Very Messy Situation- Looking for Feedback
OK, here's your hypothetical scenario. You have a kid. He's now 9. His mother has been attempting to alienate him from you for the past year, and has finally succeeded. He's gone from 50/50 custody to EOWE. During his visits, he doesn't speak to you or anyone else in the family. He hides in his room the whole time. He never wants to talk on the phone when you call to see how he is. The kid has always been far closer to his mother as she never encouraged a father-son relationship. THEN, you find out the kid isn't yours biologically. You still love him, but there's no relationship.
Completely hypothetical, of course.
What do you do?
1. Keep up the EOWE visits, encouraging the kid to interact even though he doesn't want to. Everyone in the house remains uncomfortable indefinitely.
2. Just see the kid for dinner once a week or so.
3. Don't force the kid to visit at all. What's the point? He's already lost.
4. Tell BM you know he's not your kid, and she attempts to terminate all contact and asks for support. Ask for continued visitation and pay support.
5. Tell BM you know he's not your kid, and she attempts to terminate all contact and asks for support. Pay up and don't worry about contact.
6. Terminate parental rights and (in our state) pay no support.
Are there any other scenarios anyone can think of?
The hypothetical DH and SM in this hypothetical scenario want to try everything they can to "save" this child, but part of them knows it's pointless. Their family is suffering, their other children are suffering. It will only get worse if things continue as they are.
I guess the bottom line is, when is enough enough???
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This just breaks my heart for
This just breaks my heart for "hypothetical" dad and kid.
It is hard to say what the "right" thing to do would be. If it were me and my husband I would say: First things first, terminate parental rights and discontinue support. Supporting a child that is not yours is not something that you should have to do. If after that you want to try and continue a mentor relationship with him I think that is great but as for financial support, that needs to be nixed.
#6 - Not your kid, not your
#6 - Not your kid, not your problem and if the kid wants nothing to do with you why put yourself thru the aggravation and give them your money to boot?
>You still love him, but
>You still love him, but there's no relationship.<
6.
And tell husband to look up the perils of unrequited love.
The only other scenario I can
The only other scenario I can think of is to eliminate BM but apparently that is illegal and you won't be able to save the child if you're in jail...
I think it's to late to save
I think it's to late to save him anyway. He doesn't want to be saved.
The hypothetical SM in this
The hypothetical SM in this case feels very,very evil and cold, but she's been feeling that 6 is the best option as well. Unfortunately, the DH is in denial and stuck in the grief cycle and can't see how not doing this is going to impact his entire family's future.
I'm all for ripping off the Band-Aid quick.
I like the idea of no financial support, but having a mentoring-type relationship with the kid IF he wants it.
I am so sorry to say it but
I am so sorry to say it but you guys really have to stop the CS now. Honestly I would threaten BM with making her pay all the CS back if she does not allow for weekly dinners or something so that you can stay in his life but still not be financially tied down.
We haven't paid support as
We haven't paid support as custody used to be 50/50 but just changed to EOWE. But we're afraid she'll be asking for it soon, and it'll be a pretty significant amount. I don't feel right about taking money away from our household and our kids for a kid that isn't his.
That is why I think you need
That is why I think you need to get this known in the court system ASAP. If no support was ever awarded she should have no right to ask for it now that you know he isn't even your responsibility.
Does BM know that you know the truth?
>I'm all for ripping off the
>I'm all for ripping off the Band-Aid quick.<
Actually, if I understand your DH's grief, the right analogy is akin to having a foot stuck in a sewer grate while the flood waters rise above his head. The only way he'll survive if he can cut off his own foot. Sometimes, letting go of someone you love so deeply feels like cutting off a limb.
We have both been seeing a
We have both been seeing a therapist about this. She agrees with focusing on those we can help and who want to be part of our family.
2 Then 3 Then 6
2
Then 3
Then 6
^^^^ That's what I was going
^^^^ That's what I was going to say. I'm pretty sure it's too late to terminate parental rights at this point.
DH should sit down with SS. Explain to him that a DNA test confirms that biologically he is not his son, but he still considers him his son. That he loves and still wants to continue a relationship with him, but will not force one.
