I'm not sure I have an answer for you. For me, it was easier in the beginning when I was single and independent and we were just dating, and then in the middle when we were bonding it got horrible terrible awful. I cried and cried and was depressed for nearly two years. Since the ex has gotten engaged (and FINALLY dis-engaged from trying to be my BF's partner), and now he and I are married, it is a lot better. But sometimes the pain of having to live with her being part of my life (school, soccer, plays, birthdays etc. etc.) is overwhelming--I am jealous not because I think there is anything sexual or romantic between them, but because they will always have what I never had with him and can never have with him. They they were married in their early 20s, they bought their first house together, had both of their first children together, a son and then a daughter. Her parents are good kind people, sometimes misguided but people that he feels connected to. They live nearby and are one big happy family and he still wants to be part of that in some way, at least part of him does. There are things I can never share with him, and to me they feel like some of the most important things in life that I missed out on. This is too much about me, but I am trying to say that I feel it too, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with the feeling. And I want to do what's best for my skids, when I am feeling principled, and so try to suck it up, but sometimes I just want what I want. It hurts. Sometimes to cope I try to remember my past, and that I have been in love before and meant it, and what it would have been like if I had had children with this other person. And that people's hearts are bigger than just one way of thinking about a person, that feelings change -- I think about how I have felt about people I have loved, and how I feel about them now (which is NOT love, but something different), and try to put myself in my husband's place, and maybe that is how he feels about HER. It also really helps that when he's not being defensive, my BF gets it. Does your husband? I think it is important to accept that the jealousy and the angst over "this will never go away" is LEGITIMATE, and in my opinion, a feeling that we have to honor without guilt if we are ever going to make it as second wives and stepmoms.

Happy Mom, I know exactly how you feel. Just tonight on the way to pick up the sd, I could feel myself getting terribly irritable just knowing we had to interact with the biomom. One of the problems with her is she is extremely moody. One time we see her and she is fairly nice, the next time nasty as can be. I have had it with her mood swings. My bf says this is how it was in their marriage, never knowing what he was coming into when he went home every day. I have determined I will be civil but that's about it.

My bf and I talked about this tonight. I am so resentful of the fact we have to deal with this woman for many years to come, it makes me sick. I am reading that book recommended on this site "Happily Remarried" and it says we have to learn how to forgive - my bf for marrying such a dimwit and her for being such a thorn in our side - in order to be able to let go of the resentment, bitterness and anger. I realize all of this has to happen for us to be able to move on happily, but I am not there yet.

I have hope that over time things will improve because I love him dearly and this is the only issue in our relationship. Keep trying Happy Mom and keep a positive attitude. Believe me, I know it's hard, but we will persevere.