It is almost like, as stressful as the fighting is, I would rather they DIDN'T get along... because then I don't have the feelings of "what if"... then I have to smack myself and remember what is best for SS. The kids are ultimately the ones that pay the price when BM and BF are not getting along. What I WOULD do if I were you, is tell BF that while you appreciate the efforts of getting along with BM to "keep the peace" your are somewhat offended and hurt by the intamitcy of the conversation. There are somethings that just should n ot be discussed. I think EVERYONE that is divorced with children, wonders how the kids would be turning out if the marriage was still in tact. But it is not really a conversation to have with the EX- especially if she is still having thoughts that they may end up back together. That is just giving her something to hand onto...
BM in my situation told BOTH of us in a recent conversation (lecturing her to get her act together or go back to court) that if we moved she would follow us... ummmm, HOLY STOCKER! When she gets mad at me she will call the house and ask to speak with her "husband", I just laugh and say, no you can't but you can speak with mine.
I think this is something you should discuss with BF and let him know how you would PREFER him to handle conversations when they get too personal with the EX and maybe even define WHAT too personal is.... After all, he is a MAN and they don't always have the best judgement on things of this nature.

Mellissa

I'm a little stumped on this one, to tell you the truth. Before they got all buddy-buddy, I would have suggested that he file the proper paperwork with the court to ask that they only communicate through the court. This cuts out conversations that are not about the kids, and keeps bm and bf from fighting over the phone. I hear a lot about step moms that feel like they don't fit in to the new family, and that aren't defended by their significant others. It is his responsibility to defend you ar your relationoship to the BM, but if he's unwilling to do that (such as the "inappropriate things"), then you need to think about if that is acceptable to you in a relationship, as this may be the real answer to your question.
Are you guys married? Do you have any kids with him? If not, tell him what you expect from him when dealing with his ex, especially in terms of defendng you. If he can't do it, then maybe you need to re-think your relationship. If you are married, or do have kids, then you will probably want to look into couseling or therapy for all of you to work through your problems and concerns. Mic and I are not in therapy (as of yet, anyway), but we do talk to our pastor. Many of the girls on here swear by it, and it really seems to help them. I guess sometimes it helps to have an unbiased third party involved to objectively show you how to communicate and solve problems. Just an after thought...many men brown nose because they think that it's the only way to see their kids, but if there is a custody arrangement/visitation order in place, it cannot be denied due to the fact that mom and dad aren't getting along. That's called contempt of court, and she could potentially get in a lot of trouble for that.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
donna

It is almost like, as stressful as the fighting is, I would rather they DIDN'T get along... because then I don't have the feelings of "what if"... then I have to smack myself and remember what is best for SS. The kids are ultimately the ones that pay the price when BM and BF are not getting along. What I WOULD do if I were you, is tell BF that while you appreciate the efforts of getting along with BM to "keep the peace" your are somewhat offended and hurt by the intamitcy of the conversation. There are somethings that just should n ot be discussed. I think EVERYONE that is divorced with children, wonders how the kids would be turning out if the marriage was still in tact. But it is not really a conversation to have with the EX- especially if she is still having thoughts that they may end up back together. That is just giving her something to hand onto...
BM in my situation told BOTH of us in a recent conversation (lecturing her to get her act together or go back to court) that if we moved she would follow us... ummmm, HOLY STOCKER! When she gets mad at me she will call the house and ask to speak with her "husband", I just laugh and say, no you can't but you can speak with mine.
I think this is something you should discuss with BF and let him know how you would PREFER him to handle conversations when they get too personal with the EX and maybe even define WHAT too personal is.... After all, he is a MAN and they don't always have the best judgement on things of this nature.

Mellissa

We are no longer together and I'm in a committed relationship with someone I love so there is no reason to be having this conversation as it is a waste of time since we aren't together and aren't going to be together.

I would have kicked my man in the shins if he had a conversation like that with his ex, all it is reminiscing about the past and that's just what it is the "past" if he feels a need to reminisce with his ex and talk about "what if" than he needs to do it without me.

to the ex...And it frustrates the heck out of me!!! Please, don't encourage her!

My question is for Daddy's girl...You can't be serious that the ex asks to speak with "her" husband? I can't even fathom it! I would JUST freak....Once I almost gave hubby the phone and said..Your wife is on the phone...and I was serious...It slipped. I couldn't beleive it...I hate when people slip up like that to me...when asking about his ex wife...They always say "wife" and I have to remind and correct them that I AM THE WIFE...Wonder why that is.

because I am on BOTH sides of the fence. I have a son whom has a stepmom and we have NEVER gotten along. She is extremely insecure to the point that if my ex and I have a conversation she is suddenly convinced that we are having sex.... my ex has to sneak around to talk with me.... he actually lies to his wife and stages fake arguments with me to take place in front of his wife because she does not want us to get along. He has told me that he knows that it is best for our son if we get along... but his wife is "crazy jealous" and will not allow it; therefore he is "forced" to lie to her.
You should know that I was 16 years old when my son was born, the "ex" I refer to was a boyfriend of 9 months... he and his wife have been together for the past 9 years, 3 of which they have been married.... I am now married, and there is absolutely nothing between my son's father and I.
I believe that my son's stepmom does not care about the interests of my son and that she is all consumed by jealously and spite.

On the flip side... I am a new step-mom. My husband was married to his ex (off and on) for 7 years. I agree with what you said Melissa... as much as I don't like my husband fighting with his ex, I don't like it even more when they are getting along. When they are getting along I find myself wondering why... is she trying to pull something? Am I getting the full story? ETC. It is extremely bizzare to wonder about the "what ifs" when I have made fun of my son's step-mom (behind her back of course), about how insecure and pathetic she is for wondering the same.

I think a lot of us have felt this way at one time or another. I am constantly telling me husband that I don't wish for him to fight his ex....it only adds stress to our lives. However, when she does cross the line I want him to defend our family or refuse to have those conversations with her. A lot of our problems are from his dislike for her...coming home and telling me bad things that fuel my fire but then he is sweet as anything to her. Who looks like the bad guy...ME!!!!

My best interests are with the kids. I believe that the parents need to show an united front for the kids...God knows we don't need any more secrewed up kids out there. My SD is such a wonderful little girl and to think that we could hurt her emotionally...I can't imagine and now it will affect my son if she was an angry little girl. All grown ups in this situation have done well to protect her.

Then there is the custoday issue...like they hold something over them. I guess they don't have faith in the system any more. Been down that road. My DH is a great dad and was only granted 26% of the custody originally...got it bumped to 37%...but wants what is his right 50%. He has to fight her and the system. Why didn't he get 50% in the beginning...who knows...she was a stay at home mom so she was granted more time even though she had the affair and left the home.

Try not to let these feelings into your mind or heart. It does so much damage. I am fighting them still. You can't control others...only ourselves. I had my husband read the postings here to see that I am not crazy and to give him a differnet prespective..he has made a counselling appt for himself to figure out why he can't deal with her in a honest manner and to show me the respect I deserve while he is speaking to her.

Good luck