Frustrated
I havnt posted in a long time but I have been lurking and trying to use and incoporate some of the things I have read on here.
It's so funny for me to read about "Disney dad's" because I couldn't imagine being that way with my 3 kids. My 15boy just paid his own way on a eourpe trip for school ($4000, he worked with me all last summer) and has a 4.0gpa. He also started working 3 days a week at a hardware store. My 14girl has a 3.8gpa and has almost earned enough for her schools east coast trip. I do not tolerate if they are rude or mistreat my wife there stepmom in anyway. To quote Negan "I shut that shit down" right when it happens. My 6 year old is doing great in school and loves riding my motorcycle with me. He goes to his grand parents 3 weekends a month in the sticks and loves to go hunting and working in his grandpa's shop. My step son's on the other hand are a whole different story. Total opposites.
Things got real bad for me in December of 2017 when my 33 year old sister died. I carried her out of her house and put her on the medical examiners van. I pretty much lost all respect for my wife after that day. It took her 5 hours to get home. She caused a huge scene at my mom's while we were doing the picture boards and didn't help in any way that weekend. Not to mention she made us late for the family viewing the day of the funeral.
Since then I have partly disengaged from her boys and have been contemplating divorce. She has told me to get out 3 times when I point out certain issues I have with either her parenting or finances. I did leave before and she promised it would be different if I came back. It has gotten worse not better. I feel so stuck. I have no one to talk thst can give me an unbiased opinion on my thoughts on this. I was seeing a therapist but didn't have time to make the appointments.
Is it possible you can fall out of love and harbor anger at your spouse due to there parenting and the way they are. I'll be on here later this afternoon to check my inbox and explain the delima I'm in with my stepson's. Thank you for reading.
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Comments
I would give her what she
I would give her what she ants and leave.
Your kids are doing great. It sounds like you have a good and supportive family. It sounds like you can keep your finances under control. So why stay?
Your step kids being raised differently from your own is a moot point right now. What isn't moot is your wife saying get out. Whether she actually wants it or is using it as a threat doesn't matter. She has said the words, and she can't take them back. Well, she can, but ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with:
Leave. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad for as long as living with disrespect and fear that one day they may actually want you gone.
It's absolutely possible to
It's absolutely possible to fall out of love with someone especially when you learn more about them and lose respect for them. I often see posts on here where one parent or another lets their kids get away with all sorts of murder and hi-jinks. Then they expect their spouse to just ignore the blowback that causes in the household. I often wonder how people can say.. "I still love him even though I don't respect him". I would have a hard time staying with someone I didn't respect.
If your wife has made it clear that your opinions and needs aren't important to her..then I don't see why you would be required to give her that same courtesy.
For her to behave so poorly while you are greiving your sister's death is pretty harsh. Unless she has some underlying issue that would give you some amount of understanding, I would also find that hard to forgive and move on.
I'm sure you understand that life is not always sweetness and light but we should be able to lean on our partners and support each other and not cause additional problems in an already messed up world.
I'm wondering what she
I'm wondering what she caused a scene about during your families grieving process for your sister? You don't have to elaborate.. I'm just saying I can't imagine someone doing that to someone they love. There have been many times that I have been annoyed with my MIL, but have NEVER caused a scene... much less a scene during a difficult time for the family. I know you say you think you have fallen out of love with her, but to me her actions speak that SHE has fallen out of love with YOU.
I could be wrong, but seems she wants you around for other reasons, be it financial, keeping up with the Joneses or something of that nature... NOT because she loves and cherishes you.
I am so sorry for the loss of
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister!
Your wife... she promised it would be different if I came back.
Well, she kept her promise. Worse is different. People often say you learn who your friends are when you go through difficult times. Your wife certainly showed who she was - completely insensitive and uncaring about you and your family grieving the loss of a loved one. Her bahavior was appalling, to say the least.
IMHO, when someone consistently tells someone to leave, it is what they truly want. Do yourself and your children a favor and leave this toxic woman/environment.
Thank you guys for the
Thank you guys for the responses and input. What happened was she told her other two husband's we eoulw be back in a couple of hours the day we were doing the picture boards. My sister's ex boyfriend of 4 years(they were still friends) , her best friend since she was 4 ,my step sister and a couple of my cousins were there. I hadn't seen her ex(kept in contact on FB) in years. So after everyone got there my mom and I started going through my mother's hope chest. OMG she kept everything. So right at about the two hour mark my wife came in and said " so are we going soon" . I calmly said "no I'm going to be awhile". She got very upset because her boys were at home and she told them a couple hours. Then proceededs to argue with me. That's the condensed version. My sister and I were very close. She held my head and wiped my tears when I finally got sober. Let me sleep on her couch just so I wasn't alone. Always made me believe i would get my life back and I have. Heck a month and a half ago I fell 15 feet with a beam landing on me and got a nice ride in an ambulance. The first things she started doing was literally bitching at me when she got into the trauma room. " Are you done yet, have you had enough"" . Had my co worker and the two nurses looking at her like she was crazy. Not any "are you ok, how are you feeling". And yet I refused all pain killers. I can thank my sister for the mental strength for that.
