Hi I'm new....just need to vent...
I am a single mother in a relationship with a man with 2 kids (SD17 & SS13). I have 2 kids but only my BD10 lives with us. My son is 19 and lives with his father quite far away. Anyway, my SD17 is driving me mad! She is so selfish. She has been living with us since Jan 2009 with the understanding that she will finish school (18 mo still to go.) But she is heavily involved with a guy who lives 100 km's away from us and all she wants to do is get there to him at any opportunity she gets (or doesn't get). She has been with him for the weekend, I must just add that her mother has alloed her to be sexually active (in her own home) since she was 15, but now wants to stay longer until Fri this week. The father, my FH, said yes, knowing that she is missing school (home school, locally) and that we have an agreement with her that she babysits the other kids every Thurs night for next 4 weeks while we (me & FH) attend a Marriage Course. This is the 3rd time she has given our agreement no consideration, all because she wants to be with the BF. I have told FH that if she doesn't make it back from the BF by Thurs lunchtime that I will consider cancelling our course. I was just so mad that he allows her to stomp all over us and our plans. NOw we need to find a babysitter which is not easy in our area and the kids are very insecure to stay at home by themselves. I need help with this, as I am just so mad now! FH just pulls the "I (he)am a stuff up" whenever i challenge him to put his foot down with the SD17 or he says he will send her back to her mother. Originally I insisted that she make a choice between getting her matric (grade 12) and the boyfriend. I know it's hard, but she makes it harder on helrself by not sticking to the agreements we make with her. Any one with advice would be welcome...
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Birth control
That would be my #1 concern for your SD17 right now, hopefully she is taking some. Your SD17 sounds like mine and I know it is extremely frustrating because ours doesn't live with us so we have no input or control over any of the crazy stuff she does.
I am sure I am old fashioned but I would try to NOT allow her to spend the night with her boyfriend. They are not mature enough at that age to handle the heartbreak of an adult relationship and that is why she is acting out.
I would NOT cancel your marriage class!!! You and DH must stand together or this will tear you apart. Get him on board with you, then you can address the SD situation from a stronger position. Good luck and let us know-!!
p.s. love your screen name!! LOL
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
Thanks Most Evil!
Love your screen name too! Yes I am also very old fashioned and don't like the idea of her sleeping over there either, but she has been doing it since before I was on the scene and both BM & DH don't seem to have a problem with their dear daughter playing 'adult games' However, I do because she is always moping around after this guy who is also 17. Neither of them have finished school and he is not even trying and his mother seems ok with that. DH & I are desperate to get on with our lives and are very aware that when all the kids leave, we will be left alone and boy what plans we have! But in the interim this young lady continues to get between us. I suggest a punishment, like when she stole a spare sim card from DH's company (but while in our home) and ran up a cellphone bill of R900.00 - I suggested we take her cell phone away for a month (but settled it down to 2 weeks) what did DH do...he allowed her to phone her bf every night! Our parenting values and morals are very different and this really annoys me. He then takes the easy way ou "I'll pack her bags and send her back to her mother" - what a wimpish thing to do!! I'm close to giving up. I haven't got into my SS yet who is ADD and isn't even present in this world as regards what is going on around him...he is on some planet far away where there's not time, no structure...Ask him what month it is and he will say Isn't is November...or some month which is still months away!! He can't read or write properly and does not cope in a normal school. He speaks to adults with such disrespect as if they are his equals. Ooooo I am so steamed!!! Must go and scream in a cupboard! Chat soon. Thaks for the great advice & great blog!
Excool Mom
Why is she going to visit her boyfriend instead of him coming to see her? Sounds like this guy doesn't have much respect for her if he's supporting her shirking her duties at home. She's gonna see him and be sexually active anyway; you are not responsible for her morals.
I agree with Most Evil that you and DH need to stand together on this one. I suggest you go to you Marriage class, hire a babysitter, and charge the expense to your SD. In future, if she can't keep her babysitting responsibility, it's on her to find and hire a replacement.
Unfortunately, it's up to your husband to enforce these logical consequences. Good luck with this one. You've got a chance to set some healthy boundaries now before the situation gets worse.
HI
HI, Excoolmom, It sounds like you had a couple of agreements, 1. that she would finish school and she would babysit so that you could take your course. Is she doing any of these things and is she on birth control, (BC)? I would make "daddy knows best" take her to get it. Not the pill because she would not be mature enough to take it every day so get her an implant or something. This is not an option and if you allow her to stay there she will be on BC.
Get a baby sitter for the kds so that you can take the course and issue and ulitmatium after that just change the locks on the door.
The bottom line is you FH ,
The bottom line is you FH , her father needs to be a PARENT. And get his head out of his butt. FH and you needs to set the rules and stick by them. IF FH can not do this, you need to think twice if you really want to take on this MESS and marry this man. If you allow this situation to continue the way it is.. you will have a very miserable life for a long time...... THINK TWICE my friend!!! Good luck to you.
I agree with Selkie about the guy
Why the heck isn't he coming to see her?? I can understand the whole teenaged,"But I'm in LOVE!!!" I went through the phase as well where nothing mattered except my boyfriend. BUT, there has to be a limit and there has to be rules as long as she plans on residing in your home. There has to be some sort of punishment for not doing what is expected. Honestly, most teenagers are selfish little jerks, they just can't help themselves. BUT that's why it's important for you and FH to establish a system that works for you NOW. I'm not really the best one to tell you which system will work for you, it's trial and error. BUT, she sounds like a pretty normal teenager with the boyfriend thing and selfishness and lack of accountability. As far as the babysitting thing, I can understand it would be difficult to hire a babysitter but should it REALLY be your SDs problem that you can't find a sitter for your kids?? Even if she did promise to do it, ultimately it's not really her responsibility to take care of your children UNLESS the babysitting deal is part of another agreement and she's breaking the agreement. But if that's the case then you need to stop upholding your part of the agreement too.
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
You are all great
To answer your questions. yes she is on birth control, whether she takes it or not, i am not sure. I doubt it cos we've had a few pregnancy scares. Yes DH takes her to get the pills every 3 months...I will have nothing to do with it cos I don't agree with her being sexually active. As for why the bf doesn't come to visit her...well we tried that in January but she broke the agreement which was that he was not allowed in her room and that they were not allowed to make out in front of the two younger ones (kiss etc). So we banned him cos they couldn't keep away from each other and we found them asleep together in her bed one morning. She is only allowed to see him 1 weekend a month because of the expense and mainly because of her schoolwork. I fear for how this is all going down with the younger kids.