Guilt
DH tells me today that he talked to his kids and apologized for hurting them with his divorce. I've been reading up awhile on the daddy guilt because I've suspected it for awhile. He doesn't discipline at all. He's a total different person when the kids are here. He becomes a clown and everything is a joke. We can't be serious about anything because it might hurt their feelings. I can't ask for skids to pick up their mess because it's not my place. Well, you are getting it right? Anyway, we've been together for 5 years now and he's apologizing still for divorce hurt. Do I just take this as normal? We go above and beyond to make every activity, etc. sometimes we get like a 30 minute notice. I just wish I could figure out what to do and if this guilt will hurt our marriage. Yes, there are plenty of times it makes it harder for sure.
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Trust me, I haven't
Trust me, I haven't contributed to it at all. It's often an argument in our house. He doesn't feel rules or discipline is needed because his kids don't ever do anything wrong. When I confront him on these issues it becomes a knock down drag out fight. Just to hear him come out and tell me he felt the need to apologize today, well I don't even know.
I can relate to what you are
I can relate to what you are talking about. I can say that guilt parenting has built up some resentment on both sides, and it's hard to know how to put it down. My DH has admitted he feels guilty and doesn't give consequences. For a while he catered to bad behavior, although that has gotten better. Not long ago we were having an argument bc I decided to actually expect everyone to rinse their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. SD14 never would. He told me he talked to her about it but she said no bc it grossed her out. After I expressed my displeasure at him falling for that, he asked, well what's in it for her? lol. He finally started pushing the issue when I started leaving her dishes for him. Funny how that works. We are still having some struggles in this area, and I am finding certain things more sensitive for me as the kids get older. You would think it would get easier. I don't have the answer (yet) but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone!
Thank you! I do wish there
Thank you! I do wish there was a solution for us. My DH doesn't at all mind washing their dishes and picking up their trash. He would much rather do that then ask them to lift a finger. I'm just hoping I survive that long. Lol. Biting my tongue a lot!!! Even when I do tell them to wash their dish they don't. I can mention it to him and he thinks I shouldn't expect them to do it on "my time." Then when they don't do it, he says they forgot. Ugh. I guess the guilt never leaves.
I think you have hit the nail
I think you have hit the nail on the head here as to why so many Disney daddys behave as they do- it must be almost twenty years since my DH left his kids and although they were teenagers the hurt was the same. I don't know what sort of parent he was but I guess a pretty poor one. He hasn't changed at all and I applaud your DH for at least recognising his feelings- which so many of these men never admit to.
I challenged my DH on his attitudes in the past and it got me to a stage where he has disengaged from me. I haven't a cue where this is taking us- but I suspect he will die not having apologised to his kids, just as my ex thinks it was all my fault I suspect lots of men find it easier to blame the woman in their life, except the daughter's of course- nothing is ever their fault...
He is still apologizing for
He is still apologizing for the divorce hurt. Was he the one that broke up the marriage and that is why he can't stop apologizing? Even if he is then he needs to move on as this seems very damaging to your relationship and can't be good for the kids either. If he wasn't the 'guilty' party then what on earth is he doing this for? I bet BM is not doing that. I don't really believe in 'guilty/not guilty' even when there is an affair. There are often mitigating circumstances.
Have you sat down with him and calmly discussed what's going on? is he open to that? or he just wants to carry on behaving like a disney dad forever? If you have access to and funds for therapy and if he were willing then I think it might be helpfull for you. After all, he decided to move on and remarry yet he is ignoring your feelings completely.
So when is he going to
So when is he going to apologize to YOU for putting his children above your needs and dragging his old relationship through yours.
At some point, DH needs to get to the point where he can say. What happened in the past happened. I regret if it hurt you but I am not sorry that it happened and we all need to move forward.
My husband is this way as
My husband is this way as well and it affects our marriage. But, like some others have stated, my husband has always been like this. In the past, I attributed his behavior to daddy guilt as well. It took me a while to realize that his treating everything as a joke was not daddy guilt, but the way he dealt with any kind of stressful event that he didn't know how to handle. I didn't notice it early in the relationship because we were never stressed when it was the two of us. The stress came with his ex and his kids, so I attributed it to his guilt about the breakup of his first marriage.
DH also says dumb stuff all the time when he's trying to protect the kids' feelings. He doesn't think about what he says and when I get pissed and tell him, he does realize his actions are pretty idiotic, but by that time it's too late to take it back. This is an ongoing issue.