Advice needed: how to be supportive
Last I posted, BM had told DH SS11 wants to live with her. We doubt it will ever happen because, truth be known, she doesn't want him to live there full-time. So, things have been pretty quiet on that front.
The requests for ear-piercing started up again, which annoys DH, because he was pretty clear with BM that his answer for now is "no" and "we can revisit later when he's older." This time he spelled it out, that he doesn't think SS is mature enough or responsible enough to care for them. She suggested just explaining to him, to which DH pointed out: "I ask him to do things, he doesn't do them, then lies about it. We can talk to him, sure. But I'm not signing off on anything until I see signs of responsibility and a better attitude. And that's over a period of time. Not a couple of days."
Anyway, the underlying theme right now is that it gets more and more obvious he prefers his mom and her family. I get it. Over there, there's no competition for parental attention. He's also the only grandchild, so he's the center of attention for his grandparents and uncle as well. He's babied, spoiled and fussed over. Gets whatever he wants (except the pierced ear).
He's mostly fine over here. He likes to help me bake and we can talk about history and a couple of tv shows we both love. He's very chatty with his dad. But when he goes to BM's, communication stops. DH will text him about something and get no response. Yet when he's here, he's texting his mom's family multiple times a day.
Like I said, I get why he prefers it there. But DH is hurt by it. There's not a whole lot I can do but be supportive. Just wondering if others had been in this situation and how they handled it.
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My Take
And I'm sure you've talked about this before with him. It's not that they love/like their dad less. ANY kid(s) will want to be at the home that is least restrictive. Their brains cannot process that they truly need rules, direction, discipline, etc to mature into viable adults. They think that "freedom" to be and do "as is" is the best thing ever. And who wouldn't?
Tell DH...it's not about you...it's about them not having to follow rules. Trust me, I know. We had DH's youngest with us for a year in his junior year. He went from failing school to being an A-B student, requalified for our state tuition program (college) and zero missed days of school. Goest back to BM because we had too many rules (at 17, we couldn't stop it). MIssed 53 days of school and failed multiple classes to flunk out of his Senior year. My DH was hurt when he left and even more hurt with the end result but he finally recognized it was not his fault.
If your DH hasn't talked with his kid about the future, may be a good time to point out some stuff. Best to you. Rough road to travel.
Re -read your recent blogs
I understand your DH's position has been consistent.
But....so many young kids nowadays are questioning their identity. Ear piercings don't seem that harmful. It's like like SS is asking for surgery or hormones. Ear piercings are cosmetic. The holes will close over time, if SS changes their mind.
Honestly at this age you need to let them explore themselves. You're the ones that are making it a big deal (and therefore they will gender-rebel later).
So, honestly just let the poor kid get their ears pierced if they want. Lots of masculine guys do it too. Not sure why you guys are so opposite to this, but I guess his kid, his values.
Just makes me sad that this fight is over such a little thing, IMO.
This isn't about the ear
This isn't about the ear piercing. This is a long-standing thing of which the war is just a more recent piece.
We have no objection to ear piercing in and of itself. DH feels SS needs to demonstrate some degree of responsibility before being allowed to do it, that's all. It's not a "no. That's a girly thing and you can never do it." It's "show me you can do the things you're asked to do, stop lying about things, and you can do it."
OSD wanted her ears pierced
OSD wanted her ears pierced around age 12. I told DH 'no way in heck' would I agree to that. She wasn't bathing regularly, washing her face, brusing teeth, cleaning her room, DH had to "help" her with her laundry....wasn't doing anything at all in the way of hygiene. EFF NO. It wasn't about age or rules or anything other than if she cannot do the basics, then no special thing.
BM took her anyway of course. I told him he would have to do EVERYTHING here. He had to buy the alcohol and cotton swabs - NOT use the stuff from our bathroom. HE had to deal with it when they got infected, HE had to help her when she lost an earring.
I was having none of it.
OK
But ear piercings are a personal expression. That isn't what you can hold hostage to get the SK to do whatever behavior you want.
If SK wants a puppy, sure, with old that until they demonstrate responsible behavior.
If SK wants a playstation, or new curtains in their room, sure - withhold all that until they demonstrate responsible behavior.
Holding back personal expressions - like ear piercings - will only make you the bad guys. Sorry but true.
Let the kid get their ears pierced, no conditions. Then put other conditions on their behaviors.
Expression shouldnt be conditional, you are given ng BM ammo against you. IMO.
I disagree...
