When will we start feeling like a family?
I haven't posted in along time, but I was curious as to if any of you feel this way. I've been with BF for two years, we are finally considering marriage and between the two of us we are raising five children(he has two and I have three)both of us share custody of our children with x's.
For two years we've battled with a jealous ex-wife who insists on interfering in our life in anyway she can. The only thing I've wanted, more then anything, is for us to be a family and to "feel" like a family.
I'm so weary of the fighting that goes on between BF and BM. I'm weary of the decisions that I'm so often left out of. Weary of the battle in general. I knew that this was not to be easy, but how are we ever to feel like and function as a unit with such a huge gap between BF and I.
I've tried to talk with BF about these feelings. Explained to him countless times that I feel left out of this part of his life. That it seems to me as if he is more focused on his x's life and what she does or does not do for the kids then he is about the life we are suppose to be trying to build together.
I'm of the opinion that we can not change or "fix" what is wrong in BM's life. ONly she can do that and she has proven over the course of five years that she has no intention of changing. I'm also of the opinion that it's better to pick your battles b/c sometimes the fight is worse on the kids then the actual issue that brought about the fight.
I guess the jest of it is this. Will we ever feel like a family? Is there something I'm missing here? I realize as a SM I have my place in my Skids life, and it has never been my intent to try and replace their BM--I've felt more like a bonus to them--just someone else to love and nurture them. HOwever shouldn't BF be more focused on our life and how we are raising these kid together.
It just seems that BF feels and has actually said to me that he can't help it that he is raising his children with BM. I just want to know where am I in all of this? I've cared for his kids right along side of my own for the past two years. I'm divorced and I realized a long time ago that when our divorce became finally I was no longer "raising" my kids with my ex. Yes we communicate and try to work together, but each home has it's own set of rules, it's own set of values and morals, and hence my x and I are no longer raising kids "together."
I just think that Bf is missing the bigger picture--in that he can't change his x into a better mother/person, but he and I together can in some ways balance out the parts where she lacks, except I often get the feeling that I'm just the "other women" and he doesn't really want me parenting along side him.
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Comments
Culture clash
It sounds to me as if you and your BF have different expectations of what raising a blended family means. This inconsistancy can only be remedied if you can sit down and decide together what your house rules (including how they are affected by the other ex's who are in the picture due to co-parenting.) If you can't agree then I'm not sure what other advice to offer. Because it's hard enough when you are completely on the same page due to all the outside influences on your home (meaning every other parent to every SK in the picture in every home your kids freguent.) It's mind boggling.
Peace, love, and red wine
I am totally with you....
If the two of you are serious enough to be talking about marriage, then yes, your home and your rules should take precedence. zenmom is totally right that it seems the two of you have differing perspectives on the roles of parents after divorce, and stepparents that come in. How long has your BF been divorced? Are the ties with BM completely broken? This is important to be sure of before you get married as well. But I think it is time for a discussion about "life after divorce" and what you expect your blended family to be like should the two of you marry. Compare this with his expectations, and if his include BM in too much of your lives, you may have a problem.
Best of luck!
I could have written your post.
I have been with my husband for about 4 1/2 years now, married for just over two. I have experienced/am experiencing exactly what you are talking about.
I have two bio kids and 2 steps. I have yet to feel like a family. I feel as if we are two seperate families that just happen to share the same house. It is a very empty sort of feeling. Even though we sold both of our homes and bought one together, it does not really feel like home to me. I hope that maybe someday I will feel family like.
As far as bm goes, Dh doesn't argue with her. He just bends over backwards. *sigh* In the beginning, I really felt that he was babysitting her and always trying to make sure she was okay.
I have also tried talking to Dh but it really hasn't done any good. He just feels like I am picking on him or his kids. I also feel that he thiks he owes something to the ex. After all, she is the mother of his children :sick:
This step family thing is the hardest thing that I have ever done. If anything I feel a huge loss of conection with him I am often exasperated and just weary from it all. It all makes me very sad. I often feel like I am the other woman too. It sucks.
I hear what you're saying
I feel like I'm not sure who my DH is married to - me or BM. I think some guilt is to be expected on all sides but it can get blown out of proportion. Guilt can make people do disturbing things. You need to sit down together and hammer this out before marriage. Let him know how it makes you feel - he doesn't owe her anything anymore and is not his responsibility either just the kids are- otherwise they would still be married. She is responsible for what happens in her house - DH is responsible for what happens in yours. He needs to remember the reason they got divorced to start with. Go see a counselor before you get married and not after. I wish we would have done it that way around. Your DH needs to realize that the kids are temporary. Once they're raised they're on their own. Then you're left with each other after that and the way you treat each other will determine how you feel about each other once the kids are out.