How to create a better relationship with my step sons who have a toxic BM
First time posting,
so I am 25, my boyfriend is 32. He has two boys, 3 and 7. We resently had a child of our own who is now 3 months old. We first started dating after he and his ex split up and the kids were 1 and 5. The BM was very angry as she thought that after a few months of their split he would get back together with her, but he started dating me. She decided since there was no custody arrangement she would keep the kids away as much as possible and fill their heads with lies. She would tell them your dad hates you, chooses not to see you, etc. she would also tell them not to listen to me and that I'm a bad person. Me and the boys had a really good relationship for quite awhile. Then I got pregnant. I wasn't able to be as playful and I started to find there troublesome behavior a little less endearing. Their BM doesn't set any rules at her house. After a loooooong legal process, we now have 50/50 custody of my SS' and my boyfriend and I decided to set rules in our house for the sake of having sanity, especially with a newborn. The rules are followed relatively well by the 7yo but the 3yo hates me for them.
The rules are:
no jumping on the couch
we try to eat our food, we don't take one bite and say all done so we can go play instead
when we throw tantrums we take a time out in our room
When we say mean things, we take a timeout.
The 3yo is so back and forth with me. Sometimes when I walk in the room he will tell me to go away and say mean things to me. Or he will just start crying. The only times I'm ever "mean" is when he isn't following the rules. I'll usually give him warnings and then I'll tell him he needs to go to his room. When he tells me no, I pick him up and put him on his bed and tell him to take a moment to calm down and then a couple minutes later I come back and tell him he needs to behave so he doesn't have to take timeouts. His dad does this with him too, but I'm the one he hates. Sometimes I wonder if BM is still trying to sabotage my relationship with him but I usually just assume it's kids being kids. Since having the baby, I find myself having a quick temper and not giving as much patience. When he tells me to go away I no longer try to correct that he should ask for time with dad. Now I tell him if he doesn't want to be around me he can spend time away from me in his room instead. Other times I'm not up for the drama and when the boys are over I spend my entire time in my room with the baby. I now feel so stressed when the boys come over all because I know the 3yo will hate me half the time! I try to have positive experiences with him and give him snacks and play with him but then in the next moment BOOM he takes one look at me and cries.
is there any advice for how to handle this? I try not to be the parent and let my bf do the disciplining, but sometimes he is playing with the 7yo who has had a rough time being caught in the middle by BM and I try to I let him to have all the time he can to repair his relationship with his kiddos.
TL;DR: SK and I once had a fun relationship, but with a change is custody and the addition of having my first kid I am trying to set boundaries. They have mostly been accepted by the 7yo but the 3yo now hates me and I don't know how to repair the relationship. Even with a full day of positive interactions, I am still met with tears at just the sight of me.
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Comments
I would let Dad do ALL the
I would let Dad do ALL the disciplining, even if that costs him some one on one time with the older SS. I'm sure the BM is poisoning the kids against you, but frankly, being the disciplinarian in the only house with rules might have the same impact on a 3 year old. You don't need to play a parental role - you can be like the fun aunt. I'm assuming your BF wanted 50/50 custody and you didn't push him to get it, so he should want to parent his kids.
FWIW, I have two SDs that I first met when they were 1 and 4. I've always had a good relationship with them, and I'm pretty much the main disciplinarian in our house, because my DH is horrible at it and I need well behaved kids in my house. (BM's house also has rules). So it is possible to discipline and still be liked, but I'm guessing with the BM you're dealing with, it would be best if you do not.
The best parenting advice
The best parenting advice here is simply that you're not a parent in their scenario and just let their dad do it. HE had 50/50, you have nothing. If BM doesn't support you as a parental figure there is no point. Whether or not that is toxic isn't even relevant sadly.
I'll also say three is very little. Too little fir comped motivations, it may be that a program like headstart could help a lot, when you say you've had a "quick temper" my honey immediate reaction was that no temper driven behavior is appropriate when parenting a three year old, and perhaps a better understanding of where they're at developmentally would help,
I have a 3 year old and I don
I have a 3 year old and I don't know she has the capability to hate someone consistently. 3 year olds are little people with BIG emotions. Please read up on 3 year old development to make sure your rules and expectations are appropriate for his age. I don't fight mine to sit at the table if she's not hungry. I don't believe they have the attention span to just sit there to wait for everyone one else to finish eating. I do let her go off to play. Sometimes she clears a plate, sometimes she doesn't touch it. Their appetite comes
This is locking up on me and
This is locking up on me and couldn't finish my post.
Their appetite comes and goes as they go through growth spurts. Mine goes through grazing phases too.
Softening your voice goes a long way with toddler/preschoolers. I didn't think I could do the sing songy talk til I had my own baby and it just came out naturally.
My mom refuses to soften the scowl on her face and soften her voice to be more welcoming to her granddaughter so she ends up with a granddaughter that is slow to warm up to her. My dad is all smiles and goofy so he gets a granddaughter that gleefully runs to him.
Thank you for the reply, for
Thank you for the reply, for the eating thing the issue is at his moms house he says he is full or tummy hurts and they say okay and then give him candy etc instead. So here we will make dinner and he will say all done and 5 mins later ask for candy or other snacks. We say he can have the rest of dinner and it's a fit. Even if it's a good he usually likes.
3 year olds
I was a very laid-back grandma. The first 2 GDs were close in age, so I often had them together. I only had 2 rules: 1) they had to have seatbelts on on the car and 2) they had to wash their hands after going to the bathroom. You would have thought I was running a prison camp the way they rebelled. Three-year olds......
I recommend a book on positive discipline
It will greatly help you with your own down the road too.
Instead of saying no jumping on the couch. You can say the couch is for sitting; jumping isn't safe. If you chose to jump I will help you off of it because it's my job to keep you safe.
Toddlers are fussy eaters. Get in what you can at meal times and don't take stress.
Praise wanted behavior. When child is sitting on the couch say I like how you are sitting and staying safe on the couch. Praise when eating well. I like how you are choosing to fill your body with healthy food.
When a very young child says mean things they are not mean. They are testing and trying. You can simply say that's not kind when you say (insert whatever). Sounds like you're upset because you can't have a cookie or whatever. Help the young child name / recognize their feelings.
I've worked with kids well over 20 years; ran a daycare ; and have a degree in early childhood education. If the father isn't on the same page with you it's hard as all hell. Good luck. Leave the heavy parenting to the bio parent. If the bio parent has lousy parenting and their child doesn't respect you refuse to care for said child alone until there is improvement.