Thank God I found this site
I am really thankful for finding this site. I have been a stepfather for four years to four adult women (ages from 26 - 21) and have been at my wits end for all four years. To further compound issues, we are an interracial couple where I am an African-American and my wife and stepdaughters are Caucasian. Not that race "specifically" matters (although I have been called the N word by one of my stepdaughters and her boyfriend on separate occassions) but I feel like it further leads to my feelings of isolation as I moved to Oregon four years ago, and lets just say Oregon isn't exactly a melting pot.
As I read some of the posts from other members, I realize that I am not alone in how I think my adult stepdaughters all have a sense of entitlement. Seems to be a pretty common theme on this site, and I am glad that some of my feelings are now rationalized. For too long I have been made to feel as if I am overreacting or I am overly critical of their behavior, or always "looking or something wrong". In the four years I have been here, my wife and I have had the place to ourselves a maximum of 8 months because we are always a revolving door for my stepdaughters to move back in. My wife justifies by saying she had to raise them all by herself with no help, so she is all they know and is the only person they can ever depend on.
Everytime one of them moves back in, I feel like I don't have a wife anymore because my wife pretty much gives all her attention to whichever stepdaughter is living with us and their kid because they don't know how to do anything for themselves. (Yes, all of my stepdaughters have kids, which is another issue in itself, not to mention only one of the four actually graduated from high school.) I am honestly surprised that any of them can wipe their own butts without my wife's help. This has worn on me to the point where I have been taking Prozac for the past few months to deal with my feelings of isolation and depression because I feel like no matter what I do or say, things will be the same. I have even tried looking for any local support groups in my area, but I have had no luck. Of course when I started looking online for help, the only websites I would find are all the ones with the biological parents bashing the step-parent, or making the step-parent appear evil, which is of course typical. I am so glad that I found this website because I know now that there are other people who feel my pain and I don't feel quite so alone. Just writing this all out and putting my thoughts to words makes me feel better already. Whoever started this website....THANK YOU!
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Comments
What you said...kind of my
What you said...kind of my situation, over indulged/entitled SD's that I feel completely powerless at times to properly discipline.
Well, first "what were you
Well, first "what were you thinking?"
OK, sorry...I just flip thinking of a guy w/no kids marrying a woman w/4 kids when so many w/out kids are out there.
Now that I have that off my back, welcome! Sad, but true...entitled kids of divorce & their parents feel it's ok to treat sparents bad, but would never allow their kid to treat their best friend the same, funny isn't it?
So, if 1 out of 3 graduated, and all have kids...momma didn't do a very good job raising those kids...which means the kids ran the house and obviously either momma didn't care or who knows...but that also means they will continue to be allowed to run the place.
PS do not pay all bills or even 1/2 and allow her adult kids to live w/you...split the rent 3 ways or however many people live there...because soon, you will be just the guy who pays the bills.
Thanks for all of your
Thanks for all of your comments and making me feel welcome. What was I thinking? Well, I was thinking that since all of her kids were adults except for one (who was 17 when we got married) that it wouldn't be so bad. But they are some of the most needy people I have ever seen. Yes, only one of the four finished high school and all had kids before the age of 20. I really had no idea that they were like this until we got married. Don't get me wrong... I love and adore my wife. When its just her and I at home, our marriage is wonderful and we hardly ever fight. When one of the kids moves in, the tension inside of me starts to build up. I want to say no, but of course what I hear is "I'm not going to let my grandchild live in the streets." I do feel like at times that the grandkids are used to make us feel guilty. They aren't really bad people, they're just used to their mom giving them their way and used to her spending her last dollar to help them out and I won't allow it anymore.
herewegoagain you are exactly right...the inmates (kids) were running the asylum until I came along. Now that I have started to put my foot down about loaning out money or bailing them out of another jam, of course I am public enemy #1. I have now gotten to the point where I have started calling them out on their BS and they hate me even more for that. The SD that is living with us now, she is the worst because she is the youngest and most spoiled. Has never had to work for anything in her life. Trust me, barring something life-changing happening, none of them will ever move back in with us again.
You are in the unfortunate
You are in the unfortunate position of trying to retrain these girls to be adults. If your wife doesn't get on board with you, it's a no win situation. You can either cave and go along with it or fight it all the time. You need to agree as a couple how this will be handled.
And I have the sense that many of these girls have babies to extend their period of dependence, weird as that sounds. The baby is a very effective tool to pry support out of mom and dad.
Welcome! Yes the grandkids
Welcome!
Yes the grandkids are being used for emotional blackmail. I am sorry for your situation. Apparently there is something that made you fall in love with your wife but really...sounds like she did a crappy job of raising these women, and being a single parent is NOT an excuse.
I too have had and may again have adult SKids. So many times on this board I hear the SParent say they can't wait til the kid is 18. I just sigh
Touche . .my SD has 2 parents
Touche . .my SD has 2 parents . . and a whole village of wonderful relatives and grands on DH's side. DH gave her the princess title, and while she was taught the value and importance of an education and career, she was taught little else. She's lazy, selfish, lacks common sense, is unfriendly, manipulative and wants everybody to kiss her a!@. This is just an example that advanced degreed brats are just as irritating, annoying and pathetic.
Finally for all of those who say "I can't wait until they turn 18." Don't count on some huge character change. My SD will turn 28 in a few months and still lives at home. Turning a certain age doesn't make them adults, teaching them life skills, integrity, kindness, accountabilty, maturity, and self-reliant does.
Yep....when they turn 18, it
Yep....when they turn 18, it really means nothing. It just becomes more aggravating that they're still acting like they're 12.
What did your wife say about
What did your wife say about the racial slur? The SD that had the balls to do that should be banned from your home. Her boyfriend should have had a few teeth knocked out.
I did try to fight the
I did try to fight the boyfriend but I stopped because he is the type that will call the cops on you after he instigates everything. My wife did stand strong when the racial slur was thrown at me, but of course that only lasted a few months. My SD's will pretty much say whatever they think you want to hear when they apologize and my wife falls for it hook, line, and sinker.