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Disengaged skid suddenly decides to Engage

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Fri, 02/20/2015 - 3:01pm

Some of you with good memories might remember me as the one with the SD12 who is allowed by DH to roam the neighborhood with no rules or boundaries. SD never is expected to help around the house...not even with her own room. It was such a disaster for many years as we have had SD fulltime for over 7 years. BM is completely out of the picture. During the past 7 years, I have tried and failed at many approaches. I tried to be the mom--the only "mom" SD ever knew and I tried to lay out the rules that any mom would have set. That didn't work. SD knows I'm not her mom. I tried to sit on the sidelines and coach DH on life lessons SD needed to learn. That didn't work. DH thought I'm nothing but negative. Then, after constant hurt, pain, & disrespect, I tried full disengagement. That sort of worked so far.

So here I am, finally watching DH step up to the plate (Temporarily) and he is making SD do the dishes every now and then. Not much, but it's more than she ever was expected to do before. Problem is, she is in such a bad habit of doing everything in her life HALF-ASSED that my dishes are all fked! For me, personally, there's nothing quite worse than the thought of eating off a dirty dish or fork. It just makes me sick.

So, while it's about freaking time SD has stepped up to lift a finger around here to help, she still refuses to do anything but the bare minimum. I've addressed this (gently) over the past 2 weeks, but DH doesn't think it's a big deal that SD doesn't really try.

NOTE: I respect things that are a big deal to DH and I try to accommodate. It seems fair that he would respect things that are a big deal to me (i.e. clean dishes) and try to accommodate. But NO. I get no favors in return.

I'm ready to tell SD & DH that I am the only person allowed to clean the dishes....but, how stupid would that be??! I'll be asking for no help, then it all falls on me again.

Comments

Gwynnafaye's picture

Submitted by Gwynnafaye on Fri, 02/20/2015 - 3:05pm

When my brother and I didn't clean dishes to my mother's satisfaction, she took every dish, pan, and silverware out of the cabinet, and made us wash them until they were gleaming. It only happened once.

canichangemyanswer's picture

Submitted by canichangemyanswer on Fri, 02/20/2015 - 3:12pm

True, but at least you have clean dishes. Been right where you are and I picked clean dishes. Every time I start to get mad when princess trots off to her room after dinner without turning her hand to help, I just remind myself I chose not to pick this battle.

Pokeyketchum's picture

Submitted by Pokeyketchum on Fri, 02/20/2015 - 3:40pm

I think if you tell DH and SD "Don't touch the dishes" you will be giving your DH all the ammunition to say "I tried to make her do chores but you are never satisfied with anything I do." And maybe this is SD's intent also. She will do them poorly so she won't have to do them.
I think perhaps if you just re-washed your own dishes you will win this battle. It is still really the same thing. You are doing no more work than if you did ALL the dishes. And maybe DH will get a disgusting fork and settle this himself.
Disengagement.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Fri, 02/20/2015 - 8:47pm

I have SD13 and SD19. When SD19 is home from college, the kitchen goes to shit. The dishes always have crud on them when they come out of the dishwasher. I might just pack up the dishes when she comes home this summer and resort to paper with plastic utensils.

If I'm a real bitch, I'll transfer the cost out of her savings account, too. }:) Oooh, and make HER take out the overflowing trash!

~ Moon