My dad's double life
My story is super strange and little unusual to say the least. I grew up with both of my parents having the perfect "marriage" (20 year long marriage) up until I was like 11. They got divorced, it was totally unexpected and sudden for me and my sisters. (Have in mind that my dad had two sons with another woman before my mother, but they never lived together or got married) My dad had been cheating on my mom for years with this "new" woman and when they got divorced, he left our house and moved with her, had a child with her. I was never (until this day) introduced to this woman, and I have seen their child twice in my life. You would think that my dad wasn't around but think again!! I saw him pretty much every day of my life. He went back with my mother and pretty much stayed in "both waters" until... well... until... today?
This has been my dad's schedule for YEARS: Goes to work, comes back out at around 4 pm, goes to the wife's house, changes clothes stays there for a while, and goes to my mom's house at around 7 or 8 PM, stays there until 11 or 12 PM, goes to sleep in the wife's house!
Can you believe this has been the arrangement every day for about 8 years now. My sisters are both older than I am but still live in the house with my mom and it is just soooo weird. oh and the weekends he would also go in the afternoon every saturday and sunday and leave sometime at night.
I lived some strange teenage years, because it did feel like my dad lived with me but it was weird to explain to my friends that he actually slept somewhere else EVERY NIGHT. Oh and also, every time he travels he travels with my mom: they have taken trips to europe, India, south america, resorts, couple retreats, you name it, etc... He also payed for all the expenses in our house as well as bought my mom cars, etc...
It sounds so strange when I actually put it in words but it is real. I still have never seen his wife in person, and his family (including brothers) are actually somewhat close to her.
His mother, (my grandmother) was actually ok having my dad go with his wife one day, and with the ex wife the next one. I know that the one that is absolutely wrong here is mainly my mother, but at this point I think that all the parties involved got sooo used to this life that they don't know how to break the cycle.
By the way, my dad is probably the most mysterious man I have ever known, but that is a whole different story...
I just think about that situation in terms of stepparents (although my dad's wife has/had it easy because he never even introduced us to her, she never had to deal with us)
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I feel really bad for my
I feel really bad for my mom, because she is SUCH a great mother and also a great wife as in, she would do everything for my dad, she always cooked delicious meals, she kept the house spotless, she did everything he wanted her to do. She was just a little humble thing in the corner when my dad talked, and after they got divorced, she became more outgoing and full of youth, so that part was for the better. But she has been manipulated by my dad to such an extent...
At first, the reason of not moving back in the house was that he didn't want to abandon his child (?) and then that lie got bigger and bigger, then it was because he didn't want to damage his child now that he was used to having both parents... BLAH BLAH
My dad is a good dad, but best husband ever, for sure!
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
No, I truly don't see myself
No, I truly don't see myself addressing any of this issues, he is so secretive, that that part of his life (the wife and kid) has never EVER been mentioned to me or my sisters in our house. One random day he brought his 4 year old son to the house, and that was the first time I saw him. The second time it was cuz my dad wanted a family picture of all of his kids! go figure, a family picture with the brother i have seen twice (counting the picture day)... LOL
I can tell you, my dad is one of the smartest people I know, when it comes to math and businesss, but his personal life is just the most chaotic one...
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
I am serious, and I became
I am serious, and I became so used to that, that it wasn't until I moved out of my house that I saw things objectively and was AMAZED by how my dad has lived his life for so many years.
It all started like this: I didn't see my dad all that much for about a year after they got divorced... that year, my mom and my dad barely talked about anything and we also struggled financially because my dad didn't pay much and we had a big house, my dad was the only one working, so when he moved out my mom was left with the responsibilities that she didn't have before. After that year, my dad started coming back to the house little by little, and my mom told him that he needed to make a decision either stay 100% or leave 100%, he told her that he was going to leave his wife but he didn't want to do that yet, because of the new baby... and that's how it all started, from that lie, to another lie... blah blah blah...
Have in mind that my dad was my mom's FIRST and ONLY man in her life, she never even had a boyfriend before my dad... that plus being together for 20 years... too attached i guess... they engaged in a vicious endless cycle that has not ended many years later...
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
Absolutely right, All this
Absolutely right, All this happened in the country where I am from. And yes i am both hispanic and was raised catholic.
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
Wow, this is the reason I
Wow, this is the reason I hate that whole "Hispanic" word...you know, Americans are Americans, but somehow Hispanics is anyone from the other South American countries...
I don't know where any of you are from or have lived, but I will tell you that I am 42yrs old and my husband is NOTHING like this...and NONE of the friends we have here that are our age are like this. Now, I will say I know SOME women that put up with this but these are usually the women who "don't work, have never worked, and/or want someone to support them".
I have plenty of friends here that I grew up with that worship their wives, help around the house, don't expect dinner everyday...in my old neighborhood we used to laugh (about 4 of us that were always together) because we would have get togethers and it was ALWAYS the men who cooked...even at my house, every once in a while I would start to cook (I cooked less than 2 times a week, my husband cooked more than that or we went out to eat) and my MALE NEIGHBOR (my neigbor's husband) would see me and tell me not to cook that he had already cooked and he'd bring us food over...Most of the women I know here are not maids by any means of the word...many of us go out to happy hour, just like they do in the US...etc...I can say it is a much more family oriented culture, but I NEVER that it is expected for a woman to be treated this way by a man.