You know how much responsibility it is after you get your ears pierced. They have to be cleaned daily. I remember having to rotate them around the hole in my ear. Some kids don't have the sense of responsibility to do those simple things to care for their ears. So, I have to say I agree with the dad here. It's not about the self expression here. It's about being responsible. I let my daughter get her ears pierced when she was 8. I could've taken her before. I waited until she asked first, but I made sure she understood that she would be responsible for taking care of them. She took very good care of them. She's since let them grow back up, but now I know that she will take care of them if she wants them pierced again and I'll let her do it again. My opinion, SS should wait until he demonstrates responsibility. I'm sure his dad doesn't want to have to deal with an infection because SS didn't take care of his ears properly.
Part of parenting
Is to teach your child responsibility!!! Taking a shower, cleaning there room, doing chores around the home. Ear piercing is a want not a need. Show expression is a want not a need. SS must show he has the responsibility of doing his chores ,,, to get his want. Ear piercing.. He must be prepared to care for them before he get it.
It's the parents responsible to make the child wait until they demonstrate they are ready for it
My two middle daughters are 13 and 15 tomorrow
and I'm just now going to take them to get their ears pierced this week. I agree completely that you get a bad infection if you aren't taking care of your newly pierced ears and I too waited for signs of maturity and hygiene and cleanlieness before I agreed.
Like CajunMom said, this isn
Like CajunMom said, this isn't about not loving one parent, it is the path of least resistance.
My own kids rarely talk to me while with their dad. He is the fun parent. The 1 weekend a month parent. They don't have chores, school work, responsibility there. It's different and easy there. As it should be! He get's limited time with them and that should be happy and fun. I can't compete with that though. I am the real parent. The setting curfew, checking grades, teaching responsibility parent.
As for the piercing, I would let him get it. Let it get infected and hurt and have to take it out. #1 it will shut him up and #2 you can come up with an "I told you so" dance and perform it for them both!
Honestly.. I think it goes a
Honestly.. I think it goes a bit deeper than "no rules" with this kid. It is not just the ear piercing (which sounds like it happened anyway... I'm assuming healed by now?).
I get a feeling that what it may also boil down to is that the kid feels more "heard" by his mom. Maybe his dad has shown a negative reaction to his transgender inclinations.. whether they are "real" or "permanent".. it doesn't sound like his dad was very open to accepting this idea..
I'm not saying dad had to necessarily take him bra shopping.. but finding some resources to research and help him emotionally with the concept seems like it would have been a good approach.. but yeah.. any medical intervention.. of course should wait until the kid is much older (earring holes aside here).
I can also see someone who is leaning more feminine to maybe align with the female parent too.. the more nurturing type of person.
and all that being said.. just an 11 yo wanting to switch homes.. I really don't think it's a choice they should be given at that age.. it sounds like they had quality time with both families.. and I'm not sure I would agree to a change when it wasn't 'broken'.
But... your DH needs to understand that his child has two parents.. and preferring the "company" of one over the other.. doesn't necessarily mean a rejection of the other parent.. they can love both either way.
while it really seems like a choice of rejecting.. it seems that when the kid is with you.. things are generally fine.. even if they aren't always the most responsible (as many 11 yo's are not).
All your DH can do is love his child.. continue to have good boundaries and expectations...
You make some excellent
You make some excellent points. Thank you.
The transgender issue has become something of a non-issue. Basically, he's moved on to a fascination for anime/manga. Refers to himself as he. Is back to preferring traditional boy fashion.
He does share more with his mom and likely does feel she's more accepting. I think that's connected to the spoiling, to a degree. He asks for something, her auto answer is yes. H doesn't always give in right away and does expect SS to do chores, etc.
When SS announced he was trans, H asked questions (in a light, interested way, not a badgering way) and it went well. DH was also the one who reached out to therapists for suggestions and help.
Basically, I think there are multiple things going on. SS is spoiled and babied by BM, so he gravitated to that and he equates permissiveness with love and acceptance. So, he gravitated to her and goes to her first. H doesn't really have a chance because he's put in the position of either being the killjoy responsible one, or being the late one to the party because no one told him what was happening until halfway down the road.
(Snd SS does have earrings - clip-ons - that he can and does wear.)
DH's time for SS to spend time with DH. If SS is fixated on
texting BM and her clan, take his damned phone when he arrives and only return it in the car on his way back to BM.
End of most of the problem.
I agree with the no pierced ears until SS is responsible. Which means not until he turns 18 IMHO. Though he might learn somthing if he gets them pierced and his ears rot off of his head from his failing to keep them clean and properly cared for.