Seems a good place to start
This is my first blog since I moved to Fairyland. As I had a significant birthday yesterday it seems a good place to start over.
Although I disengaged from my skids way back in March I have come to realise that although there have been gains (not seeing them being the main one!) the disadvantages have been serious too- mainly my relationship with DH will never be what it was.
This may sound like a reason not to disengage but what I have come to realise is that my previous 'great' relationship with him was really just me having blinkers on. He hasn't changed, it is the real 'him' emerging, and although I do still love him very much, I can see his flaws just as my disengagement has brought out the flaws for him in his own kids.
Seeing people as they really are, stripped bare of social convention and family expectations can be enlightening but also challenging. We are all flawed, no one has the right to judge others until they really have walked even a few steps in their shoes.
One of the things I love about this site is sometimes the painful honesty with which posters reveal the difficulties and frustrations of their lives. It is remarkable how often the similarities in our situations ring true and make us feel at last that it isn't just us! But also, how our situations differ and how we can help each other to see through our unique situations with new eyes.
I received so much love and goodwill from people over the weekend- from friends, family and yes, my SDs too. I felt truly blessed and very lucky.
I don't know about DH- he went into a shell, maybe he didn't like my hogging the limelight. I think he is very tired and depressed, but I can't seem to break through that barrier he has put up- and should I even try?
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Comments
Because the birth parent or
Because the birth parent or parents make the step parent feel it there fault that things are not working with the SK. That if the SP does more, or looks the other way more, even through the SP is putting time and money into the relationship. Then thing will work out.!!!!
In fact thing we're not working in the first place.".!!! or else they would still be married. They would think of there family first and not cheat, make life livable in thefirst marriage.
Or it your fault that they did not make there marriage work And it's your fault that your marriage is not working ???
I'm not quite sure what you
I'm not quite sure what you are saying here? Are you saying that Dh's previous marriages were to blame? He certainly has relationship problems as he was married several times before he met me, but at the time I knew I wasn't perfect either, and thought we had both learned enough from previous experiences to put each other first. I still put him first, not his children, but I'm some way down the pecking order now.
I'm certainly not to blame for the breakdown of his previous marriages!! Is it my fault our relationship isn't working? I think there are always (or should be) two adults in any relationship- both sides at fault to some extent- but when one shuts themselves off from communicating with the other it puts pressure on the other to do all the work to keep that relationship going. That's very hard.
I think Harry was saying that
I think Harry was saying that you aren't the scapegoat since disengaging and DH has to face his role in the issues.
Ah! Thanks. I think DH has a
Ah! Thanks. I think DH has a lot to answer for that I have been ignoring all this time. Many people think he feels guilty and that's why he indulges his children- there is always baggage...it is a bit like those elephants, gets everywhere!
Oh Happy belated birthday
Oh Happy belated birthday Lady!!!!!!!
be careful not to disengage form DH
Acrat I'm so pleased to hear
Acrat I'm so pleased to hear from you!! I thought you may be lying low after the cull- things are certainly less fun around here these days.
I am trying so hard to be so kind and patient with DH but he is really pushing it with me now- snapping at nothing and getting 'tetchy' over small things. He is really pushing it with me and I'm worried I'm just going to lose it with him someday soon!! How can I show him my frustration without being in danger of starting a big show down? My SS didn't turn up for my birthday meal (what a relief) but MSD did and she was lovely- I even took a photo of them both. However, he definitely took a back-seat over the weekend and I felt that I was almost single again!
I have sent out signals that I am ok with his kids (on my own terms) if they are ok with me- but I'm starting to think he can't stand me!
hehehe yes I was flying under
hehehe yes I was flying under the radar for a while......
if you suddenly see a certain poster name posting then it's time to take your fingers off the key bord, cause soon after that people get the boot
Mmm- I'm trying to be
Mmm- I'm trying to be nice...I'll keep my eye on the ball thanks for the tip!
What a great post and happy
What a great post and happy belated birthday!
I discovered the same thing...my disengagement from the adult SS brought me into a new place in my life and with it, I saw DH in a new way too. I was relieved, as it felt like the truth, finally, had come out, but you are so right: all the flaws were there, big as day...and then all MY flaws, my allowance, my lack of responsibility when it came to standing up for myself and wanting DH to take that lead when it came to his son.
All in all, a good outcome for me and I hope for you too
I want it to be a good
I want it to be a good outcome, of course I do. I certainly am a flawed person, but I accept and apologise for my flaws. DH has never said sorry to me, ever. Until he does how can I forgive him? I'm starting to think he doesn't really like me very much! I hope we can still turn this around, but with every week that passes we seem to have more ground to make up. I am seeing a situation where I may re-friend my skids and then they support me against their daddee who seems to be turning into a grumpy old man!
