Goodbye weekends, Goodbye adult time!!...FML…
During the summer while school was out bitch face ex wife had kept SD9 all week until Thursday when Dear Fiancé or I would pick her up. This was arranged because the bitch is to damn lazy to get a job so she’s unemployed and does nothing but stay at home and refused to pay half of the daycare/ summer camp bill. Anyway so because she kept SD9 all week we would get her on the weekends. (Thursday-Sunday afternoon.) Well this summer was awful. I did not get to enjoy not one damn weekend with my fiancé. NOT ONE!! Even my dad volunteered to babysit but the little brat wanted her daddy and “spend time with Ms. Foxymama87.” Yeah, spending time my ass! Watching TV or playing on the computer ignoring both her father and step mother does not in any way mean we are having nor spending quality time together. Misery loves company and if the little shit is bored then we have to be as well because god forbid if DF says “no, daddy needs adult time with foxymam87”.
Comes School time FINALLY! We will now have SD9 all school week because bitch face refuses to have to go out of her way to pick her up from school and then wake up early the next day to take her. Then when DF asked her if she will be having SD9 on the weekends she had the nerve so say No. That she will have her on the weekend if she had not made any plans with anyone else. In other words when it’s convenient for her! I guess hanging out with her friends and other child with her now husband are more important and are now her main priority then her freaking SD9. Saddest part about all this drama with bitch face is that the bitch is a saint!! She can never do no wrong in SD9’s eyes! SD9 better prepare herself for a rude awaking when she gets older! Anyway so now not only do I have to play mommy to someone who doesn’t appreciate it during the week but now I’m stuck doing it during the weekends to!!!
DF and I spoke about this and he got all upset with me because he felt like I don’t like SD9. He said that we should be happy because SD9 will be ours for most of the time. Correction, HIS all the time and It’s not about liking SD9 or not. It’s about wanting to have alone time with my future husband; it’s not all about being a father but a husband to your future wife as well!! To want to spend time with your wife. To be able to enjoy a nice ADULT movie (one that’s rated PG13, R for mature audiences only!) a nice dinner or conversation without freaking SD9 butting in! Is that too damn much to ask!!
I CANT EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST MOVIE OR RESTURANT WE WENT TO WITHOUT SD9 TAGGING ALONG THAT’S HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN!!
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I have a hard time
I have a hard time empathizing with this plight because not having "me" time is a big part of being a parent. You make it happen. If you and your FH had a child together then you wouldnt have expectation of it leaving during the week or on the weekends. You would have to make adult time happen. Just because a child in the home is a step child doesnt make this any different. I'm assuming your DH has primary custody for a reason and that the child is in fact better off being with her dad the majority of the time. Therefor you have to arrange adult time the same as you would if your SD were your BD. If you want to go out when child is there during the week or the weekend make arrangements. Have an in-law, neighbor, or friend take her, send her to a friends for an over night, the same things you would do if the child were biologially yours.
I agree but there's no making
I agree but there's no making arrangements with DF. He feels that every min and of everyday should be dedicated to his little princess and if he does want adult time it has to be something that HE enjoys doing under his terms...like going on his motorcycle and bar hop, go to a sports bar and watch a game etc... there is no happy medium, he doesn't know how to compromising and it drives me off the wall. And I think its a little different if it was Our child/my child. I would have a say in it instead of just being pushed aside. Yes, I have "ME" time I get plenty of "ME' time, that's not the prob. What WE need is husband and wife time and its hard to do when your other half doesn't see eye to eye.
My DH was the same way for
My DH was the same way for the first couple of years. Finally I mandated that if he wanted to continue this relationship, if we didn't have my BS (father deceased), he needed to make provisions for his kids with a sitter or sleepovers. I insisted on at least that night since it happened so rarely that my son was gone. Thank god for Boy Scouts and camping... You have to lay it out for him that unless the foundation of the marriage is good, than the family relationship will suffer.
Yep that's what I had to do
Yep that's what I had to do too.
This is true, but most
This is true, but most couples that have a child together had lots of alone time before they had the child.
So, I can totally understand where she is coming from. She didn't sign up for this....it wasn't her choice at all.
But, my advice is the same as the rest. Try and make arrangements for yourself and FDH to get out as often as you can.
He doesn't like doing the things you do? Well, that's a whole other problem!
I can empathize - it's tough
I can empathize - it's tough to be the "full time" step parent without any of the rewards or rights. I'm in a similar situation; we have SS6 every weekday evening and 3 of 4 weekends. During the school year I am the mom to SS almost all the time he is not sleeping or in school.
The thing that irks me is that BM thinks she has him "so much!" and that she can't possibly cope with him any more than she does. Listen lady: You have EVERY DAY to yourself for at least 12 hours because you don't have a job OR a kid during the day or evenings.
The thing DH doesn't understand is that having his son is a burden to me. I don't ever think 'yay! SS is coming over!" I get no joy out of having him, i'm just not a kid person and never pretended to be. No, I would never begrudge him time with his son, but it's not exactly "fun!" for me. A "Thank you" every once in a while would go a long way.