By the way, we lived in the US for only 1 1/2 yrs and my husband did the same job there than he did here...while there he had plenty of clients who he would visit that would ask him out, tell him to put his hand in his pockets so they wouldn't see his wedding ring, tell him he had a SEXY accent, etc...first time we came to live here, in 4 yrs he had ONE woman do this...not 8...
So, sorry, but NOT ALL Hispanic people are the same...there are some in some countries (and I won't name them to offend anyone) who seem to be more that way, my sister was married to one until she got sick of it...she used to claim she wouldn't marry someone from our culture because in the US (where we were raised) the view was that people from our culture were machista and now it's funny that she loves my husband, loves to spend time with all our friends from OUR culture and realizes that the one she married that lived in the US for ALL HIS LIFE, but was from a different Hispanic culture was actually a machista vs. anyone she knows from were we are from...
Again, I have seen it here, but normally it is women who do not work, and are lower income...
BTW my mother is not like this, my grandmother was not like this, and most of our friends in Texas are my parent's age 55+ and none of them are like this either...
herewegoagain, Of course NOT
herewegoagain,
Of course NOT all hispanics are like that!!! When did I write that phrase? I have plenty of examples of men that like you said, cook, help around the house, take care of children, etc... One example is my brother, he is just like that with his wife.
That being said, I still admit that MACHISMO is strong in my culture (where do you think the word comes from?), compared (in a general way) to other cultures. By that I mean, that we can all have great examples of great hispanic men, but our culture is more conservative in some ways including that "the man has to provide for the woman" type of mentality, and therefore, the woman has to do everything around the house and with the children. If you have a man that is like you described, then congratulations!
And yes, because of that difference geographic areas (north america-south america) cultures are absolutely different. Like it or not, When we talk about cultures, we don't talk about every single individual, we talk in a general way, and in this specific example applies more to the older hispanic generation.
Also, I'm glad that your family is not like that (what is like that?, the wife being submissive?)My family's females were, for the most part, and also most of the families of my friends, except a few single cases here and there..
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
G - please don't be offended
G - please don't be offended by herewegoagain's post. I don't think she thought you were generalizing. I think she may have been giving the rest of us a little lesson in culture.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
How am I offended? She is
How am I offended? She is the one that seemed offended with the whole "i hate the hispanic word"....
oh well
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
That's what I mean. I don't
That's what I mean. I don't think she meant it that way. I think she hates that other people hear "Hispanic" and don't realize that there are many cultures lumped in that word (vs. saying Cuban, Mexican, Latin American, etc). I think she hates that people don't understand the different nuances of each culture, but I don't think she meant you.
I read that you were telling us about your family and about culture in certain parts of the world and with individuals in those parts, but I also read some responses to your post that caused some other posters to question the hispanic culture as a whole and I think herewegoagain was trying to squash that way of thinking to the group as a whole in response to StepAside's post.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
1) She decided to be "the
1) She decided to be "the other woman" of a married man for years.
2) She has it easy in the sense that never, even ONCE had to deal with stepkids...
3) She definitely does not have it easy because she has to share "her husband" with his ex... and i cannot imagine how she or my mom can live through it...
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
I must be an odd duck (or
I must be an odd duck (or I've just gone over the edge in the past 6 months). I just don't care anymore if dh's family accepts me. I have no desire to "win anyone over". I wish for peace because I don't do well with confrontation and tension, but I've found some of that by being completely apathetic about whether I'm liked or whether the inlaws agree with me or not. I am polite and respectful, but make no effort that requires me to be someone I am not or behave in a way that makes me uncomfortable for the pleasing of others.
I've figured out that they make me uncomfortable because they think they can. The less I care, the more uncomfortable they are and that is their problem.
Sorry - hijacking!
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
whew hoo!! I am a winner! "A
whew hoo!! I am a winner!
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
You said a keay phrase that
You said a keay phrase that sums up all my teenage years in regards to my parents' situation "it is a secret ( although everyone knows)"
I cannot tell you how many times my friends saw my dad at church, or the store with his wife and kid when i had not even met them and when they also saw them in my house with my mom.
My best friend of all time happened to go to a resort with her dad and stepmom a weekend and my dad was actually there with his wife and kid. He had told my mom that he was traveling work-related. BUSTED LOL!!
But yeah, my dad would go to the country club and gym with my mom and also with the wife, and introduce them both as wife (?)... WTF? my dad needs a shrink!
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
I truly believe that Wingnut
I truly believe that Wingnut would be completely content with this arrangement. I think she'd actually be content to move in this house with dh and I. Then she'd bleed us both dry and have 2 people to boss around and cater to her every need.