Then, take on a mentor type role with the boy. He'll still have to pay CS, I doubt there is any way out of that.
DH needs to understand that if nothing else but for MEDICAL reasons, SS needs to know the truth.
I can see if he knew all
I can see if he knew all along that he wasn't the father but if he just found out and the BM is a lying sack of sh!t then how could he be held accountable for CS?
and I seriously don't
and I seriously don't understand this theory behind making the man continue to pay CS for a kid that is not his. I mean isn't that like saying that if DH died tomorrow that I would be responsible to pay CS to BM because I have been acting in the role of a parent to skids for the past 6 years?
A question that was never brought up in the Dr. Phil episode that I was waiting for was where was the bio dad?? The woman said she had an affair, she MUST know the man's name etc. So why does HE not become responsible once it is established that other man was duped?
^^^Identity said it so much
^^^Identity said it so much better than I did.
I saw a Dr. Phil episode on
I saw a Dr. Phil episode on this. A man was led to believe for 11 years that his "daughter" was his, he was married to the mother for God's sake. Questions were brought up after divorce and man's new wife thought something was amiss. The BM came clean and admitted that she had an affair and daughter was possibly not his, DNA test proved it. Guess who STILL has to pay child support? I think that part that disgusted me more was that the scumbag mother was actually TAKING the CS from this man.... I mean really???
According to his attorney, he
According to his attorney, he can terminate at this point.
Hypothetically, of course.
Was he ever married to the
Was he ever married to the BM? I ask because if not and he hasn't ever paid child support, then this is the time and ONLY time he has the option to go with route #6.
I understand your DH still cares for this boy and that should be relayed but it sounds like that doesn't really matter to this child.
Yes, they were married. The
Yes, they were married. The child is the product of an affair. Or a one- nighter. Or whatever.
This is a terrible scenario.
This is a terrible scenario. Technically, it isn't the kids fault that his BM is a witch who is creating all this drama. He needs some stability now more than ever. Imagine all of HER words about his dad actually coming true. That's more than any child should ever have to deal with. Unfortunately, there is no way to stop BM from doing all of this damage. I highly doubt confronting her with the truth and hoping to stop her PASing is even remotely an option. High conflict/disordered minds don't see reality when they spin their web of deceit. I don't think there is anything left to do except #6. Having said that, I would first take the child to a therapist, and have them help me to explain the situation in a way that this child can understand. Let him know that he will always be loved and that he can always count on that much needed emotional support from 'would be' Dad and SM.
Really heartbreaking situation.
I agree. The damage has been
I agree. The damage has been done. BM is personality disordered and SS is mentally ill. We can't save him. But yes, we should explain things to him as gently as possible.
6 and if he loved the child
6 and if he loved the child and still wants to help 6 and 2
I'd say 6, but I also know
I'd say 6, but I also know that can really cause a world of issues in a kid's world. Plus, it's not going to be that easy- he's been in this child's life for 9 years, been paying CS on him, and his name is on the birth certificate as the father. So doing this may take a long, long, long, time.
It might just be better to do 2 and/or 3.
6.
6.
What does your husband want
What does your husband want to do, in his gut and in his heart? Ultimately, he has to be able to live with the decision.
My husband's oldest daughter (now 25) has been estranged from him since she was a child. BM's mother wanted my DH to give up his parental rights so she could adopt the kid but he refused, even though the kid wanted nothing to do with him (I believe she was told all along that my husband was not her father).
There is a chance the daughter is not my husband's but he does not care (he believes she is, I don't). So, he paid CS for 18 years for a child who wanted nothing to do with him (unless she wanted something, every few years). He has tried to be a part of her life, to no avail. She has 3 kids, we have only seen 1 (and haven't seen her in 3 years).
He does not regret his decision, even though it got him nowhere and cost quite a bit of money and heartache over the years. Had a DNA test proved she was not his, I probably would have pushed for him to let the GM adopt her, she was raising her anyway. I still don't think he would have done it, though.
I am sorry you and your DH are going through this.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses. I have shared this post with DH, just food for thought and different perspectives. The denial is heavy, but I have to trust that he'll make the right decision for all involved in his own time.