What do 4 Year Olds Think?
SO and I are having an argument over SD4. I tell him I'm not her mother. SD comes running into the room and says, "you're not my mother?" I thought this truth was self-evident 
I said "no, I'm not, you have a mother." She asked, "momma?" I said, "yes, momma." SO, in his accent says, "you're a momma too." She looks from one to the other and I tell her I'm her step-mother, a kind of mother when she is with her father. I feel very bad that she heard that. When she left she ran back to kiss me and said "I love you." The problem is BM is psycho BM and tells SD4 all sorts of terrible things about me and her father. What does this child think about her new family structure and how we all interact together? She was 2 when we met but I don't know how much children understand, I don't have any.
F.
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When my DD was 2 her brother
When my DD was 2 her brother went back home to live with his mother in another state - all she remember at 5 is that her brother only visits - she does not remember that he lived full time with her for the first 2 years of her life. So she sees you are one of her mothers it is all she knows. Children usually don't remember what happens before 2 years of age. So your are not her mother but you are her momma and that is good enough for her just go with that!!
If your sd calls you mommy
If your sd calls you mommy imo that is a good thing. Regardless if bm told her bad things about you, she still things of you as her mother
. I wouldn't correct her, she might feel like you don't love her or you don't want her. There are enough lady's on this forum who would love to be called mommy by their sk.
My ss 11 calls me mom, I love it. It's better then when he used to say: "you're not my mother" lol. Now I am mom and he is my son, it works for us.
The same with Dh he calls his stepmother " mom" all the time, even when he just talks about her, he always refers to her as his mother.
Kids have such a hard time
Kids have such a hard time with titles and their meanings. Just explain it to her the best you can without making "Mom" or "StepMom".
When we explained to SD5 that my fiance is not her "real" dad (this was after she said "Grandma says that you're not my real daddy, you're my fake daddy, so I don't have to listen to you"), we sat her down and said:
Only one mommy and one daddy can make a child. The daddy puts something special in mommy's belly that makes the baby grow. You were made from Mommy (BM) and Daddy Matt. But when someone cares for you like a Mommy or Daddy does, it is sometimes okay to call them Mommy or Daddy, too.
At a later date, we also explained adopted kids and I think that helped her to understand, too.
This last Mother's Day, SS3 had a hard time when my fiance took the kids to get me flowers. SS3 kept saying, "But SteppingUp's not my mommy!" So DF had the talk with him, too: That I'm like a mommy, that I do a lot of things for him that are things that a mommy does, so today is the day to tell any of your "mommies" that you love them. He also told SS3 and SD5 that he calls his own stepmom to tell her Happy Mother's Day because she's "like" a mommy to him.
Try to reference as many different situations as you can so they can relate. You could even use a few animal references (google when animals mother a different species) and discuss how the mama leopard adopts the baby baboon and loves it.