Not that this is what your mom was doing Gia - obviously there are cultural differences.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
You know what... I could
You know what... I could actually see BM actually liking that arrangment as well. She would have a built in babysitter. She wasn't into sex... so she could have him come to me for that. And then she would have two people she could berate.
But it would be a lose situation for dh and I in that he would have to deal with his ex-wife and her being mean to us... I think we would both have to divorce her.
Wingnut actually commented
Wingnut actually commented shortly after he left that he could come home and they could live together "for Creature's sake" and he could live in the guest room. Translation - You can keep working your ass off and pay for my lifestyle and have your life suck, while my life doesn't change. She only wants her cushy life where she was in the driver's seat (so to speak) back. She wouldn't care if I came with since she never left the house anyway. I'd be an extra paycheck.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
do you and your siblings
do you and your siblings talk about it?
I don't talk to my siblings
I don't talk to my siblings altogether, I live in the states, and they don't. But we have talked about it in the past, and my opinion when I was living in that house was that I did not care about meeting this woman or this child, and didn't want to. I never expressed this to my dad, but my sisters and mother.
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
Well I am Hispanic and
Well I am Hispanic and Catholic. And you are brought up to believe that the man is the head of the household and that you are to treat him as such.
That means, washed and ironed clothes, dinner everynight, sex always available, etc.
Hispanic woman TREASURE their sons. And they want their sons to marry a woman that will treasure them as they will. So many of these men go out looking for a wife with the mindset that he is God's Gift. And that's where the problem starts.
Then you have the Hispanic housewife who is home cooking and cleaning, not much professional training if at all or education. She is fully reliant on this man, so now his ego is even MORE inflated.
So when he begins to have little indiscretions, she looks the other way because the important thing is that he is paying all the bills and coming home to HER. This is the thought process that carries her through years of being cheated on.
And it most likely never changes. The situation with Gia's mom may never change. And why should it? Who is breaking the cycle? It isn't her mom, who may be fully dependent on him in all aspects. It CERTAINLY isn't her dad,who has the sweetest deal of all, the love and companionship of two women. And it isn't the other wife because she may still carry the guilt of breaking up their marriage so she goes along for the ride.
Machismo in our culture is
Machismo in our culture is so real and so wrong. I hate it, I'm glad DH is white, LOL (jk) But yeah, you just described my mom when you said "washed and ironed clothes, dinner everynight". The "perfect" housewife, my mom tells me that my dad never changed a diaper, washed a plate, boiled an egg... but with his new kid, he knew all about all the brands of diapers, bottles, etc... I guess it took my dad 5 kids to realize that he wasn't being very involved in their lives, and decided to try with the 6th kid something different...
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
I appreciate your input but
I appreciate your input but I truly don't let that bother me. We don't even live in the same country, let alone same house. I will never undertstand his choices BUT I can't change them either. It is actually my business because I could have had a good relationship with my brother, but he chose not to mix that child with his former children. And it is my business when (at least back then) all my friends questiones about the weird arrangements. It is my business because nothing, absolutely nothing, was explained to me as a child. I just "had" to go with the flow with whatever the adults were doing and had to learn how to deal with it in my own way. It was actually my business too because I saw my mom cry herself to sleep so many times. At this point in my life, I see all that as my past, but our past is part of who we are today...
I love my dad, and we actually have a good relationship, I don't really have resentment, I just feel really sorry for him and my mom, and my dad's son, because I don't see how having a double life for years is NOT stressful.
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
This is truly
This is truly unbelievable...I don't agree with either woman, not the wife, not her mother either. Fact is, if he cheated, you should've moved on...but staying with someone who has now remarried, is just as bad as dating a married man...so I have no idea what both of these women are thinking...geez...and you know, the man does it because there are women out there who allow this...I honestly think he needs to find a real wife, with some respect for herself and maybe then, he can have a normal life...sigh...
A real wife? LOL I don't
A real wife? LOL I don't think he would ever have a normal life. And i don't think that he would ever leave my mother alone (not after being in each other's lives for about 35+ years) they went to high school together.
I think that my dad deserves to be lonely, it might sound cruel, but his wife and ex should both leave him for good. To see what he does...
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
it is a double life
it is a double life regardless of them knowing or not. He claims two different wives as "his wife" and two different families as his "family" it is DOUBLE....
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
Wow, that is very unusual
Wow, that is very unusual and I am sure upsetting to everyone! So sorry dear
_________________________________________________________
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
~Ogden Nash
I am close to my older
I am close to my older brothers as I grew up knowing they were my brothers ans socializing. One of them lived with me and the other one lived with my grandmother because their mother abandonned them and left the country.
I also love my nieces and nephews (their sons and daughters) the only brother that I have only seen twice is his 8 or 9 year old son.
I don't want to sound mean, but I don't care about meeting his son, I think that it was my dad's responsibility to make sure that we knew our brother and to somehow try to make us all bond, but he decided to keep him and keep us from him as a "SHHHHHHHHHHH" so, it is not my fault, now I live in USA and I am sure I will never ever have a relationship with this brother, if he even knows my name...
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"