Yes definitely don't confide in one skid against the other. It's going to hit all their conflict of loyalty buttons. I completely disengaged from my OSDnow26 when she was 16 and after an appallingly rude incident I asked DH to take her to her grandparents' for her visitation in future. IN fact OSD rarely saw him at that time in any event, of her own volition, and YSDnow25 and SSnow 22 were also phasing out a bit. I like YSD very much, she likes me, and my disengagement from OSD was like water off a duck's back to her. Our relationship continues good to this day, but the key is, instinctively we NEVER mention OSD or my non-relationship with her. If she were to get mentioned by mutual relatives, I would leave DH and YSD to answer the queries about her and so forth, falling supportively silent. This is an unspoken pact between YSD and me and works fine. I recommend it. It will get a lot easier for you when neither of the skids are around so much as the compartmentalisation becomes so much more natural.

Got this goin' on right now! When I first met SO, SD was in total mini-wife mode. She and he ruled the roost and SS was their little puppet. It shocked the shit outta me, I tell ya!!

It took a while for me to get my SO to see that he was favouring one child over the other. This site helped me understand and helped me keep my sanity!

SD controlled everything and this was mainly due to SO ALLOWING her to. He just didn't see anything wrong with it, until I came along. She didn't like that he was in a relationship and the manipulation began. Due to her constant dramas and driving everyone batshit crazy, her and SS went to live full time with BM.

She came over a couple of times, but her attitude was awful, 'caused tension and many fights between SO and I. End result was that she stopped visiting and SS continues to visit.

If SO hadn't stepped up and start putting her in her place, I would've been long gone. I will not allow a child to control/manipulate my relationship.

She also tried stopping SS from visiting but never succeeded, because, thankfully, SS is mentally strong and loves his dad unconditionally. He will not be swayed by SD because he see's right through her.

You need SO to be on board - he needs to teach/guide her through your relationship by letting her know that YOU have his full support and she needs to accept this. SO will also be showing SS that you & your DH are a united front and will not tolerate disrespect from anyone.

Your DH needs to understand that by her disrespecting and undermining YOU, she is, essentially, disrespecting and undermining her father's choice in a partner. This will go a looooongg way in helping both kids accept you in their lives and respecting that their Father is the parent and his decisions are the ones they need to abide by.

HOWEVER! If SO thinks you're the one who should deal with it..then my advice would be to completely disengage frm her and trust that SS will still be understanding. Don't tell your hubby you're donig this...just treat her like a visitor in your home and do absolutely NOTHING for her when she's there.

I wouldn't give up just yet, but that is up to you. Boys are sometimes more accepting of a SP than girls. I kind of think that she likes you and wants to be closer to you but has a guard up (just guessing). I think she is jealous of your relationship you have with her brother. I would give it more try (that's up to you though) maybe see if she will go a couple of places with you,just the two of you, maybe to buy groceries or a new top or something. If you see it wont work I would stop trying to parent her, leave everything to her Dad, making her do home work, keeping curfew etc. if she is causing a problem at home, go shopping or for a walk, leave her with Dad, let him deal with her... Once Dad sees what you are dealing with and she sees that she isnt negatively affecting you anymore and was not successful at making you into the bad person or forcing you to leave, you MAY be amazed at her turn around.

You just need to ignore her and do what you want with him.

I had disengaged from my SD18 when she was 13 and did a little bit from him at that time. I never discussed it with anyone, just did it.

It does work, you have to be consistent. Do not discuss it with anyone, you only do what you are comfortable with.