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Bonding w/Stepson Not Going to Happen!

happy mom's picture

After 7 yrs of being w/my husband and stepson in my life...tonight was the night that I realize that I cannot or will not bond w/stepson. Not that I haven't tried at all, I've tried many times to talk to him, but I literally have to force myself to do so. I don't know what it is, is it because I resent him being in my life? I see his mother when I see his face and I just get sick to my stomach. Sometimes he acts like his mother, talks down to my daughter and that makes it worse. I never told my husband how I feel because it will just break his heart. I don't plan on telling him. I can't and won't force myself anymore to try and really bond w/this child. What do I do? I'm just living my life right now and not concerned about stepson at all. Enjoying my time spent w/my daughter and husband. I know that stepson probably feels the vibe but nothing for him to do about it. I just feel like when I see him I imagine all the bad stuff that his mother must tell him about us. I can tell because when I ask him questions I can sense that he is not telling me the truth or making things up to cover up something. Need you guys help on what to do or just move on w/my life and not think about stepson....???


lovin-life's picture

Don't give up on him....happy mom! Imagine all the slights, hurts, confusion, anger, guilt and everything else a step family brings to us .... as adults...and the difficulty WE have sorting through it all. Then imagine for a second what a child with no power or say in what happens with his/her life ....goes through. Especially if they have nut job mothers....Messing up their head. Look what these X's do to us!!!! I see hubby's x in his daughters ALL THE TIME.....I struggle with that same as you do. I have to try to see the good instead of the bad. They are NOT her..they are their own people .... warts and all.. just like me.

They say..(whoever "they" called experts)..that it takes 5-7 years for it to start to work..

It's got to be sooooooo hard for these children to sort out thier loyalties, especially if "MOMMY DEAREST" is poisoning's got to be alot of pressure and anxiety and don't forget..these are just children!!!

I totally feel your frustration...I'm trying to work throught it myself.. (another call from oldest SD last night "IS MY DAD THERE!" ... that's all I get after 5+ years from her)

It didn't bother me....I was in a good mood...and you know what it didn't hurt my feelings that she didn't want to talk to me. She's not my kind of people....that's just the way it is!!!! I'm good with it.

It just make me feel sad for you & your family...when I here you say that.....

What if everytime you had a negative thought...about immediately replaced it with a positive. Instead of looking for "mom's" traits...look for "dad's" traits... Make a list every day of 5 good things about him. (That's kind of an Oprah thing..5 things your thankful for...)

Try it...and see what happens..... it can't hurt ...right??!!

I just want you to be happy....everyone in a family deserves to be happy...

....and I don't know if you really can not think about him and move on.....I'm not sure that will work ....

happy mom's picture

Thanks for your comment..on the surface I'm really nice to this child (no matter what he thinks of me or what his mother feeds him about me). I will continue to be nice to this child but as far as getting close to him, I just can't do. I've tried but it's like I force myself too and I don't want to do that. So I guess for now I'll leave it at that. I have mixed emotions about how this child feels about me, I feel that he distance himself from me when he is at our house. That makes it more difficult for me to engage or be close to him. I've also tried to get along w/his mother, we do say Hi but that's it, she doesn't talk to me otherwise. She will however send emails to my husband and act all nice regarding son. We both don't trust her for a minute.

-happy mom

JustNix's picture

i feel a lot of the same feelings with SS as well ( lucky for me i've been around since he was about a year and he's going to be 2 next month) it does make me sad to look at him at times. I see drama and stress alot of the time mostly because i know that this kid is more a chess piece for biomom to use. I try and not let it get to me to often and try and do things with him and just have fun with him.... start own on little things together that we do. It's pretty cool, i'll sing and play along with his toys or DVDs so when it comes on he looks for me and watches me sing and if i'm not he'll just sit there looking at me like "come on it's your part."

But in the end really it's knowing that he spends most of the time with biomom and she is just a bad person in every way possible and i feel more bad for SS because like lovin-life said... " imagine for a second what a child with no power or say in what happens with his/her life ...goes through. Especially if they have nut job mothers...Messing up their head". It sucks to have to give up on a kid because they are being taken advantage of by their own parent. Try and remember it's not SS on his own, it's biomom forcing her thoughts onto this poor kid and what kid wants to see their parent upset.

Do what makes you feel good about yourself, because if your not happy whats the point.

happy mom's picture

Thanks. I now focus on making myself happy and that's it. I use to worry about other people but no more, it's all about me now and like you said "if your not happy whats the point." Well said.

-happy mom

skye22's picture

If asked the first word that comes to mind regarding the stepson and issues with his mother....... indifference. I know it sounds horrible. We've just gone thru so much crap it came to a point that I was tried of the ups and downs. And a some point, although I don't exactly know when-I just became numb. I am nice to my stepson and we have a freidnly relationship but I really just focus on my husband and our child together. I'm not sure its the best way but it works for me.

Just a question for other stepparents out their....whats the first word that comes to your mind?

