Graduation drama
So, SS11 is almost through with 5th grade, which means he has a graduation ceremony to celebrate the end of elementary school. Fine. I'm not a big fan of graduations but I was planning to go and got the time off (it's on a Monday morning). Turns out, he gets four guests. DH got a text from BM saying SS told her he wants her, DH and BM's parents there. She told him I needed to be one of the four and he started arguing so she just told him to talk to DH.
Now, DH is pissed. One, because she tends to do that. When SS argues back or gets upset, she deflects to DH so he can deal with it and he's tired of doing the heavy-lifting. The other because he felt like it should be two from his side, two from hers.
I told him I think it's SS's graduation, his choice who attends. He's closer to his grandparents. No big deal.
The bigger issue for DH, I think, is that he feels like he's being shoved out. SS is spoiled and coddled by BM and her family (before the divorce, they would laugh and fawn over SS even when he misbehaved, which drove DH nuts). She's constantly buying him stuff and taking him to trampoline parks and skating rinks. Naturally, he prefers it over there. We expect him to clean his room (which he lies about), help with dishes, we don't order takeout every day and we only buy stuff for Christmas and birthdays.
We're not fun. I'm more and more sure we're moving towards him saying he wants to be with her full-time. DH is about fed up with the lying, the attitude, the disrespect. I don't know how I feel. I struggle with liking SS. But it's not his fault he's spoiled and I think he has the potential to be a good kid. It's just the older he gets, the less we like being around him. DH is becoming more consistent and more focused with behavior and disciplined and, of course, SS is pulling farther away.
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Comments
Personally, I would be happy
Personally, I would be happy to avoid those kinds of ceremonies.. but I do kind of get that your DH feels he should get a 50/50 allocation of tickets. Now, on the good side.. it sounds like BM did advocate for your DH getting one for you too.. it is his son that is pushing for his grandparents to come too.. and in a way.. I kind of get that he may have more of an association with her parents vs you.. the "step".. but I guess his BM kind of wussed out and pushed the fight over to your DH..
I guess DH could call the school and see if there are any extra tickets so that everyone could be included.. or you could go and enjoy yourself that day!
Oh, I'm with you! I don't
Oh, I'm with you! I don't exactly enjoy these things but I felt like it was important I go and support (until the guest limit). And I appreciate BM speaking up for me. She and I have never had a problem (my issues with her spoiling and permissiveness aside). And I get SS wanting his grandparents instead of me as he's very close to them. I think for DH it's yet another sign that SS is more drawn to her family, which would be fine, except the primary reason seems to be they constantly buy him stuff, take him places, and treat him like everything he does is adorable. Understandable a kid would gravitate to that, but not necessarily good for him and his development as a functional, likable human.
Teaching to be a taker
All this teaches these children is how to be takers. How to be selfish. How to be unlikable narcissists.
I fear for the future of this kiddo, much like all the kiddos.
Exactly. I told DH I don't
Exactly. I told DH I don't think it was a calculated "mean" move on SS's part. He was just thinking solely of his wants. That's what he does. He rarely, if ever, gives thought or attention to anyone or anything that doesn't suit his own interests. Nor does he ever show gratitude for anything. Even when BM took him to Disney World, she reported he complained the entire time.
Well, he's not being taught to do anything else but think of himself and cry or complain when it isn't fully to his liking.
SS is 11. BM may be saying
SS is 11. BM may be saying that it's SS's choice, but I don't buy that for a minute. SS intuitively knows that BM wants him to value her parents above his dad, so he picks the grandparents. In a perfect world, a BM would say to SS that the tickets are to be split between both parents. In a perfect world BM would see DH as an equal parent. Saying that it's SS's choice is a cop out so that BM gets her way. She's setting DH up for a lifetime of lesser.
I agree partly. Except I
I agree partly. Except I totally buy that this came purely from SS without any overt or covert pressure. It fits his MO. And the tone of her message wasn't "it's his choice and he wants my parents." It was more a heads-up and a "you deal with him because I don't want to." I'm the only one who's suggested it's SS's choice. And I know all too well how much he values her parents. I've witnessed and heard enough about their relationship that, yeah, I can buy that he'd decide he wants them there on his own.
Does she see DH as an equal parent? If you asked her I think she'd say yes and think she meant it. Truth is, she takes advantage of him. She's never once volunteered to be a chaperone or help with anything at school. DH has, but she tends to see him and his work as less important than hers so, of course he'll handle things. Dad will always step in and help or talk to teachers/coaches. Mom is too busy. It's been going on since SS's birth. He's pretty much fed up with that.
i think she and her family sort of discount DH and some of that is rubbing off on SS.