Kids choose — insight from my therapist
This should probably have been obvious, but it kind of helped me to have it spelled out.
I share stuff about our SS frustrations with my therapist (I struggled with some things a few years ago and find monthly "maintenance") helpful. Last time, she said kids can and should adjust to different rules at different places. It shouldn't be something, particularly for a kid who's nearly 13, that's too much to ask.
But, kids will choose which ethics, morals, etc., they will adopt. And they'll almost invariably choose the value system that suits them best. In this case, it's BM and her family. They expect nothing of him. She doesn't think it's a big deal if he lies or slacks off in school. If he wants something, he gets it -- immediately. These are successful, highly educated people who didn't see a problem with SS nearly flunking several classes last year because he wasn't turning in assignments. This year is better, largely because he dropped down to regular classes and isn't being challenged. Naturally, he's going to latch onto their "value system."
Anyway, I realized this, I guess, but hadn't heard it laid out in that way.
SS12 and BM are at Disney World this week (the real one), but he's going to have a rude awakening when he gets home. DH told him before he left that DH was going to go through his clothes to pull out anything too small. DH also decided to clean the bathroom. I heard a cuss word -- very loud. DH found a mound of clothes (some clean, some not, stuffed in the cabinet under the sink). Clean v dirty and proper care of clothes have been ongoing struggles.
A bit later, another shout. DH pulled clothes out of a drawer and found candy wrappers, ice cream sandwich wrapper (I knew there was one missing) and three drink cans (one half-full).
Before he comes back next weekend, DH is texting BM to tell her no electronics are to come to our house. He will not buy anymore drinks (he's been buying them for him to take to school), no ice cream bars and the Halloween candy is going on our high shelf in our closet. The next weekend, SS will spend Saturday cleaning his room top to bottom.
Like I told DH, SS just doesn't care. He tried to hide stuff this time, but he was stupid about it. He obviously has it firmly entrenched that he can and will do whatever he wants.
I wish I could like this kid. I just don't.
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Yes, unfortunately, my SD
Yes, unfortunately, my SD (now 32) decided that what fit her best was to do nothing. I think that she is now starting to realize that she has just thrown her life away. It's not too late, DH tells her, but she is LAZY and will not do anything.
Everytime DH calls her and asks what she's doing, she says, "Cleaning." DH and I just laugh our asses off. We have been to several of her places of residences - the girl does NOT clean.
When she used to come for visitation, I would make sure her room was spotless. When she was leaving, DH made her clean up any mess that she made and vacuum. She just couldn't understand why she had to do that. Apparently, she still doesn't understand why one needs to clean.
I do think she wishes she would have followed a different path and listened to DH more (and learned from his work ethic) but she is just too lazy to do anything about it, now. Not to mention, that her BM does everything she can to keep her down, as she doesn't want her daughter to do or be better than her. Sad.
Barnyard Animals
I am convinced my SS9 is a barnyard animal. His BM must be one as well because SO is a clean freak. These parents set the bar so low it should be embarrassing. Basic life skills are not accomplishments, not sure why we are complimenting a 9y/o for using silverware at the dinner table now, but here we are. Today's society is lazy & entitled and it isn't getting better because the parents are the ones driving it. These split families are an absolute nightmare. If our BM would just exit the picture this kid could maybe have a chance at a normal life but as of now, it's slipping. She is about 10% involved & that is mostly to manipulate & mentally abuse him, break promises & create more anxiety for him. She's a real gem!
I'm kinda of going through this with my own DD16
She was in gifted and I sacrified a lot for her education. Now she is in highschool and is more worried about boys and her social life and right now has 5 F's. She has zero's and in easy classes like photojournalism. She simply isn't turning in her assignments. She has quit coming to my house completely. WE are supposed to have 50/50 custody. She stays at my ex husbands all the time now cause he's like your SS's BM. She is supposed to be spending all Thanksgiving break catching up on all of her missing assignments and he let her have a sleepover last night.
I'm supposed to pay for her hair appointment Friday. I've made it very clear I will cancel that appointment if those assignments aren't turned in. F's are not acceptable to me. I spent $800 for Mickey's Very Merry Xmas party on December 12th. Guess who won't be going if she isn't turning in her work? DD16! I won't be buying her a car or paying for car insurance either with those grades.
