DH and I have decided to do marriage counseling. He admitted to me today that he does not love me anymore, but that he tries to. I think that is reasonable because of how often we argue. How can you love someone who is always sad and upset? But the thing is, I'm not always sad and upset. Every day I care for my two young children at home. We paint, sing, dance, read books. I teach them how to interact peacefully with one another despite misunderstanding. So why is it so hard for me to be "good" when it comes to my DH? Well, I guess because I feel lied to. I feel tangled up. I feel root bound.

My DH is good with our children too. When he gets home from work, and when he has time, he does a nice job being a dad. We both agree on many things about how to raise our kids, and about the world in general. So I don't think DH is a bad person. I don't think I am either. I think I am profoundly unskilled in a couple of areas. And I am also willing to admit that we are both contributing to an abusive marriage with one another. My yelling. His silence. My discontent. His unwillingness to put up boundaries with the community.

I think we both need to learn how to forgive each other and then without any pressure, allow ourselves to either fall in love again with each other or move on to better relationships while co-parenting respectfully. 

What I hope to tell the therapist is this:
I feel swallowed up by my husband's town, social connections, career choices. 
Example 1: We got out to have a date, and our date is interrupted by DH's friend or acquaintance. Oftentimes, the person sits down at our table after being invited by DH. These interactions take up our precious date time away from the kids. DH looks at me and says, "Are you OK with them sitting down for a moment?" He says this after he has invited the person to sit down and visit. I always smile and say it's ok. If I said, No, I'd be labeled a total bit**. I am pleasant. But it really hurts my feelings that my DH has such poor boundaries. 
Example 2: I used to work in schools as an assistant or substitute teacher. I don't feel like I can do that anymore because DH's ex and SS22 have gossiped so much about me. People are unfriendly to me when they find out who I am married to. I have even had someone ask quite boldly and rudely, "Soooo how old ARE you anyway?" Or ..."So...how did you two get together?"
Example 3: I have attended DH's church with him on and off for 7 years. People are nice there. But I have never made any deeper friendships or connections beyond small talk. Meanwhile, DH has deep lasting friendships with people there who he has known for nearly 20 years. I think this is great for him. But it is not great for me. 
I feel like he squeezed me into his life, rather than chose to make a new life with me. 
Example 4:  We live in DH's home, in his town, near his family. All of our major financial decisions are to prepare for his financial goals. I am asked about these decisions, but I have never said "no." I wonder what would happen if I did say "no", please don't build another rental property. Please just finish our home like you said you would with the loan you took out.

I feel sad when my husband does not stick up for me in bad situations. I also feel like all the other times he is nice amount to a lie, because when I really need him to stick up for me, he does not.
 Example 1: Someone hunting mushrooms has trespassed on our land near our home for the last 6 years. My husband has never done anything about this trespasser. He always lets me "handle it". I have been breastfeeding my son in the living room and seen someone poking around our backyard. That makes me feel unsafe. And it happens year after year. 
Example 2: SS22 has called me a prostitute, a whore, and has gossiped about me often to people in the community. Despite me looking past his poor behavior and being kind to him, he continued to be awful to me. DH never stuck up for me beyond saying, "that's inappropriate to say, son" or "that's not true." Only after what felt like the hundredth time SS22 said these types of things to me over YEARS, and after I cried and sobbed over it, DH agreed that my home should be a safe space for me. He now chooses to see SS22 outside our home. SS22 is not allowed at our home or in our yard.
Example 3: A loose dog wandered onto our property three times in a matter of a couple of weeks. This dog was one of the breeds of dogs known to be aggressive. My DH let me handle it. When the dog's owner was in our driveway screaming at me, DH calmly sat at his desk doing paperwork inside. He would not stick up for me and help me handle this nutbag who was angry at me for telling him that his dog needs to be contained. 
Example 4:  SD16 stole expensive items from me and watched me worry over losing them for MONTHS. When I found them in her closet hidden away in a box, DH did NOTHING about it. He did not talk to her or address her theft for MONTHS. I'm talking like 4 or 5 months. Finally when I lost something and thought she had taken it, he said something to her about her thefts. When she sneered, "I only feel bad when I steal from CERTAIN people, dad," DH had nothing to say in response. 

I feel very hurt when my DH gets down on me for the house being untidy. I feel like he doesn't want me in his life and sees the kids and I as just mess makers and complications. I also feel hurt when he rolls his eyes at purchases I make that improve the lives of our children and makes our house a home. It hurts that he does not consider these financial contributions. DH's argument is that because the money is not earned outside the home by me, that my purchases are not contributing to the "community pot." To me, kids cost money. Not every cent can be saved for the next rental property build. We have to live, too!
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Things I spend my money DH gives me each month on: zoo membership, kids' clothing, kids' furniture, furniture for our home, groceries, fuel costs to get to the zoo, education expenses for my son.

Now that I work 40 hours a week nights, and continue to care for the children during the day, DH has asked me at what point will my money be given to him to build more rental property so that he can retire in 10 years. I resent this question because I feel like our home being 100% done and enjoyable is more important than his retirement plan that I may or may not get to enjoy with him in 15 years. Even though I can see that retirement is an important thing to be prepared for, I still have many years of work ahead of me. At least 25 years worth of full time work. DH has a fear that I am going to leave him as soon as he "gets old." What he doesn't realize is that I have already noticed him "getting older" in many ways, and I don't mind it. I am unhappy in our marriage for other reasons, not because of his age. 

Housework
We both contribute. But I do the majority. AND I work 40 hours a week nights. AND I care for the children full time. So for you commentors who say I'm some sort of gold digger stereotype, the world is just not that simple. I have the most wonderful job and it greatly improves my self worth and my mood. I get to leave the house, leave town, and be who I am. Not some sad woman in a sad marriage. I get to be something other than the second wife. Or mom. I get to be a professional who helps others. And I make it work with a couple of naps a day. One in the morning for two hours and one in the afternoon while the baby sleeps. I'm proud of myself for finding out how to earn from outside the home and still care for my kids. 

I make lunch and dinner. DH makes breakfast and coffee.
I do all the laundry. DH will help out if I get behind. This rarely happens anymore, because I get the laundry done.
We both grocery shop. 
I am nearly always "on duty" with the kids, unless I am on my way to work. I will sometimes ask for a half hour to hour "break" after dinner, or for an hour or so on the weekends to work on creative projects. 

Do I have an anger problem? yes. Have I been working on it? Yes. Is this an abusive marriage? yes. Does it have to stay this way? I don't think so.