That said, we do get alone time one weekend a month, so I'm not exactly that put out. Having a family member childsit every now and then seems perfectly reasonable and exactly what you would do with any biokid. I'd insist on it.
Exactly, thank you
Exactly, thank you Siferra...
I'm not to perky about children either and I'm all about tough lovin! I honestly treat SD9 as if I would treat my own flesh in blood. DF thinks I'm always out to get her but that's just the way I am, period. Thats how I was raised and grew up. And that fact the SD9 is so unappreciative and would care less if I was in her life or not just makes it that much harder. So sorry if I need a break from the little shit! I know I will be needing a break when I'll have my own little shits but at least I know I will have my say and what mommy says goes...
Sounds like you need a court
Sounds like you need a court ordered agreement. If you will have SD pretty much full time now, will BM be paying child support??
We have full custody of SD9
We have full custody of SD9 the bitch only suppose to have her every wed and every other weekend. And the bitch also needs to pay DF for child support. They have been divorced for 9 years now and he has yet to see one penny of ANY Child support and she gets SD9 when ever she feels like it. The only reason why she kept her during the summer was because we told her she had better pay for at least half of the summer camp funds. heck no!, not from her wallet so she dealt with SD9 and rarely because every time I would ask SD9 what she did at mommy's house she would tell me she was at a neighbors house playing with her little friend or an aunts house, etc... never with her mother! grr!
Have to find a way to make
Have to find a way to make time. Put her to bed early and watch a tv show that you both enjoy. Cuddle up on the couch. Just last night DH & I discovered that we could play games on the tv on some cable channel. We spend an hour playing spelling games just the 2 of us. Boys were up in their rooms. On the weekends if the weather is nice we go to the community pool. Even if we take the kids, we get to be together for some US time while the kids are swimming we sort of just lounge on one side of the pool by ourselves. It is something you have to find a way to make happen. Sometimes we just lock the door to our room and take a long shower together. The kids cant get in the room so we know they can't knock on our bathroom door. Little things can go a long way.
1) BM should be paying CS
1) BM should be paying CS since skid is with you most of the time.
2)Hire a sitter. Go out one weekend a month for dinner, movie, or night club as a couple.
3) Get a hobby (scrapbooking, book club, bowling) that means you are out with the girls at least one night a week. Let DH handle the skids bedtime so you are free as a woman with no kids should be.
4) Go on couple only vacation at least once a year. DH and I have played tourist in our own town many times for a long weekend without any kids.
I totally empathize with you.
I totally empathize with you. We have them formally every other weekend and every Wednesday but because we live only 2 blocks away it seems like they are always popping in and out. Which is just how FH wants it. I really AM happy that he is happy but he refuses to understand that these are not my children and I do not get a thrill out of seeing them just drop in. They are almost unfailingly rude to me, usually want something when they show up, and fight with each other (and I mean SCREAMING fights) half the time they are here. Gee - what bliss!
If I could get him to discipline them or get him to show appreciation for my dealing with them, it would be one hell of a lot easier to accept. But simply being expected to "roll with it" without the slightest control over the situation sets my teeth on edge and builds resentment.
Appreciation! THAT IS THE
Appreciation! THAT IS THE KEY!
I didn't even have a happy Mothers day this year. You would think DF would have taken SD9 to Walgreens to at least get me a card or ask her to at least make me one, one that would says happy step mothers day or Foxymama87 day (I dont want to replace her mother I know she has one unfortunately) but got nothing, zip! nada! DF asked SD9 if she had wished me a happy mothers day and she had the nerve to ask him WHY?
NOTE: Her mother didn't want SD9 that day. She spent it with her other child with her now husband.
Thats the thanks I Get! Sometimes I just want to say screw you both! ugh!
I had to laugh in recognition
I had to laugh in recognition at your Mothers Day story. Mine was exactly the same way - down to the "why?" Did your DF say anything to them then? Mine did not and I was furious! He said that they don't understand that there are all kinds of "mothers." Seriously??? They are teenagers - time to figure out how the world works. I told him that Step-parent's Day is Sept. 16th and I had damned well better be recognized for the efforts I make or heads will roll. And his will be first!
Mine did not as well! GRR! I
Mine did not as well! GRR! I feel you!
I can see your point. However
I can see your point. However if something happens to her mother you will get her full time anyway. Are you really prepared for this change in events? My DH put that to me before we married "You know, if something happens to K, I end up with the boys 24/7. Can you live with this?" And I could. So having the boys over for additional time was fine with me. BUT (and here it all changes) my DH insisted his sons treat me with respect and politeness. If I said "Please turn the TV down.' they had to do it or lose TV privileges. He also made sure we got personal time together. A shut bedroom door meant knock and do not barge in and it better be important.
So your problem REALLY isn't your SD but your FH. He is 24/7 her cruise director which leaves no time for you. Do you want to live this way forever? I wouldn't. Or did he want someone to buffer against p.r.n. with little thought as to where you would fit in his life? IS this time to rethink your proposed marriage to this man because it doesn't seem like you see eye to eye on this issue.