Bobbi's picture

I guess I would have to say indifference. For instance, last night my BF said that he was going to take his daughter in on Saturday to get a haircut because he said her BM hasn’t taken her in to have one in three years. I said, “That’s nice." I couldn’t have cared less. I know that’s sad, but I’m just tired of the whole daughter thing right now.

skye22's picture

I find myself that way about pretty much everything, from the small things like haircuts to big things like family vacations. If he comes great, if not great. I think that for a very long time I tried so hard to make things a certain way. I wanted control over the situation, until I figured out "that this situation was controling me." It was very freeing to throw my hands up and say "I'm gonna be happy regardless!!!" Although I do feel guilty from time to time.

Bobbi's picture

I wanted control over the situation, until I figured out "that this situation was controling me." --

That is how I feel. I don't feel like I'm in control of my life's like BF, BF's daughter and ex-GF are calling all the shots and I'm just the dope stuck in the middle.

I have always been independent and felt like I had a good handle on my life. I knew what I wanted and I was more than willing to work my butt off for it. Now, I feel tired.

happy mom's picture

That is the 1st word I think of....not exactly using the same word but means the same. "he's just like his mother" Poor child, his mother is materialistic in every way.... child expects to get stuff from the store everytime we go. Mother spoils him all the time. Like who needs 10 school bags, 10 pairs of shoes, 100 t shirts for school, video games many of them, I can go on on and on.

-happy mom

Bobbi's picture

My BF's daughter left a message on our answering machine one day (this was when we still had our house phone) and I swear she sounded just like her mother.

She, of course, was yelling at my BF about something at the time, but it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I said under my breath "She sounds just like her Mother"

happy's picture

If thats what my ex husband thinks..
Cuz my daughter is a spitting image of me in all ways..
His GF I bet loves it.. LOL..

hopeful's picture

I think that is a good survival strategy...indifference means less intense emotional roller coasters. If that works for now....great! That may change with time and circumstances!

lovin-life's picture

I'm seeing that/questioning that now. By all accounts "x" is a real bitch...has been for years. I also think she has mental health issues in all honesty..I'm not saying that to be mean. But I've heard hubby go on about what SHE did...what SHE SHE was.. (And some of the things she has said & done..are unbeleivable..she is mean & doubt about it)

But I've heard very little if anything about what HE did.within the marriage and after being in a relationship with him for 5 + years..I can see that he is no saint...and has issues as well..(as do I)..

So controversial or not.....I do have to agree with the..'It takes two to tango" makes sense.

Still....Doesn't mean we have to like the X's though...(and I still think she is evil) Smile

but I understand what your saying....

lovin-life's picture

I don't really have a single word that comes to mind.
With X..nothing..she's pretty much a non-issue ..we have no contact or dealings with her anymore. I don't like the occasional times I have to be around her..but she rattles me less & less..she's nothing to me.

Oldest SD..indifference..comes to mind as well..I would prefer she made an effort to include me..but if not...I hope she has a nice life..she lives far it's a distant relationship anyway. I'm not putting any effort into it it doesn't hit so close to me..anymore. I'm more at peace with it..because my heart isn't into it..and my feelings aren't getting hurt..anymore.

Youngest SD..I'm not triggers an entire list of words simutaniously.....I still have alot to sort out... She is the one we have the most contact with..who shares my children's life, my hubby's life on a regular basis. I would like to operate more like a real family with this child...and I haven't given up yet..still haven't figured out how to do it.... Smile

Bobbi's picture

Happy Mom,

A lot of what you are feeling, I feel too. I wish I had the answers. I mean, how do you bond with someone that doesn't seem to want to bond with you?

I guess I would say do what is best for you right now.

happy mom's picture

I know it's pretty sad but with the circumstances I have no bad feelings about it. I can't make everyone happy, but I sure can make myself happy. I am truly nice to this kid on the surface but as far as getting closeness I can't at this time and don't know if it will ever be. That's all I have to offer for now. Thanks for listening.

-happy mom

Nise's picture

To me a lot of it comes from the fact that I don’t believe either of them ever really got to know my husband, one b/c they were just a “fling” and the other…I’m not sure why, I know they worked opposite schedules and they both were wild then, both very materialistic, like to go out a lot and their relationship, for the most part, appears to have been based on each of them having the other on their arm to “flaunt” at the night clubs, bars, etc, etc….but not much communication in the home…I get that from what I’ve been told by him and her as well as old letters she wrote him that I found and read (I know SHAME ON ME!) when we first got together…so…the problems they have now is b/c they don’t know each other…like she may tell him something and he may say “okay” and she takes that as “okay, I will do that” but in knowing him, I know when he says that to me it us usually “okay, I’m listening, I hear you” and so I will get “more” from him, like “well, what time do you wanna go” and he may say, “we’ll I haven’t decided IF I want to go or not, I’ll let you know…” so yes, they BOTH played a part in the demise of their relationship but in my opinion the biggest part either of them played was in not getting to know the other BEFORE having kids!

Make a GREAT Day!