No manners
Hi everyone. It's almost refreshing to see I'm not on my own with my difficult step children.
So I'm a mum of one son and have two skids. I've been with my husband for 8 years and we are so happy together. My son lives with us and his kids (ss14 and ss18) stay with us at weekends and in school holidays. I've put up with this for years even though I struggle. His kids are so awkward, not just around me, around everyone. You can feel the anxiety coming off then, especially the 18 year old, he is also autistic.
They basically ignore me. When I make dinner they eat and get up from the table abs go. They never say thank you, it causes friction between myself and my husband as I take my frustration out on him. He won't discipline them cos they get upset and cry. They honestly have no manners.
I hate it when they're here. My home doesn't feel my own, they close their bedroom door when I'm coming up the stairs, they make me feel on edge.
My husband has spoken to them countless times over the years about their lack of manners but still it continues. Is autism a good enough reason for bad manners?
Thank you for letting me vent!! Sometimes I wonder why I do it!
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Comments
Why are you asking a question
You know the real answer too. Your DH is failing you and he is failing his kids. Part of being a parent is to make there kids into a real person. Real people have manners. Saying hello, good by. Thank you. Ect. This is not happening. He is failing everyone.
Since this is not happing, and the future tells you, these kids will never get a job. Boss's will not take this type of disrespect. You must disengage from these kids.
Let DH take care of his kids. As when the SK are over, DH will do all the shopping, cooking, and care of them. The kids goes with him, where every he goes, You don't babysit his kids, clean up after them. Or do anything for them .
If he works, or goes out. His kids go with him, or he finds other child care. Not you
At the ages your skids are, I
At the ages your skids are, I think it's more on them and a bit less on your DH that they have no manners. I'm in a similar situation. What I've noticed more is that my OH, as time goes on, gets on the skids' case more and more about manners. But their personalities are such that they just can't or won't change. They are just as socially awkward (actually, plain ill-mannered and disrespectful of people and property) as they were 5 years ago. They ain't gonna change. That's what they are as people. Nothing to do with autism or being kids. I detach from them completely and we live in the same home. My SO isn't perfect but he's a lot less tolerant of them than he used to be.
No, I don't think autism is
No, I don't think autism is an excuse for poor behaviour or bad manners & I can relate to this, my SS16 is also autistic. He's high functioning, I don't know if that makes a difference. I worked with young children with special needs (breifly & long ago - I'm not claiming to be an expert) but we taught them consequences & manners. They got it, at 6, my SS is 16. He's been babied & coddled because of it, BM & her extended family are terrible for this, SO tries (at least) but has also done him a disservice by underestimating his abilities. I'm really just relating, I don't have any solutions for you, I'll be keeping an eye on other responses to your post though. My thoughts are with you.
Welcome to the site!
"He won't discipline them cos they get upset and cry. " Oh - they have worked out really well how to manipulate their father, huh? A 14 yr old and an 18 yr old crying because they have been told off for being rude? That's pathetic, autism notwithstanding. I hope you get some support being on StepTalk. I was in much the same position as you, aside from the autism - I dreaded my SDs coming every other weekend, they were sullen and rude to me usually. Thankfully they stopped coming in their mid/late teens.
Hi Kes, thanks for your
Hi Kes, thanks for your comments. It's actually nice to know that this is a problem for a lot of step parents. I was beginning to think it's me!
im hoping that the skids visiting will tail off now they're older. They live with their BM 60 miles away so it's not like they can just pop in. Covid was my best friend for a while as they didn't come to us due to the lockdowns. Howrvet I'm conflicted as my DH gets very down when he doesn't see them, even though when they're here they barely talk to him and don't want to do anything with him.
This site is great as I have an outlet and can get neutral opinions. My DH is a wonderful man but has dad guilt as he doesn't see his kids often. Therefore he lets a lot of things slide rather than upset them by telling them off.
they've never liked me, or the idea of me. In their eyes I'm the reason they're parents will never get back together. This is so far from the truth, they split up 4 years before I even met their father!
"Nobody said it was easy but no one ever said it would be this hard"
Stay strong fellow step parents!
Whenever my husband addresses
The bad disrespect and constant intentional ignoring of me and our kids at home, ss now 23 fakes a "i'm stressed syndrome" thats his excuse for everything followed by "I didn't do it on purpose but i know i do it all the time" which means it is intentional??
I remember the lyrics of a song called "can't raise a man" by k michelle. Basically says you can't raise a man when he's already grown. Same applies to females. Once they reach a certain age and allowed to behave that way, parent can complain all they want, that grown arse kid(ult) will still continue with that bad behaviour
so the choice you have is tolerate it or create boundaries. In my case i told my husband if we were gonna remain married and raise our then 2.5 & 3.5 yr old, it wasn't gonna be in a home i was expected to care for as a stay at hole housewife with then ss21 living in it as a bum!!
my husband bought a home for me and our kids overseas to live in and put it in my name just to protect me against skids and their mums influence over them in pressuring my husband to transfer assets in secret to skids for free because he still owes bio mum for divorcing her despite her being to her affair guy right after divorce was finalised
i choose to not ever have skids enter my home, they burnt all bridges and i will not subject me or my kids to their emotional/mental abuse with their excuse they are cod!!
Is autism an good excuse for
Is autism an good excuse for bad manner? Or is autism a reason not to parent? I think the answer should be no to both.
I freaking hate the "I'm sorry I didn't mean to do it" (then proceed to do it 1000x more). That sorry means nothing. And it pissed me off when the culprit constantly does this and still confused why no one likes to be around them.