Don't give up on him....happy mom! Imagine all the slights, hurts, confusion, anger, guilt and everything else a step family brings to us .... as adults...and the difficulty WE have sorting through it all. Then imagine for a second what a child with no power or say in what happens with his/her life ....goes through. Especially if they have nut job mothers....Messing up their head. Look what these X's do to us!!!! I see hubby's x in his daughters ALL THE TIME.....I struggle with that same as you do. I have to try to see the good instead of the bad. They are NOT her..they are their own people .... warts and all.. just like me.

They say..(whoever "they" are..so called experts)..that it takes 5-7 years for it to start to work..

It's got to be sooooooo hard for these children to sort out thier loyalties, especially if "MOMMY DEAREST" is poisoning them....it's got to be alot of pressure and anxiety and don't forget..these are just children!!!

I totally feel your frustration...I'm trying to work throught it myself.. (another call from oldest SD last night "IS MY DAD THERE!" ... that's all I get after 5+ years from her)

It didn't bother me....I was in a good mood...and you know what it didn't hurt my feelings that she didn't want to talk to me. She's not my kind of people....that's just the way it is!!!! I'm good with it.

It just make me feel sad for you & your family...when I here you say that.....

What if everytime you had a negative thought...about him..you immediately replaced it with a positive. Instead of looking for "mom's" traits...look for "dad's" traits... Make a list every day of 5 good things about him. (That's kind of an Oprah thing..5 things your thankful for...)

Try it...and see what happens..... it can't hurt ...right??!!

I just want you to be happy....everyone in a family deserves to be happy...

....and I don't know if you really can not think about him and move on.....I'm not sure that will work ....

i feel a lot of the same feelings with SS as well ( lucky for me i've been around since he was about a year and he's going to be 2 next month) it does make me sad to look at him at times. I see drama and stress alot of the time mostly because i know that this kid is more a chess piece for biomom to use. I try and not let it get to me to often and try and do things with him and just have fun with him.... start own on little things together that we do. It's pretty cool, i'll sing and play along with his toys or DVDs so when it comes on he looks for me and watches me sing and if i'm not he'll just sit there looking at me like "come on it's your part."

But in the end really it's knowing that he spends most of the time with biomom and she is just a bad person in every way possible and i feel more bad for SS because like lovin-life said... " imagine for a second what a child with no power or say in what happens with his/her life ...goes through. Especially if they have nut job mothers...Messing up their head". It sucks to have to give up on a kid because they are being taken advantage of by their own parent. Try and remember it's not SS on his own, it's biomom forcing her thoughts onto this poor kid and what kid wants to see their parent upset.

Do what makes you feel good about yourself, because if your not happy whats the point.

If asked the first word that comes to mind regarding the stepson and issues with his mother....... indifference. I know it sounds horrible. We've just gone thru so much crap it came to a point that I was tried of the ups and downs. And a some point, although I don't exactly know when-I just became numb. I am nice to my stepson and we have a freidnly relationship but I really just focus on my husband and our child together. I'm not sure its the best way but it works for me.

Just a question for other stepparents out their....whats the first word that comes to your mind?

I think that is a good survival strategy...indifference means less intense emotional roller coasters. If that works for now....great! That may change with time and circumstances!

I'm seeing that/questioning that now. By all accounts "x" is a real bitch...has been for years. I also think she has mental health issues in all honesty..I'm not saying that to be mean. But I've heard hubby go on about what SHE did...what SHE said....how SHE was.. (And some of the things she has said & done..are unbeleivable..she is mean & vengeful..etc...no doubt about it)

But I've heard very little if anything about what HE did.within the marriage and after being in a relationship with him for 5 + years..I can see that he is no saint...and has issues as well..(as do I)..

So controversial or not.....I do have to agree with the..'It takes two to tango" approach....to things..it makes sense.

Still....Doesn't mean we have to like the X's though...(and I still think she is evil) ...lol

but I understand what your saying....

I don't really have a single word that comes to mind.
With X..nothing..she's pretty much a non-issue ..we have no contact or dealings with her anymore. I don't like the occasional times I have to be around her..but she rattles me less & less..she's nothing to me.

Oldest SD..indifference..comes to mind as well..I would prefer she made an effort to include me..but if not...I hope she has a nice life..she lives far away..so it's a distant relationship anyway. I'm not putting any effort into it anymore..so it doesn't hit so close to me..anymore. I'm more at peace with it..because my heart isn't into it..and my feelings aren't getting hurt..anymore.

Youngest SD..I'm not sure...it triggers an entire list of words simutaniously.....I still have alot to sort out... She is the one we have the most contact with..who shares my children's life, my hubby's life on a regular basis. I would like to operate more like a real family with this child...and I haven't given up yet..still haven't figured out how to do it....

Happy Mom,

A lot of what you are feeling, I feel too. I wish I had the answers. I mean, how do you bond with someone that doesn't seem to want to bond with you?

I guess I would say do what is best for you right now.

To me a lot of it comes from the fact that I don’t believe either of them ever really got to know my husband, one b/c they were just a “fling” and the other…I’m not sure why, I know they worked opposite schedules and they both were wild then, both very materialistic, like to go out a lot and their relationship, for the most part, appears to have been based on each of them having the other on their arm to “flaunt” at the night clubs, bars, etc, etc….but not much communication in the home…I get that from what I’ve been told by him and her as well as old letters she wrote him that I found and read (I know SHAME ON ME!) when we first got together…so…the problems they have now is b/c they don’t know each other…like she may tell him something and he may say “okay” and she takes that as “okay, I will do that” but in knowing him, I know when he says that to me it us usually “okay, I’m listening, I hear you” and so I will get “more” from him, like “well, what time do you wanna go” and he may say, “we’ll I haven’t decided IF I want to go or not, I’ll let you know…” so yes, they BOTH played a part in the demise of their relationship but in my opinion the biggest part either of them played was in not getting to know the other BEFORE having kids!

Make a GREAT Day!