She was four years old when I met her. Tiny, blonde with bangs, and enough energy to power an entire town. I learned a few things about her quickly - she absolutely hated to go to sleep and it took hours to get her down. She was always asking for something to eat. She had a very limited vocabulary and was obsessed with her grandmother and Aunt. She loved "Tangled" and "Spongebob" and slept every night with a Minnie Mouse doll. And then I learned a few more things - she hated to go to sleep because she worried that BM would leave and not be there when she woke up. She was always hungry because BM would pass out while watching her and her older brother. BM, grandmother, and Aunt would often plop her down in front of a television instead of interacting with her. She slept with the Minnie Mouse doll because it was the last gift she had gotten from her BM. I could tell that she needed a lot of time and patience. I worked wth her on her sleeping schedule, compromising she could watch television to go to sleep, but it had to be on a timer. I started reading books to her and helping her with reading and writing. I showed her that there would be dinner every single night and kept snacks on-hand just in case. I knew she needed consistency and stability in her life. Once she started school, she struggled slightly, but I had frequent meetings with the teachers to keep her on the right track. I helped her with homework every day, even when she protested and cried. Around the time I met her, DH said that she had slowly stopped crying for BM every night. Whenever she asked her grandmother or Aunt about BM, they told her she was "away at school" (when in reality, it was jail). She very rarely brought up BM to me. However, she would frequently ask DH when "Mommy was coming back" and "When are you and Mommy getting back together." She thought I was just a house-guest, not realizing that things were getting serious between me and DH. It didn't even really seem to sink in, even after we moved in together and got married. She still asked those questions. Over the next few years, these questions lessened and lessened. Every once in a while, she would randomly cry that she "missed her real Mom." Whenever she was in trouble and I was the one correcting her, she would turn angry and remind me that I was not "her real Mom" and that her "real Mom was coming back for her, any day." I would just take a deep breath and tell her that I was not trying to replace her real Mom, I was just the one stepping up because she was not there. She literally only said those things to me when she was in trouble - it never came up in regular conversation, so I knew it was coming from a place of hurt.

I maintained my consistency and stabilty with her. Continued to help her with homework. Took her to cheerleading practices and games, took her to choir recitals, dance classes, and whatever else she was interested in at the time. I took her to the mall with friends and to her friend's houses and birthday parties and attended her programs at schools. I just wanted her to know that I was THERE and I would always be there for her. I spoke to her SS, who seemed slightly bitter that she was so little and didn't remember "how bad things used to be" with BM. She didn't remember hardly anything, but that was her mother and she was supposed to love her. There was an incident that spoke volumes to me - SD was at the mall with a babysitter. They ran into one of her Aunts on her mother's side, who had a lady with her. The babysitter told me it was strange, because the Aunt was very nice and talkative, but the lady just stood there, head down, not saying a word. I found out later the lady was actually BM, who was living with the Aunt at the time. And the real kicker was that SD did not even recognize her own mother. She told me that "Aunt X" was there with "I think maybe one of my cousins." The second incident happened a few years after this - spoken about in a previous blog - when BM lied to her Aunt that DH had talked to her and was perfectly fine with her seeing SD at the Aunt's house. Afterwards, I sat down with SD and explained to her exactly what had happened. I asked her how she felt and she said it was "weird" to talk to BM, because all she had to talk about were all the things that she wasn't around for. She said it felt strange because BM just wanted to stroke her hair and kept repeating how pretty she was, how big she had gotten, how much she loved her, do you know how much I love her? I asked SD if she realized why BM hadn't been around - she admitted yes, she had looked her up on-line and found her mile-long list of arrests. She acknowledged that BM was really in and out of jail when she was told she was "away at school." She felt lied to, but said she had been too young to really understand. I spent the next few hours going over everything with her - I told her about the court dates, explained to her what the legal documentation meant, and said that DH had made a compromise with BM. She needed to find a job, a car, and a place to live and maintain all these things for at least a year (while staying sober). SD seemed confident. Then - less than a year later - BM was back in jail and soon transferred to prison. SD was crushed. She felt betrayed. She cried "Why doesn't she love me?" After that, she rarely spoke of BM. Her "Your not my real mom" come-backs became few and far between.

Fast-forward to now. SD is a typical hormonal 14 year old - boy crazy, only wants to hang out with her friends, loves whatever band is popular, thinks DH and I are the lamest people in the world, always at the mall. She has decent grades, much better than before, and has had few behavioral issues. She still has some issues with food, but this has gotten much better. She still takes forever to fall asleep. Her Minnie Mouse doll is in the attic. Her world was recently rocked when her Aunt informed her that BM was taking DH back to court for custody and that she was going to live with BM. SD broke down into tears, confessing to me that she didn't want that, she didn't want to be taken away from her father. She admitted to me that she is always worried BM is going to "show up" one day and "take her away." I reassured her we have legal documentation that won't ever happen and if it does, she could potentially be charged with kidnapping. SD admitted that she worries when she is out in public she will run into BM - I said that she was under no obligation to speak to her or acknowledge her, and to simply walk away or call me and I would immediately come get her. She had been told BM had an attorney and was going to file for supervised visitation. I told SD that it would go to court first and she would be able to tell the judge what SHE wanted to do. It was her choice. She wouldn't be forced to see her or spend time with her or live with her if she didn't want to. I watched that 14 year old girl slowly morph back into that tiny 4-year-old again.