My oldest step son is on the high end of the spectrum. I understand that part but it is the total lack of consistency in parenting that is why he just went to juvanial detention for three weeks and then has been in a residential place for the last 3 weeks. He snapped over her taking his cell phone and computer because I cought him up at 4 am playing video games. He attacked his mom in front of my 6 year old and his brother. Then grabbed my knife off my desk and was swinging it then locked himself in the bathroom. Cops came, tazered him twice then took him away. His younger brother who is 14 has learned from a very early age to manipulate his mom with guilt and acts like a straight up 5 year old most times. I'm not allowed to handle any kind of parenting of her boys because I'm to "hard" on them. I have the same rules and expectarexpe for her boys as I do my kids.
She still thinks I'm ok with my 14 almost 15 year old daughter sharing a room with her two brothers. Her boys have the other room now because my kids couldn't stand her son not picking up after himself and not showering. I keep looking for a two bedroom apartment for the time being to get me through. Is let my boys have one room and my daughter have the other. I can sleep just about anywhere. That is one of the good things I learned in the infantry LOL. It's hard to save the money when we're paying a $450 a month cell bill because she got her boys new I phones on our plan amongst other bills. I keep telling myself that this to will pass but I'm not so sure anymore. Well I'm off to pick my 6 year old up from school on the motor cycle. Like I said thank you guys.
Yes you can.
Yes you can.
If you think it's worth it try to get her to go to marriage counseling with you. It might not work but then you know you've done all you can.
When I was married I swore I would never give up. I still love my ex though I have only seen him once since our divorce almost 3 years ago. I just couldn't do it.
Shortly before our end I found out he just wasn't the man I needed. I watched my parents get divorced after 25 years of marriage. While trying to deal with it he quit a job without talking to me then got upset with me for using PTO to take time off but requesting he find new work.
Along with basically not being supportive at all during that time period to the point of making things worse I also saw that he would never be the father I wanted for any children we had. Thankfully this was before we had any but that was when I knew.
What I can say is I tried. I asked he go back to therapy with me and he refused. It was at that point I decided we were done. What could I do if he was unwilling to work with me?
Take your time to decide but realize that you deserve a good life. Sometimes we may love the person but know they just are then one who we are meant to be with.
Thank you
She did bring up us going to marriage counseling but the biggest problem I have with it is that after the "family therapy" we had last week I know it won't work. Even when I tried to calmly bring up issues with my step son she manipulated the conversation with the two other counslers in the room. She told half truths and sometimes would leave out huge parts of the examples she was giving. The counslers get her " concerned mom" version. They don't get the version of all the underhanded, manipulative, and destructive behavior that goes on with her two boys without any consequences.
I had to see a state appointed psychologist when I first went after custody of my now 6 year old who was 2 at the time. The guy said I had "narcissistic personality disorder" based on I had delusions of gradgran on how important I was and that I told him I would stay sober and get my kids, life and company back. Well 5 years later I now have all three of my kids(full custody) , been sober 5 years this July and I have a meeting this morning with a very high end builder to fund my payroll for a percentage of the profits for the next couple months. Until I have enough in the bank to use a payroll company.
My wife uses what the guy from the state said to try to invalidate most of what I say, even 4 years later after that, even though she thought it was BS. . I've researched "gas lighting " a lot lately and realized most of the times when she makes comments that is what's happening. No one including her believed I'd get my shit back on track like I said I would to the degree I have. I don't think she thought I was serious when we first met that I was going to get my kids and life back. I do have a right to brag a little bit about my kids. I try to co parent as much as possible and even then she gets extremely upset that I'm "talking to there mom" but gets pissed if there mom dont help. My kids get straight A'S ,don't smoke or use drugs, treat people with respect and are well rounded kids. I'm just sick of being told thay her boys "love me and just want a dad" but I can only be one to them if I'm praising them. Right now I'm trying to disengage as much as possible and trying to figure out how to have a conversation about splitting the bills without starting a huge argument.
I'm sorry to just go off and ramble on. I've been up since 430 and have been trying to still figure out how it got to this point. Thank you for listening.