Not crazy yet but... :(
Hi All! I am new here. New to blogging that is, I have been lurking for awhile. I have gotten to the point where all the thoughts in my head are so jumbled up I am completely overwhelmed. I need to vent & would also be interested to hear what others dealing with similar issues think of the situation I am in. I am sick of only hearing the same thing from my DH "I can't control her" & "I do it for my kids", both in regards to all the crap BM pulls! I want to thank everyone in advance for caring enough to read & I am open to any comments/suggestions (even if they reflect the same as my DH's).
OK- A little history: I have been w/ DH for 5yrs, married since April. I have children from my 1st marriage BD-11 & BS-9. I now have 3 SK's, SD's- 10,9&7. My DH & I knew each other prior to both of us being divorced, but were honestly only friends & had no bearing on either of our divorces. My ExH knows this & has not had any issues w/our relationship. BM is completely the opposite.. she still to this day harbors much resentment towards me& continually states that she has issues w/ DH marrying me. This has caused many problems. Thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship w/ all 3 SD's as she only is rude to me when they are not in the room, or by saying things to my DH in private. I just wonder if & when they will figure it out & dread how they will respond. BM has had a history of making things difficult for DH if they are not getting along. We (DH&I) worked shift work w/ rotating days & hours before so the custody & visitation agreement is not clearly spelled out in decree (BM does have primary placement). DH now has regular hrs & I am not working since we married. He is now able to see his children almost every other day, but as soon as she "snaps" & doesn't get what she wants she will be a complete bitch & make up excuses as to why he can't see the kids. She does not want me going to school functions & DH says he would like me to go but is afraid how she will act & how it will effect the kids if she can't handle it... so I don't go. Oh- the kids do ask me to go, which I could always make up a "work" excuse before but now I don't work. BM is jewish & every year DH goes to her house to celebrate the 1st & last night of Hanukkah as a family (I am not invited). BM works a PT job & once every couple mths has to work late so DH goes to her house & watches SD's until about 10:30ish (he says because she wants them at her house only on school nights, although they have stayed her a couple times when she if on a trip b4). I am suppose to be ok w/ this... I am not & have said so but he says it's for the kids??? BM is allowed to come into our house when dropping off/picking up kids but she has told DH I am not welcome in her house... ever. She had previously stated she did not even want me in the car when he picked up/dropped off kids but after much debate & that did happen, which she threw a fit but eventually got over it. So I am suppose to welcome her into my home but may not step foot in hers. Nice, huh??? There is MUCH more but this is getting too long.... sorry 
I have always been courteous to her when I see her... taking the higher road so to say. I just can't do it anymore!
Once in awhile she must drop off SD's when DH is gone. Each time she has left & either called or text DH in a "huff" saying I was rude to her, although when asked how she never can give an example. This happened again yesterday. DH was at work & she dropped off kids because she needed to go out b4 he could get home. DH asked & I said I could be home to get sk's. I got home 5mins b4 she was suppose to drop them off.... she was already waiting in the driveway. I got out of car w/ BK's, she got out of car, I said "Hi" and smiled right at her, she ignored me, said bye to kids & left. Anytime DH is there she comes to the door/ in the house, etc. She then proceeded to text DH a rude message. He called her & of course she's pissed because she says I was rude. He talks to her, she agrees that maybe it's just her still having issues w/ DH& my relationship, & then tells him she is sorry. This is what always happens... I am treated like crap & she lies then she tells DH she is sorry & they just act like it never happened.... over&over&over again! When I talk to DH about he first tries to avoid telling what she said, then says he can't control her & he has to get along with her for the kids! End of discussion.
Oh, one more thing.... Do any of you think it is weird that she asked to join DH & SK's on a visit to see his parents in Cali after she found out I could not go???? Who does that??? Then was surprised when my DH said NO! Which of course was another one of their convo's I would have never known about, except for I knew she would ask so I point blank asked him.
So..... thank you all for reading/listening. I don't think I'm crazy yet, but I fear I soon will be!
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Comments
I have one thing to say to
I have one thing to say to your DH. DUH!!!! Okay, if one of your children was doing something bad and acting out would you punish the child or would you reward them? No brainer right? You would punish. So, why is it that BM can act like a total bitch and DH rewards her?
He has to grow some balls and tell her where to stick it. If she stands in his way of seeing the skids then that needs to be explained to them. If the skids ask why you don't go to school functions you tell the truth! BM doesn't want you there and you are afraid that she will keep skids from DH is you go. They need to know the truth. BM is manipulating all of you; DH, you and skids!!!! I would have DH write a long e-mail and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable. It has to be documented in case you need to go in front of a judge later on. Otherwise she will continue this shit forever!!!
First off, WELCOME!!!! There
First off, WELCOME!!!!
There area few ways to look at this....
First, if they really are trying to get along for the kids, that's great! I would support the "niceness" as long as it didn't interfere with me. However, it sounds like she is having a hard time letting go. Have you tried talking with her yourself?
