OT: Need some parenting advice
This is about BD10.
She got an ipad mini for Christmas, was over the moon excited, has used it a ton. Some time after she got it, DH and I had separate conversations with BD10 (I wasn't aware DH had talked to her about this) in which I stated it was not to be taken to school and DH said it was fine to take it to school.
Last night I pick BD10 up from daycare, she's upset, hands me an apology note that explains that she took the ipad to school (in its case) and a kid accidentally knocked it off her desk with their backpack and the screen broke.
I looked, the break is not that bad, doesn't affect functionality, but BD10 is heartbroken. She got a long talk about how adults make rules for a reason and perhaps I knew there was a chance of this happening when I told her not to take it to school. BD10 said she was stupid and I said no, she just used bad judgment.
So BD10 wants to get the screen fixed and has pledged all her money, now and in the future (she earns a small allowance for chores) to get this done. I told her I would discuss with DH.
He comes home last night, I explain what happened. BD10 is being punished in that 1. her ipad is now broken and 2. the ipad is currently in my possession, time to be returned to BD10 is to be determined and 3. her conscience is really bothering her.
I told DH that if we get it fixed I feel we should pay half because he and I gave her conflicting messages. I don't know who said what first and when, DH gets BD10 off in the morning so he may have told her that day that she could take it, she would have taken him at his word. Yes, I said don't take it but that was back in December, she's going to take the answer from the parent who is saying she wants to hear. DH and I should have been on the same page about that (we are now).
DH disagrees about helping because he doesn't think it's that bad and doesn't need to be fixed and because BD10 knew she wasn't supposed to take it to school so in his opinion it was her fault. Things happen we can't control, this was one of them. I know it couldn't have happened if she hadn't taken it to school.
What do you guys think? Is what I'm suggesting reasonable? I want BD10 to learn a lesson, but I don't want to be too harsh on her for an accident.
- Elizabeth's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yeah, I've had to consciously
Yeah, I've had to consciously NOT look at this situation thinking about how DH would handle it if it was precious princess SD20 because I do NOT want BD10 turning out like her!
my BD9 dropped her Ipod Touch
my BD9 dropped her Ipod Touch a few months back...she was told NOT to take it outside...it was an accident...she dropped it on the side walk....I did order a new screen for Ebay...didn't cost that much to fix...buttttttt I told her that it waould be 2 months BEFORE I had the new scrren put on...I stuck to my word, and she hasn't taken it outside since then!
Yes, she will be without her
Yes, she will be without her ipad until I have determined she learned her lesson. Not sure yet how long that will be.
You are right, she knew she'd
You are right, she knew she'd gotten conflicting messages and she chose te one she wanted. But, I hate to hold her to a higher standard than DH and I hold ourselves to (parenting fail on this one). Giving her extra opportunities to earn money may be the right way to go, above and beyond her normal chores.
Even if Dad said Yes after
Even if Dad said Yes after Mom said no, do you think she really knew not to take it to school or do you think she was just playing on her parents not knowing what the other said?
I think she took the most
I think she took the most current answer, from her dad, that it was OK to take it to school. He gets them off to school in the morning, she probably asked him to see what he would say, and it was three months or more since I told her not to take it to school, she was probably testing the waters. Plus both BDs know DH is more permissive than I am. Not saying she was right, but I'm guessing that was her thought process.
Thanks. She does have a case,
Thanks. She does have a case, she just happened to have the case open because she was using the ipad when the other kid knocked it off her desk. Total accident, only prevention would be to not have the ipad at school like mom said! She's 10, I'm hoping to make this a learning experience so she's more proactive in the future.
"BD10 is being punished in
"BD10 is being punished in that 1. her ipad is now broken and 2. the ipad is currently in my possession, time to be returned to BD10 is to be determined and 3. her conscience is really bothering her."
Our job as parents is to teach our children and enforce consequences when they make poor decisions. This seems like a great teaching opportunity IMO and for the reasons you stated ^^^ I think that the lesson is probably already learned. You are obviously doing your job in that her conscience is bothering her and she gave you a genuine apology. If she hid this information from you or tried to keep it a secret I would have a different perspective.
I would say replace it/pay for half or whatever, make sure you discuss again the scenario and ask what she will do in the future when you and DH have conflicting "rules" I would also explain to her that this is a "get out of jail free card" and you are giving her the opportunity to learn and make better choices next time. In the future it will not be handled this way.
I feel bad for your daughter
I feel bad for your daughter and I agree if it were SD he would have tripped over his dick to get her a new one. If it were me I would just pay for it myself. She is a good kid and has learned her lesson.
I would have her pay for it
I would have her pay for it herself but cut her a break by giving her extra money on a paid job if she does above and beyond what you expected. She can learn good lessons on being a hard worker and listening the first time.
You know your daughter best.
You know your daughter best. The fact that she called herself stupid is what I noticed most about your post. If that was something that caught your attention too, maybe focus on helping her learn to be ok with making mistakes.
Mistake 1 - she 'shopped' for a parent to allow her to do something. To what extent is that disobedient? I do that now when I want a good price on something. But in this case, I agree that it was the source of issues for her. So I have no answers here, but clearly this is an area to address with her.
Mistake 2 - her ipad broke by accident. In and of itself, not disobedient, but a chance consequence. Sometimes things go wrong and it's not our fault, but we still have to deal with it. It would be good if she learned that well, yes, it got broken so A) How can you help avoid this happening in the future? and
What will you do to earn the money to get it fixed?
I would probably pay half - you're doing her no favours if you didn't let her learn that actions, even unintended ones, have consequences, but she is only 10 and seems to take this quite to heart already so half is a good middle ground.