Being forced to be a Full Time Stepmum
I am very new to the website and I only stumbled across it last night after googling in anger. This a bit of a long one so do bear with.
My SO has a 4 year old son who is very, very behind with his speech and language (more like a 2 year old), he was seeing his son EOW and the Skid lived with his BM the rest of the time. SO has always known that I do not want kids, have no interest in kids, don't understand why anyone would want kids, don't get what parents get out of it?? (anyone?). Therefore your first judgement is going to be "Well why did you get with someone who had a kid?" because my SO's son does not define him, he is way more than just a parent and I love him very much for the person he is and the way he treats me. His son was a big fat mistake with a women he had only known for a month and was way, way to young to be having a kid. SO said he would support whatever decision she made and she selfishly choose to go ahead with the pregnancy and keep the Skid.
Me and SO have been together just over 2 years and in December finally moved into together into a rented flat....this is where the real story starts...on Jan 1st BM was supposed to have Skid dropped off to her at 12pm as me an SO were going down to the south coast to see my mum (we live in Hertfordshire, her in Hampshire) We had a text from her at 10am saying she was stuck at a friends house and had been left by her friends and we would have to drop Skid off at the normal time of 6pm. We knew this was a lie as when we made the arrangement she was trying to push for the 6pm collection anyway. SO tried to call and call but no answer, he was even going to offer to pick her up! So anyway we needed childcare so phoned SO mum, she came to collect Skid, we messaged BM to say arrange collection tomorrow. I have no idea why she didn't get our message but she texted at 6pm "Im here where are you" we messaged back the situation. She rang, SO didn't want the fight so left it....anyway long story short the next day BM messaged saying we had to look after Skid for a "While" as she is "Unwell"
Again, going miss loads out but basically she is saying she has been diagnosed with depression and she is suicidal. Since she said that on Jan 3rd, we have had limited contact with her and really the truth is, she doesn't know how to be a parent, doesn't like the fact the Skid is now 4 and has challenging behaviour and doesn't want to be a mum anymore at 21 because basically it sucks. She is now ignoring all attempts to contact her and has not asked to see or even speak to Skid.
Skid only goes to pre school in the PM, this is due to his lack of speech and language skills and the school can't support him full time. SO and I both work full time. We have arranged childcare between SO's parents (divorced), (BM's mother has also told us not to contact her) but this is not a permanent solution as both grandparent households are retired and both want to have holidays and go off to their house boat from March and won't be around for long periods of time.
I am now being forced to have the Skid around, every AM and PM (although I don't really see him as he is still in bed when I leave for work and usually in bed by the time I get home) and EVERY weekend. As I said above, me and SO have only just moved in together and are both signed into a year long lease. I can't afford the place on my own and would be liable to still pay rent if I left. I love my SO a lot and don't want to force him to move out as he too would be liable for rent and earns significantly less than I do and just plain would not be able to afford it but I do not want to live with a Kid!
I really do not know what to do anymore, I work in a Law environment so have spoken to colleagues who specialise in family law and they say there is nothing in law that says BM has to look after Skid and because SO is on the birth certificate, he has equal parental responsibility. Social Services are not interested as Skid has a house, food, family ect and basically that service doesn't know it's arse from it's elbow.
I am very lucky that SO does support me with parenting decisions for Skids so I am not in this situation where Skid is ruler( if you know what I mean) but I just don't like having him around. I have no connection with and it is very hard to have one as he can't speak well. He is mostly a good kid but I really just don't care, I couldn't care less what he did at school and what his interest are and entertaining him, teaching him and sorting things out for him and all the BS that comes with having a Kid. I am emotionally and physically drained.
We have pulled child maintenance payments from BM but she is still collecting Child Benefit for Skid and not paying us anything. She also lives in a plush council house that she has an extra bedroom for that from my understanding she should now be taxed on and has never worked a day in her life.
I just don't know what to do...I love my SO and don't want to leave him but I DO NOT want to be a "mum" and not have my own space. I feel I have not been able to enjoy my new place as I have a stranger living in it 24/7. What also annoys me is I earn double what my SO does but any benefits he applies for will also be judged against my income, so basically the government says I have no say over the Skid but I can pay for him....yes that's just fine.
If it was up to me I would drive round her house drop the Skid off and call the police saying there is 4 year old outside on his own, of course I can't do that as SO would kill me or contact social services and threaten to make Skid homeless as there is nothing in my lease that says I have to have a 4 year old living with me. My SO totally understands my feelings but I know he is responsible for the Skid by Law but I said to him the other day "How would you like it if I said my mum was ill and was moving in with us and we have to pay for all her care" He didn't really have an answer to that but it is totally the same situation.
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Unfortunately this is a
Unfortunately this is a complication of being involved with someone with kids
There is always always a risk that they kids can come live with them
You are not someone who wants kids like myself but we’re willing to tolerate the kid for short periods of time- however as the time gets longer the tolerance goes down
Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of comfort to offer you. You have very few options: stay and get on with it, leave now, leave in a year when lease is done or they leave. As you are not married from what I understand above child should not be judged on your income so I can’t understand that part.
Re-read your lease and see if there is a clause to allow you to break the lease early such as pay xxx amount and get out. If that is the case work overtime and get that money together then activate the clause and break the lease. If you can afford the place by yourself and he has family near by ask him and kid to leave and pay the rent yourself. Would rather be broke for a year than have my mental health disturbed
If none of those is an option, if you are truly stuck in the lease for a year then you must do everything to protect your own mental health. Dad does everything for kid. You spend time out of the house until kid in bed. At weekends make plans or take extra shifts. The kid is never allowed into the personal space of your room. When you come home you go to room close door and relax
You take care of you
I must warn you that if you can not tolerate this kid and don’t want him around your relationship will not survive. In taking care of you your relationship will be done- you will be roommates and friends for the next year to finish the lease but that will be it
The relationship will not be sustainable because he has to take care of the kid and it doesn’t go with who you are
Neither of you are wrong and your both good people but you can’t have it every way
Bio Mom may never come back; she may leave the kids and go party - you have to prepare for that and to live accordingly
That being said I would report her not having child and claiming the benefits. If your partner has the kid full time he needs to apply for the benefits and potentially get a hearing to change the custody over.
It’s a sad situation. Overall my recommendation is get out as fast as you can without damaging yourself in financial or emotional ways
Well, I got about one-third
Well, I got about one-third through this post and feel I must warn you that it's highly likely that your SO will end up with full custody of this child. Being that you don't like kids, you'll want to think long and hard about a future with this man. It's one thing to be irritated by a 4 year old on an EOWE basis, and quite another to live with a child who irritates you 24/7.
While I a reluctant to use
While I a reluctant to use the "you knew what you were getting into with a SO who had kids" line.... in your case it does fit the bill.
You say your SO is more than just his son..an amazing person etc. The problem with that is that you can't REMOVE the obligation and existence of his son. His son is just as much a part of him as all those other wonderful qualities.
This guy had a kid with a woman who turned out to be a class A flake. He has an obligation and a responsibility to care for his son. You don't. But, you can't force him to give up his obligation... so you would be better off finding someone without this obligation.
I know he didn't have the kid full time at first, but at any point this can happen due to situations like yours.. death of other spouse etc... So, if you don't want the "stress that goes along with them now".. this man is not right for you. You can't force his ex to be WELL or to take her obligation on.
Now, you don't have to put up with his child being disrespectful. You don't have to take care of the kid... but if your SO expects you to.. then you have what so many others have a SO problem.
At one time I felt about my
At one time I felt about my skid, the way you feel about yours. Know what I did? I did NOT move in with DH for years when skid was little. DH was non-custodial also and only had EOWE, but I knew there was also a chance that BM could flake and send SS to DH. And she did. When SS was 15ish.
Even if your DH gets the kid back to her, you have to know that this will happen over and over through the years. This BM is a flake. She will not magically become an upstanding mother any time soon. So just know that this will be your life for the next 14 years if you stay.
You need to leave asap. The child will feel your hatred of him and that will mess him up more than he is already messed up. You don’t have to break up with your SO, just move out from being with the child.
And PS…moving in a sick parent is TOTALLY different than moving in your 4 year old child.
Your story is case in point
Your story is case in point of why people need to think more BEFORE they start up with someone who has a kid. ESPECIALLY if they don't care for said kid. Because at any time, that kid could go from EOWE to UYA (Up Yo Ass) 24/7 and there is really not a lot you can do about it other than cash in your chips and get out.
Skids were 8 and 9 when I met DH and they lived with their mothers. DH got them EOWE, or so. It was actually kind of willy nilly because there was no custody agreement, so sometimes it would be a night during the week and not on the weekend etc. I got along with skids fine at first, but after I had our BS8, things changed, not sure if they were jealous of him, if BM's had finally gotten to them, or if maybe they were just getting to the ages where they were hormonal and bratty? (10 and 11) 6 months after we moved into our new house, SD (who was 14) at the time, decided she wanted to move in with us. Guess how I found out? I was coming up from the barn after meeting the blacksmith one morning, and DH said "Guess what? SD wants to move in with us and I'm leaving in a few minutes to go get her!" I started bawling. Never had it crossed my mind that we would have a skid full time! Guess I just naively assumed that things would always remain status quo. I was very WRONG. SD lived with us for 2 years and I honestly have no idea how our marriage survived. It was not pretty at all. I disengaged to save my sanity, but DH took offense to that. SD was a shit head, who lied and stole, and cheated and manipulated and I hated every second that she was in my home, but had to put on smiley face, because DH would get pissed if I didn't act happy to have her there. It was pure hell. I stayed only because we had a child together and there was also an end in sight as SD was 16.
Your SS is FOUR. Your SO doesn't really have the choice not to parent him, if BM has abandoned him. That means you have at LEAST 14 more years of a living arrangement that you already don't like. Is ANY man really worth that?
A lot of us are in
A lot of us are in relationships where SK are EOWN. And we are ok with dealing with them four days a month.
Even if you don’t like kids, it’s four days and maybe you will do fun thing one or two days.
That is totally different then 23/7 where you don’t have a minute of alone time for your self’s
You did not sign up for 24/7. Your SO changed relationship not you !
Yes, you have a choice that going to effect you. Either find a way to leave, or fine a way to stay.
If GF in unbalanced, and kid is delayed, it not going to be fun living with this kid. This kid will never be right,
If you don’t like kids then you have to leave
"His son was a big fat
"His son was a big fat mistake with a women he had only known for a month and was way, way to young to be having a kid. SO said he would support whatever decision she made and she selfishly choose to go ahead with the pregnancy and keep the Skid."
-This bothers me. Regardless of HOW the child was conceived. BOTH were consenting. A pregnancy happened. That's one of the likely outcomes of getting sexual, regardless of age. Since they both MADE THE CHOICE to have sex, why is it selfish to keep the child that was created based off a decision that they made freely?
"really the truth is, she doesn't know how to be a parent, doesn't like the fact the Skid is now 4 and has challenging behavior and doesn't want to be a mum anymore at 21 because basically it sucks. She is now ignoring all attempts to contact her and has not asked to see or even speak to Skid."
-This happens sometimes. Happened to my Skids, guess what? They haven't seen or heard from her since Christmas. Not a phone call, ZERO contact. ZILCH. NADA. Just BM had SD9 younger than yours did and didn't care form the start.
"I said to him the other day "How would you like it if I said my mum was ill and was moving in with us and we have to pay for all her care" He didn't really have an answer to that but it is totally the same situation."
-Ummm... this is actually NOT the same situation... Your SO created this kid, regardless of the circumstances. A kid is a helpless growing thing that literally doesn't know left from right half the time. They don't have the skills to grow, there aren't homes to put a child in to help them age. A child needs to be parented to become a productive adult. You sit here saying BM was selfish to keep the child. But how fricking selfish are you being comparing a child to a sickly elder?
I get it, you never wanted kids. Neither did I. FORTUNATELY I love my skids, but that doesn't mean that I wanted kids, that doesn't mean I don't struggle some days wanting to JUST have my husband around. Or getting frustrated with the lack of personal space (I literally live in a family room right now). But when you're with someone that has kids. You have to accept EVERY aspect of their life. And the reality is, if he has kids there may be a time they're with you. We have them full time because BM is psychotic and a drug addict who has no interest in parenting. But the why doesn't matter. These kids don't pick their parents or the situation any more than you picked your SO having a kid. I'm not saying you have to mother this kid, in fact your SO should be the one taking the responsibility for the kid. This kid has been abandoned by an uncaring mother. His dad is all he has. And you're seriously going to complain that your SO has enough responsibility to care for his own? That speaks HEAPS about his character. So long story short. If you don't like the fact he has a kid, and it's really going to kill everything for you, then your SO isn't the one for you. Time to find someone who fits YOUR lifestyle. Because this is your life. But the kid is going to be with your SO, that's the reality. That's 14(+) years he'll be around, from the sounds of it, full time. That's a decision you'll have to make. Either you stay in the relationship and accept the reality of the child being there, OR you leave the relationship and find someone without kids.
I think it is incredibly
I think it is incredibly selfish to keep a child from an unplanned pregnancy due to a casual hookup. Why? Because she obviously wasn't thinking of the child, and now it looks likely that she will abandon the child. THAT is why it was a selfish mistake.
Why is caring for his kid any less "selfless" than caring for a parent? You are obligated (by law if nothing else) to care for your own child. It is far less "selfish" to care for an ailing parent.
You are seriously calling the OP selfish because she doesn't want to deal with the fallout of an incredibly, ACTUALLY selfish mother? Wow.
Thanks beebeel, Like I said
Thanks beebeel,
Like I said OS would have supported any decision, she CHOSE to keep the kid, not OS, not me, not santa, no one else. Even if you do not agree with abortion, adoption could have been an option. I am not saying my OS was right for having unprotected sex, he kicks himself about it everyday but she is now dumping everyone else with her problems and not even her family is willing to help it is all on my OS and his family
I won't deny reality like
I won't deny reality like some do: it is 100 percent the woman's choice in these situations. It's not your fault this kid has a shit mother and you aren't selfish for not wishing to replace her. If so, everyone who doesn't adopt unwanted children with developmental and behavioral problems stemming from shit parents is a selfish a-hole.
Oh no, I agree completely.
Oh no, I agree completely. Adoption could have been an option. It's just a little to late to fix is all. Your SO said he'd support any decision, because of that, he gave her to greenlight to decide to keep it and that he'd help too... Which sucks (I wish all the time DH hadn't had kids... Which is sad, I love the girls and all... But it's a lot of added s*** to life) but done is done.
We're similar in some sets which is why I'm being moody I think... LOL...
BM ditched the girls, she got pregnant (on purpose, wanted military benefits... DH was about to head to bootcamp...) at 16. And she's NEVER wanted the responsibility, more of just the bragging "I'm such an awesome mom" rights. If that makes sense. So 7 months ago, she dropped them, called it a day said she basically had stuff to do and that was that. She's pregnant again with the druggie's child... (did it on purpose because he doesn't believe in marriage... She's not taking care of the two she has... She def shouldn't have another) So I totally get looking at these people and wondering how they were even allowed to procreate. Honestly we doubt she's coming back for the girls ever, and at this point we're looking to get legal custody so she can't just take them and pull the crap she does on a whim.
BM's family really doesn't help as far as child rearing goes. That's on us and DH's family (mine has offered to help, but 2500 miles away isn't exactly close enough). So I totally get that too. It gets frustrating when NO ONE over there wants much to do with the girls except their bragging rights and maybe the SUPER occasional short visit with them. But that's not the kid's fault either...
I remember when everything first started to happen (and sometimes still) I was SO ANGRY. Because it wasn't fair, I never wanted kids, how the heck did I land my life as a full time parent to two kids I didn't even spawn??? What about alone time with my DH??? It took a LOT of self-evaluating... I decided I could handle it, I love the skids, and that's just part of who DH is. If you don't want kids and can't handle it, then you really deserve a situation for your life that's better for you, whether that's just not living with your SO for now, or if that's completely moving on in life. Part of the evaluation was just that. "well he had kids, it was always a possibility that the girls could get dumped because BM sucks as a person." I had to come to peace with that, and things are MUCH better. This whole thing is just you deciding what you do and do not want in life and putting yourself somewhere in that situation. Your So has a kid, which because your BM is psycho too, I'd say he's probably not going anywhere, and if he does it'll be for short periods. It was less an attack than it might have read, a lot of emotions in there. LOL. Just evaluate and get out if you don't want that life. It'll be easier sooner rather than later if that's what you need.
It' OK probablyAlready, it is
It' OK probablyAlready, it is an emotional situation and I know everyone here has faced their own issues and now you have expanded your story I can see where you coming from
The point I was making about the parent is I am being forced in my own home to live with someone I don't want to, I could of said I was going to move a python in (OS hates snakes) what I was trying to get at is I feel I no choice or say in any of this and I am just expected to give up my new place which I have only lived in for 2 months, break my lease (which I may not even be able to do legally it would be at the discretion of my landlady) try and find a new place to live that I can afford and still travel/work in London which is extremely expensive. Leave my OS destitute with a flat to pay for and then get sued for the rent (I work in the law I know you can)
I am not saying I can't handle it but it is all hollow, I just don't care about the kid, I have no interest....I am 100% not maternal
I know some really good
I know some really good pythons if you need a hookup... LOL
I understand. My lack of maternal instinct means some days I just need a break. Yesterday instead of coming home from work I went and ran away from home. I NEEDED the space. I love the Skids... I'm parenting and I'm doin g alright. But I need breaks.
Maybe look and see if you can end your lease? You and SO could live separately for a bit while this mess gets figured out. Then if you do try and move back in together it can be on your terms and by your choice instead of just the sudden chaos.
I said it below I think. You need a kid free space. Can you and your So make your room a "no skids allowed" space? That might help if you have somewhere you can get to when you feel overwhelmed (that's if you two stay living together of course!)
I'm sorry if it came off a bit crazy, lol. I understand this is a rough one! Feel free to message me if you need to! I don't know tons! But I know some things from the chaos I've experienced!
Unfortunately it is nothing
Unfortunately it is nothing like you bringing a snake home against his wishes. It is perhaps a bit more like you telling him you have to take in a sick parent.. but even then, it's really more a moral obligation you have to your parent... he has a legal obligation to care for his child.
This is his child. Said child existed before you even met him. When someone has a child, there is absolutely a chance that at some point they will become the primary/only custodial parent of that child. At minimum, they will likely have shared custody.
It's unfortunate that his EX has become unreliable as a primary caregiver to the boy. Maybe she will improve? Maybe she will kill herself and there will be no going back from that. (you said she was having mental/suicidal issues).
This means that this man your live with currently has to take his son in and take care of him.... with no breaks. You can choose to stay with him while he does this... or you can choose to leave.
You don't have to take care of the boy yourself.... but your boyfriend does have this obligation that includes financial and time and attention factors. If you don't think you can handle this.. then do everyone a favor and bow out gracefully instead of making everyone's life miserable (including your own).
Now, don't get me wrong. Did it ever aggravate me that sometimes things I wanted to do with my husband had to be adjusted because he had kids? Did I resent the money leaving our household for child support.. yeah.. those things weren't fun but he had that obligation and I am not going to resent innocent children for something they really had no say in setting up.
Not the way it was intended
Not the way it was intended at all beebeel. There are other options. She kept the kid, adoption is an option if you really don't want the kid, but don't want to terminate the pregnancy. But at the time, she may have thought she could handle it and really wanted the kid. That part of everything is done. She chose to live with the consequences of her actions, and then she decided to literally f*** that up and abandon a child that didn't pick it any more than OP did. Abandoning the child was the selfish action in my eyes as far as BM goes.
The kid and parent aren't different in the selfless aspect. I'm not saying that's the reasoning there at all. I would call both more selfless acts. What I was saying there is that caring for the kid is legally obligated, they don't have homes you can just send a kid to grow up. Where as they do have nursing homes for elders that are aging and might need the extra help. One is a legal obligation, the other isn't. It's that simple. Welcoming an aging parent into the home is entirely on the situation of the couple welcoming them in, whether it's financial or space, or if with their work they won't have the time to give the parent the care they need. Whereas with the kid, there's not really somewhere you can just send them.
There's a reality to being with someone with kids. The kid may end up with you. No one likes to deal with the fallout of a psycho, myself included. But when your So/Dh stuck it in crazy, that became a possibility. What's selfish is her being pissed at her SO because she loves "all of him." But part of his is the responsibility to a kid he helped create. So yes, that part is selfish. Staying in a relationship and what? expecting the kid to magically vanish? If she doesn't want kids, she needs to get out. No one wants to deal with the fallout. But that's the reality of the situation she's in.
Where does she say she is
Where does she say she is pissed at her SO? She is reevaluating whether this is the relationship for her. She is being smart. It is completely uneccesaary for you to call her selfish and make her second guess her own feelings. Just because you are fine with raising kids from an absentee mother doesn't mean everyone who isn't is selfish.
Thanks again beebeel, in no
Thanks again beebeel, in no way am I pissed at my OS about this, he did noting to cause her to be a like this. I am pissed that he got her pregnant in the first place but I am more pissed at her for having a child and then not being willing to raise it and deal with all the BS that comes along with it.
I didn't read it as an
I didn't read it as an evaluation. THAT I approve of. Hardcore. She can second guess those, in fact that's preferred for everyone to remove resentment. I remember having to evaluate everything and decide if I could actually handle it... My older sis and I at one point were looking at exit plans because I felt overwhelmed, I had two friends willing to chip in for plane tickets and then i'd be living with my sis until I got back on my feet. It took calming down and evaluating to decide I could handle it (Also DH working with me).
Also I am fine with it. And I don't judge people that aren't. If my Skids were little demons I doubt I'd be fine with it. NOt raising the Skids isn't selfish, I even pointed out her SO should be the one taking point. She just can't be pissed off at the kid just for existing. (which is a hard one, there are times I want to scream)
Also OP, consider a Skids free area in the house. Like your own place to recharge (if you stay). I don't have a point in the house so I actually have a clearing in the woods I go to with my dogs... But that helps HEAPS. No one but me goes there, the skids have ZERO clue where it even is, and it helps me distress and breathe (also the gym and a punching bag do some wonders...)
It’s not easy. My husbands ex
It’s not easy. My husbands ex is crazy...stub people crazy....so he need up,with his child full time for the last eight years. It’s been very hard. And I’m a very maternal woman who loves her two children dearly. And I still struggle with living with his child full time. She gets into ALOT of trouble.
She will be graduating in 2019. I’m so happy.
But you have a minimum of 14 years of potential living with the child full time. So unless your boyfriend puts his child up for adoption, you just really need to think of the slides situation you want to be in.
If he keeps his child, then he does have an obligation to do the very best he can by that child.