If you have and she is still acting this way, then there def need to be some boundaries in place. She should NOT be travelling with DH anywhere without YOUR consent, period! She also should NOT be in your home, for ANY reason.
My Dh ALWAYS said the same thing to me "I can't control her". That's very true, but also a cop-out. It's just an excuse for him to not have to confront her. My DH was always afraid of the consequences should he "buck" her system! However, if it gets that way, get the courts involved. I mean, really, no MAN should be afraid of an exwife. Well, that is unless she's packin heat or something. I really don't get the whole "do what she says" crap, I really don't.
Good luck and HUGS to you!
Ugh, I had this long, nice,
Ugh, I had this long, nice, really good, sophisticated reply typed out and my darn computer timed out on me! I worked really hard on it **pout**
Anyways, what I was going to say is that your DH is right, he can't control her, but what he can do is minimize the negative impact BM has on your lives together. There should be boundaries set, which clearly there are none in regards to BM, only boundaries placed on you by BM which DH is allowing. DH isn't doing the children any favors by giving into BM's every request, if anything, he's creating a bigger monster and only masking a problem that will soon be too big to control if he continues, if it's not already.
The skids are going to love their Mother regardless if you're attending their events or not, or regardless if BM comes inside your home or not during exchanges. This isn't going to scar the children forever.....what will scar them forever is the fact that DH is setting a bad example for them by sending the message that it's ok to walk over others and to be walked on, that manipulation is okay to get what you want, and that it's okay to disrespect YOU. This is going to show them that YOU are the problem in this, not their Mother, and soon they will become resentful for it. I'm sure DH would like to see his children as they get older right? I'm afraid that if he continues to handle BM the way he does, they aren't going to want to visit DH.
You can't control how DH handles BM, just like he can't control BM. He's going to have to realize this on his own, and insisting that he make the changes, may only make him stand even more firm in how he handles her already. I would suggest gently talking to him and letting him know that you completely empathize with doing this for the kids. Ask him if he would consider taking into consideration that he could be causing more harm than good for the skids, and explain the reasons that are listed above. Let him know that you care very much for the skids, and you would like for them to see that you were there for them as well. Explain that maybe you guys could take baby steps in breaking this pattern. Suggest that DH could meet BM at the door during exchanges and have the skids things ready when she gets there so that there is no waiting period. Or suggest that you attend one event for the skids to see how things go.
DH is the only one that can take the first step, BM isn't going to change this because this is what works for her to get what she wants.
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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses! I value what you all have to say... I actually started to cry tears of relief when I read all of your responses this morning. It is comforting to FINALLY have some support and be able to speak my mind, without the fear of being ridiculed or attacked.
Buttercup- I have used the reward vs. punishment theory in the past w/my DH.... He just doesn't get it. I could tell the SD's the truth about why I do not go to their events, but I know this would just become another fight which I will be accused of starting. I have at least to this point been able to say I have not initiated any of the drama... it is all BM! DH has written her emails & had long, drawn out talks w/ BM but there is never any progress. I feel he has just given up & left me to deal w/ all the bullshit on my own.
Sia- I have not tried talking to her myself yet... I am contemplating extending her an invite to sit down & talk over lunch. I spoke to my DH about it today. Both DH & I will be shocked if she actually says she will be open to this. I may sound paranoid but if this does happen I will be recording the conversation. Although I hope we could sit down & be civil, she has proven time & time again that she has a different agenda & there is no telling what she would try & lie about after the discussion. One of your comments had me laughing hysterically- Yes, it is horrible he is afraid of his ex-wife (and I do have sympathy for him) but the comment about her "packing heat" is too funny! He should be afraid of me! I was a PO prior to our marriage... I have more than enough heat to pack!!!
Oh- she definately does have issued letting go.. she has even stated this to DH. I think in an effort to try & make him feel sorry for her & to make him feel bad. I think all of us feel bad that our past marriages/relationships did not work out, whether one or both people were at fault, but there has to be a point were you let go or you only hurt you & your entire family. DH & I agree there will be no traveling together... he said no on his own because he knows how completely ridiculous that request was.
Middlemom- This is how I have been handling things to this point. I have been empathiziing(?) with him and gentling making suggestions. Sometimes we get somewhere, but most times not. He is scared to do anything that will piss her off. The thing is I want EVERYONE to get along. I end up getting frustrated because he will not admit what he is doing is enabling her to disrespect me in my own home. He refuses to not let her in & make her wait on the porch because this is the way things have been done thus far. You are completely correct.. things have already gotten to the point where they are too big to control. I agree with you, DH is the one who has to make the changes. BM is getting what she wants so why would she change??? I have pointed this out to him, along with the fact that research has shown this is not the healthiest way of dealing with things. He refuses to do anything else... so I fear BM will ruin my marriage if not now, eventually.
Thanks again All! I hope you all have a wonderful Holiday Season!
"No One Ever Said Life Is Fair!"- My Father