That is so sad, fairyo, and
That is so sad, fairyo, and what an awful position in which to be, trying to figure out where DH is at from a mindset standpoint and his thinking on your relationship. Please know that I,too, was there at one time and the remembrance of that hurt is not easily forgotten.
It takes a lot of strength to stay on a path that maintains the things in life that are good for us and our needs, but in order to be happy, I don't see how we can do otherwise. Things like knowing where we all stand in the big picture and how your DH really feels helps keep us on that path but it can also be scary to ask questions for which the answers may hurt us...are you able to communicate your questions to DH? I personally found the *not knowing* the hardest part of all. I felt like I could deal with any truth but I lost ground when faced with shifting sentiments and lies....
I am so sorry, and I hope for
I am so sorry, and I hope for the best for you. I know you are giving it your all.
Funny thing for me is that first disengagement from SS resulted in a 100% improvement with my relationship with DH. The only thing that DH and I fought over was SS. Once I removed SS from the equation our relationship became just so much better. Nothing to argue over.
When SS settled down with Baby Mamma and had a child I opened the door a crack to let him back in. Huge mistake (they ransacked our home while we were on vacation). I never yelled or got mad at DH - I just told him to keep them AWAY from me. Of course he knew how FURIOUS I was. The man has seen me get mad with others and he knows how I would have ripped those two to shreds.
I've said this before - in some ways this has been a gift to me. I now NEVER have to deal with anything to do with SS. No more gifts from DisneyWorld, no more having them over, no more them stopping by, no more birthday or Christmas stuff - they just do not exist to me.
It is possible to have a great relationship with a spouse while not having one with adult skids. I do muzzle myself and do not make disparaging remarks about them. If DH mentions something about them I just give a nod and say nothing.
I do not put any boundaries on DH about seeing them - except that they are not allowed in our home ever even if I am not there. But he is considerate enough of me to not cancel our plans or anything like that to accommodate them.
Good luck.
Thanks Second- there is so
Thanks Second- there is so much cake, and wine, and beer- even though I insisted they bring nothing- they did and didn't take it home with them.
I think I'll probably do what I have always tried to do and take it one day at a time. I think his kids can no longer think the dis-engagement has been all my doing.
My hope is that when OSD returns from holiday she doesn't want to 'treat' me. I've been before and I'd rather have needles poked in my eyes than have one of her 'treats' again!
DH had a day off today- he's been in his man cave- I offered to help and made him drinks. He seems a bit more relaxed, but tomorrow he'll be back at work...
Part of my present from my family is a pamper/spa weekend away. I asked if he wanted to come and he said no. I can take care of myself. Life is too short... and I have a lot of living to do!
Yes, my old blogs are gone
Yes, my old blogs are gone because I was in a less safe country than Fairyland! I am much more anonymous here.
DH and I have been together about 8 years. When we met I thought he was a very uncomplicated man. He cared about me. He cared about his kids. He cared about his job. What was not to like? However, I did begin to feel ever so gently controlled by his kindness. He loved to foot the bill when eating out- so much so that he would get annoyed when he couldn't pay. I have always been independent but for once decided that if it pleased him to pay, I would let him. Life became very easy. Except... he seemed to have no backbone when it came to his kids. I tried hard to get on with his daughter and her kids, but there was always something annoying and not quite right about the way they were together.
Over time I enjoyed being in their company less and less and began to feel a bit 'stifled' by DH's attitude and his inability to see any fault with them. Then we took his grandskids away for a short holiday and I hated every minute of it. Despite trying not to cause a fuss when we got back DH went into a massive sulk and in the end told me that I had been 'evil' on the holiday and that I should have told him if I didn't want to go- so it was all my fault.
Since then things got worse when SS became very ill after a drugs overdose. I hardly saw DH- his whole life suddenly revolved around his kids and I began to lose my sense of self worth, became lonely and isolated. I finally had to confront him again but he didn't want to know. I found this site and disengaged from the skids, only to realise that he was the problem, not them.
Since then our relationship has deteriorated so badly we no longer share a bed. That was his decision- at first it was odd but I have now got used to it. We seem to be in a state of attrition- not loving nor hating each other.
So, your comment about your DH's silences is interesting. I certainly get the silent treatment, but now I counter it with silence. I have had some contact with the skids recently, but only on my terms. I won't go back to being at his side every visit to see them- he does it on his own now most of the time.
More recently he's getting bad-tempered (for him!) and snapping about little things. It won't work with me. I'm fighting it with kindness, but it's hard. And silly.