Getting this off my chest.
I have been sick today. Think I'm coming down with a cold. I have been thinking a lot though and wanted to say what I want to say. I do not like my SS. I want to. I used to. I don't anymore. I am disgusted when I hear him talking. I despise going anywhere with him. I am embarrassed. I am scared of him since he goes into fits where he over-exaggerates and acts like I'm going to kill him. He sometimes will fling himself of the floor if I even get near him. He has lied about me to his grandparents, who I really feel they don't like me one bit.I feel like he is the wedge between the family and he loves the power he has so he's using it. He manipulates all the time. I have been confined to the house to since DH works all the time. I would love to be able to go somewhere this coming up Thursday but I don't have a way to. I seem to enjoy the fact that he gets in trouble at school. It seems to prove that I'm not the only one seeing what he's doing. I feel like I have all the joy sucked out of me since I have become the full time SM. I have known him for 6 years but the majority of that, DH was living with his parents, who were raising SS.I don't like the person I have become and I would like to change it, but it's really hard to when I don't have the manual on how to do this. It doesn't matter if I have one or not since it seems like DH changes it constantly and I can't keep up with what was okay yesterday is not okay today and vice versa. I really want it to work out. I don't want to walk out. I want to stay and figure this out.
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You sound like me...I am
You sound like me...I am doing the best I can to claim myself again, without regard to DH and SD17's plans. I announce when and where I will be going with BD7. If he/they want to go, fine. If not, then BD gets all of me. I don't get involved in DH's decisions about what SD17 does or where/with whom she goes. I contribute to conversations when they are including me. I will NEVER fight to get into a discussion with them. Ever again. I don't contribute advise or solace. If I am asked something directly, I will respond in kind. I will NEVER sink to SD17's level. I am so done with the lies, yelling at me that "you're craaazzzyyyyy and the most unstable person I have ever known."
Yeah? Whatever. Doesn't effect me. She's a frickin teenager. And, most likely, a normal one. Just doesn't help that I am not her mother.
I have come to the conclusion that she's all about HER, always, in everything. If that's the way she turns out as an adult, then it's her life. Her decision. She's been in control for a long time. The only one she has never been able to control is me. She knows it. I know it. C'est la vie.
I just will not allow SD17's behavior/attitude/beliefs cloud my ability to be ME with my own child. BD7 is the one who has missed out on the best of me. Because I have kept trying to fix the scarred relationship with SD for all these years. Seeing now that it doesn't really matter to SD, that's what I have come to.
I don't have my own child.
I don't have my own child. I'm actually scared to have one. If it's going to be like this with the SS I have, I don't think I can handle another. I feel alone in my own house. SS seems to know what to do to put me in a bad mood. It's like he aims for it. I went to the store only to come bac to see that for breakfast DH gave him a quarter of a bundt cake. Yes that much. Then DH wondered what I was so upset about. Fine! I'm going to do what I need to do. It's like I need to be single again.