In the ongoing saga of "do I stay or do I go" I still am having the angry feelings. I am, however, trying to look past them. I am trying to just exist. That, however, is the problem. I don't want to just exist. It really bothers me that my feelings for him are just frozen. I don't look at him (SO) like I even like him anymore. IT REALLY BOTHERS ME!

This morning he screwed up with my kids again. It is raining here and he was off work (normal day off) He was suppose to drive my girls to school. My daughter started texting me, but I was in a meeting. I WAS AT WORK! HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM! They were texting me that he was still asleep. I called him after I read the texts after my meeting. It was 10 minutes before they were suppose to be in class. He said that he was going to take them now. I texted my daughter back that he was going to take them. 5 minutes later, he calls me..."they are not here, they must have walked" Pretty sad, the 11 year old and 9 year old are more responsible than you are. "I asked them to wake me up when they were ready," Yeah, put that responsibility on the kids.

Ok, so I know he is tired, but the same type of thing happened just last week...

It was raining, again, he was suppose to pick them up from school. When he was not there to get them on time, they went to a friend's house and had them drive them home. Once again, my daughter's are more responsible than him. His own kids call grandma, who is sleeping since she is on 3rd shift, instead of going to the 'friend's' house that is right across the street from the school.

Long story short (too late) he keeps forgetting my kids, there are other instances. How is this 'helping' me as he says. He says we need to help each other. I should watch his kids when he is not there. Ok... what about the money I spend on a sitter when you are at work sometimes? What about the fact that I have never ever left your kids standing in the rain. What about that your kids have never been late to school because of me? (I take them to school every morning since it is on my way to work)

On my days off, he calls me and asks me to go get stuff for him. I rarely get paid back for them. Then he comes home and says, "Well, I am glad you did something today on your day off, I would feel jealous if you hadn't" Like I don't do anything....

This feeling though... of .... nothing. It concerns me. Why live with a man that I feel nothing for? Arrangement? For help? It does not seem like I am getting any. Well, I do live in a house instead of an apartment. I pay less rent. I keep thinking that I would have different stress if I moved out. (Friend of mine reminded me that it would not be "less" since I would take on different responsibilities.) He would have more. Frankly, I would love to see how he would make it without me. Once again, maybe I should move out for 2 weeks or so. Let the laundry pile up, let the fridge get empty. I would go on strike, but he would just kick me out. Plus, my girls have not done anything wrong. I have taught them well to take care of themselves.

I feel so bad about this. I wanted this to work. I wanted to be happy with him. Now I am so sad. I want this over. I just want to crawl in a hole. I try so hard, even with my ex, with my family and with my SO. It just never seems good enough. I try to talk to him and he says I am over reacting. I feel numb, but I feel sad because I am numb. I think I would rather be upset with him. I guess maybe, I have realized that getting angry does no good. It just wastes my energy. I would rather spend my energy on me and my girls.

No more doing things with his kids. No more doing anything for his kids. I will keep watching them over night when he works nights, but that is about it. Minimal.

Just me and my girls now.