I have been reading comments and blogs on this site for a couple of years now. I'm not in the position a lot of people seem to be in; disrespectful, mean stepkids. I am fortunate in that regard. My stepson is a polite, fairly well-behaved 17 year. He doesn't sass me, doesn't run around with friends getting into trouble, and generally does okay in school.

However, I am still extremely frustrated with him. Like I said, he is 17; he will be 18 in November. He will be entering his senior year of high school in a couple of weeks. Votech school, actually. He does extremely well in his chosen field, which is graphic arts. His teacher has nothing but high praise for how well he can set up and tear down the printing presses and set up projects, etc. So why am I frustrated? I guess that easiest thing to say is because he is completely helpless. Or he acts completely helpless. I am still not entirely sure which it is.

For example; he just got back from his annual summer visit to his mother. Now, he has to fly across the country to get there. At 17 you'd think a person would be able to fly on their own, and if they needed help making a connecting flight they would ask for it. Not this kid. We still pay the fee to have him fly as an unaccompanied minor, so someone makes sure he gets on the flight, makes sure he eats, makes sure he is looked after. And that is because he doesn't even know how to tell you to get from his house to his school. Couldn't tell you which roads to take, or even where to turn. I know; I've asked him to do it for me, and I get a shoulder shrug and an "Ummm...I don't know."

He won't eat unless someone makes the food for him or tell him to get something to eat. Most teenagers will stand in front of a fridge with the door just hanging open, looking for something. In the time that I have been married to my husband (five years)SS has not once voluntarily opened that fridge door. As I type this he has not eaten lunch yet because I haven't told him to get something to eat.

He is not motivated by rewards, or fear of punishment. We can take away his privileges and it doesn't bother him.

Now, he has some serious problems he learned from his mother. She divorced my husband when SS was two, ran off to her parents, and my DH didn't get custody of SS until SS was 10. In that period of time, BM passed SS off as autistic, taught him what to do to get attention, to be left alone and to get what he wanted. Because of the state she is in, in her care, he never went to a doctor, never saw a dentist, and the school's "special education program" was to basically let him sit in a corner and color because he was a quiet, non-disruptive kid. BM got awards from the school district for being the parent of such a well adjusted and high functioning autistic child. He is not autistic; several mental health professionals have examined and testified in court to that. He still uses some of the behaviors when he doesn't want to do something, particularly when he has a new teacher who doesn't know his background, and he can pull it with them.

DH finally got custody, but because of the state and the way the custody agreement worked out, any major medical treatment had to be agreed upon by both him and BM. So that means BM would never sign on off on therapy. We are still tied up with lawyers etc, over this.

So, now he is almost 18, acts like he is 10 in some ways, lies, doesn't take care of himself, and nothing we do seems to motivate him. I don't know how to motivate a person that doesn't seem to care about anything. He has no desire to learn to drive, doesn't want to get a job for some extra fun cash, has no interest in girls (or boys), and prefers to sit doing nothing.