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It is so hard to fall from a pedestal

Freedom2005's picture

Some hard lessons were learned tonight by BF and SD10, such as she is not the only child in our home.

Last night, BF asked me if SD10 could sleep on the couch in our room one night this week. Not for any reason other than she asked to do so. No crisis, no special night, no storms.... just wanted to sleep in our room.

I could not give him an answer right away. I don't think she SHOULD sleep in our room at all! She is 10 years old! My daughters were in their own room before they were 2!

I had thought I came up with a solution. I called my BF well before bed time and told him my decision. Tonight is my oldest daughter's (BD10) birthday, she is now 10. I told him that SD10 could sleep in our room another night this week IF MY daughter could sleep in our room tonight, being her birthday. He agreed! I thought to myself, THANK YOU GOD! I was given a solution and I was ok with it and he was ok with it. SD10 would not be the only kid getting special privileges.

Until I went home for lunch (I work nights).

I found SD10 in our room on the couch along with BF. My girls were in another room watching tv and his son was in his room doing his thing. SD10 was all cuddled up on the couch like she was going to be sleeping there. I said, "Maybe there was a misunderstanding, I thought BD10 was going to be sleeping here?"

BF, "She is, SD10 and I are just finishing up a tv show"

BF then looks at SD10 who is on the verge of tears, and explains, "Remember I told you that you can be in here another night"

When I left 20 minutes later, SD10 was in her room bawling her eyes out. I went about my business with my daughters and told SD10 good night.

I told BF good night though the door of the bathroom as he was taking a shower. He had started to give me the cold shoulder.

This is what the counselor was talking about, letting SD10 fall from the pedestal that her father has put her on. He will have a hard time doing it, she will have a hard time falling, and I will hurt for them both. It has to be done though for HER benefit. She will end up a better person for it.

If BF wants to get rid of me after trying to stand up for MY daughter for what WE agreed to, then I know what kind of man he REALLY is. That he had me move in with him to be a maid, cook, financial support and other various things and still have his cuddly little relationship with his daughter and make me below her in the family hierarchy.

The counselor is trying to fix this. I am thinking I just might have to scrap this and start over with just me and my girls.

My guy is a great guy, but for this worship of his daughter might not be worth the effort. I am tired. Physically tired of dealing with this. I keep thinking that if it were not for me being there, they would not have to deal with this. On the other hand though, it is healthier for his daughter to not be treated this way. It is detrimental to her well being. If she learns that she is all that matters, she will think that is the norm and that life should give her everything. I had that happen to me. I learned different really quick. I am responsible for MY happiness. It can be a tough lesson or something you grow up with and cherish. I find it so sad that I am trying to help and it hurts. It is not easy.

It would not surprise me if this ends up being a fight. I will get the cold shoulder tomorrow night (my night off) and end up in a cold bed.

I miss my good relationship with my BF. He is my best friend. He says he will not choose between us. It seems to me he already has. Sad

Comments

Constantly_guilty's picture

My DH had a bit of this sickness when he and I were first dating. He wouldn't refer to me as his GF for months for fear of hurting her (even though he and his exW had been apart for years and SD10 had already been introduced to her new boyfriends). He did get over it though, with some work on my part. I got lucky SD10 really wanted my daughter and I in her life, I don't think she really wanted to be on the pedestal he put her on.

Have faith Freedom, this too shall pass.

stepoff's picture

My thoughts exactly. It's a vicious cycle. By allowing her to sleep in the room, she will remain feeling needy and clingy and it will keep her from being able to let go (so to speak) of daddy and be a big girl. You will never have a place with her father because you will - literally - be the one coming between them. I understand that there should be a bond between father and daughter, but that's a bit ridiculous. My son is 2 and sleeps in his 'big boy's bed' by himself. Time for her to do the same?

Freedom2005's picture

I can relate... just like cookies are not a snack, they are a treat.... for weeks now SD10 has been coming to me... "can I have a cookie for a snack?"

"no, that is a treat, how about an apple..."

SD10, "Ok..." she sneaks away, "Daddy!!!! Can I have some candy?"

:?

It never ends....

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

Freedom2005's picture

Crayon! thank you so much! I have read articles about this stuff before, and this one is VERY good at explaining things!

Again, thank you so much!!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm