My stepson refuses to say my name aloud
OK, it's been ages since I've been here. I know I don't have it as bad as some but I realize that I have been putting up with being treated like wallpaper for too long.
Talked to DH and he is agreeable as of a few days ago that it is unacceptable for his son to refuse to say my name aloud. We pushed this issue a short while ago and right now stepson is upstairs in purgatory. So how do we enforce this?
He won't say why he refuses to say my name except to say "It's weird." So folks, now what? He admitted to me a little over a year ago, back when he actually DID say my name aloud that BM told him that he should IGNORE me but that he thought that was sorta impossible. So it seems likely that BM is influencing him negatively which is technically a violation of a legal agreement she signed. DH has decided at this point not to confront her.
Sorry to be so long winded, really, I could go on and on, but I REFUSE to be BLATANTLY treated like a stranger in my own home.
(I am reposting from a forum topic because this is burning me up right now and it doesn't seem to be showing up on the homepage)
HELP!
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How old is your SS?
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
What?
What does he call you then?
No, this is totally disrespectful and has to be nipped in the bud. You deserve to at least be addressed by your name not "hey you" or "dad's wife"
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
Gobbism
I would try to deal with this directly with DH and SS. The thing is, SS has to be taught that this is unacceptable behavior, whether it be you, a teacher at school, or someone that SS grows up and works with.
I don't know how it comes out, but the next time it happens, if it were me, I'd ask him and say... You don't want to say my name, so what should I call you? I guess I don't have to say your name either!!
It's SUPER IMPORTANT that DH backs you up when this happens and that DH IS IN THE ROOM when this happens. This doesn't have to be done mean-spirited either, you know. You could make a big joke out of it... to help alleviate the pressure, but get the point across.. Like Hmm... I'm not going to call you xxx and I don't want to say "Hey You"... so maybe... maybe I'll just start calling you Engelbert!! Be sure to tell your friends if they call here they have to ask for Engelbert or I won't know who the call is for!! Try to put SS in your position. If you can let him see how ridiculous it is, he may come around.
And if BM finds out about it and gets pissed. Oh well, too bad, so sad she shouldn't have taught him to disrespect people that way. Let BM cry about it to DH. That gives him the opening to let her have it.
This will only work is you have DH support when it happens and it happens in front of HIM.
Just a thought! Good luck!
he's 14
DH is with me on this. SS used to say my name but stopped a few months ago, I'm not exactly sure when. You know how it is when something slips in with other issues.
He actually said it's wrong for me to say HIS name, but in saying it he seemed more shy and withdrawn rather than mean. I am pretty certain this is coming from BM and suggested that DH ask her about this but he hasn't. I suppose that trying 1st without confronting her to correct this is OK if it works. We don't really feel like interacting with her.
If she did influence him this way I believe it is a violation of a legal document she signed to not encourage a negative environment.
DH was there and said "JUST SAY HER NAME."
Oh, and SS was getting counseling a while back but that stopped, perhaps when this started. I really think the one most in need of counseling is BM.
My Ex husband . . .
did this little trick. He would not call me by my name. After we had kids, he always called me "Momma." And he flat out refused to call my parents by their names. He didn't refer to them as anything. He would talk to them, but he would never greet them by their name or a nickname. I did some research on this, and it is a way to dehumanize and degrade someone. It is a sociopathic tendancy. I'm not saying that your SS is a sociopath, but my ex-husband sure is. Out of all the traits of a sociopath, he fulfilled almost all of them. Anyway, it's a way to make someone feel less than what they're worth and it's a way to "put someone in their place" so to speak. It's very disrespectful. Rather than try to force the issue, try to find out why he refuses. More than likely, it's because of the negativity he's getting from his BM. Also, like gobbism said, it could be shyness.
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Gobbism
Well, I'm hoping that since your SS doesn't seem to like this position he is in, and he feels torn and embarrassed, then in my opinion, a more lighthearted non-confrontational approach would be the best way to go.
I do think that BM is in violation of the court order. But until DH is ready to confront her and threaten her with that, she won't do anything. I'd be concerned that BM would also "take it out on" SS ... you know what I mean? Make him feel worse for HER behavior? We have had this problem with SD over here and BM. BM will say or do something that has a negative effect on SD and for a while, when DH would confront her, the next thing you know BM is asking SD about it! DH finally told her to just cut it out and that it is against the divorce agreement!
Your SS sounds sweet and conflicted. I hope you and DH can resolve this without putting more pressure on him. If he feels bad doing it, then I think you still have hope!
He will eventually say my name aloud
I don't wanna be really mean about it but to be honest, from what I have seen and heard, BM is and has been very mean about various issues and perhaps it is time for DH and myself not to be so nice.
He can be very sweet. I honestly think the worst current influence on him right now is BM. She has a lot of anti-social paranoid attitudes, like she's pretty big on various conspiracy theories, not that that has any direct bearing on this but I hate it when SS shows signs of her negative influence.
I wish he could learn better from positive examples but in this case some pressure is necessary, hopefully not too much. Anyway, I will not tolerate being dehumanized by somebody who shares my roof 2 and a half days a week.
Thanks!
At some point he'll need something from you
and need to address you somehow. Just don't respond at all unless he addresses you by name. "Sorry [insert his name here], I don't know who you're talking to." Eventually he will learn that, despite BM's influence, he is allowed to assert some intelligent disobedience for his own sake.
The flip side of this is
and I have seen that many here have experienced this, is that he CONSTANTLY will address his father as if there is nobody else there even if he is talking about something that could be directed to everyone else there. This is most awkward of course when I am the only one else present but at least he is consistent with other people around. It also is very awkward and anti-social to other people present and I feel that if any thing he desperately NEEDS to learn social skills.
Right now he is hiding in his room. we'll see how brunch goes. I haven't seen him since last night.
I also am in the habit of saying hello "SS" how are you, to which he grunts out a barely audible response.
Thanks again!