Good for you setting rules
Good for you setting rules and expectations!
It's frustrating. SS12 is a smart kid. Very concrete and not terribly imaginative, but smart. Last year he was faking sick to stay home. This only happened at our house once. The second time, DH had the nurse send him back to class. But it kept happening at BM's and she and her parents (who sometimes pick him up) weren't making him stay on top of assignments. Guess what? He fell behind. Then he had sobbing fits about how it was too hard, so they let him drop out of all his advanced classes. (I would have made him keep one or two.) DH went along because he was sick of pushing molasses uphill.
This could impact him later because it's not like it's easy to go back to advanced later if he needs to for college. BM and her parents are still making noises about moving him to private school for high school but the only one DH would even half consider is way more academically demanding than where he is. He's in seventh grade and, from the curriculum, that school's fifth and sixth graders are about on par with where he is now.
No forethought. Ever. Just keep Precious Prince happy.
BM actually told DH "As long as it's not an F, it's ok. Middle school doesn't count anyway."
This is a high-level insurance company attorney. Daughter of a librarian and the retired dean of a prestigious law school. And that's their attitude on education?
Middle school doesn't go on your permanent record for college, but it dictates what classes you can take im high school. Not to mention developing good skills and habits. What, in 9th grade a light will just click on and he says "oh, I need to apply myself and try to make good grades." Morons.
Exactly. Education builds on
Exactly. Education builds on itself. Particularly math, science and English. If he doesn't have a solid foundation, he will struggle in high school. If he struggles in HS, he will struggle in college. The only way to fix it is to go back and do double the work catching up (which I doubt he would ever have the motivation to do).
If DH keeps talking about the
If DH keeps talking about the need for good grades, there is still hope. It is still possible for things to turn around. I spent the middle school years with my youngest bio claiming -- "What does it matter? Whether you get a C or an A, you go to the next grade anyway."
Then sometime near the end of sophomore year, he had an epiphany and realized that the college he wanted to go to required better grades. Grades improved. He got into the college. Went to graduate school. And is successful in his profession.
Yes, there is time for things
Yes, there is time for things to change. I'm glad they did for your son!
Sorry to hear this, Nowire. I have followed your story for a
Sorry to hear this Nowire. I followed your story for a long time and know what you have gone through for all the girls, bio and step. Hopefully she comes to her senses soon.
I can give a few examples.
I can give a few examples. One which is not the easy way and one which is. My dad started out as an angry young man due to growing up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic father. My grandma was the complete opposite. Long story short, while he was on the road to being more like my grandfather, he turned his life around while he was still young and became like my grandmother and her side of the family. His three siblings also followed in my grandmother's footsteps.
My SS grew up with a liar of a BM. He came to live with me and my husband when he was 8. He was regularly disciplined and given consequences for lying. He knew lying was wrong. Yet he grew up to be a liar. He didn't completely follow in his mother's footsteps, but the lying is a problem. He married a woman who is a worse liar than he and his mother. She tells lies that pit people against each other. I have no use for liars. I cut those two out of my life and they are not allowed around my kids. I don't want them to be an influence on them. I fear that they would either turn my kids against us, mainly me, or they would tell lies to pit other family against my kids. Or maybe they would do both. I've seen a post on this very site where the skids turned their half-siblings against their stepmother, the half-siblings mother. Why take the chance?
Absolutely, parents enforce
Absolutely, parents enforce standards on minor children. What she was saying was that all we can do is teach, enforce and set the right standards and expectations. Ultimately, when he grows up, it's up to him which path he takes. He has no choice now as far as what is expected of him. But when he grows up, it's up to him. Unfortunately, often children will gravitate to the standards and life view that gives them what they want and expects little. Sometimes they turn that around, seeing the value in the "harder" view. But, often, they don't. Especially if there's enabling going on.
Always sad and frustrating to
Always sad and frustrating to see.
BM's family are all successful and well-educated. Except her brother. He has a great education, but no longer uses it. The man is nearly 50 and has spent the last 7 years bouncing from one minimum-wage job to another while his parents supplement.
BM's mom has money. But the way they spend (redoing their house every couple of years, shelling out money to their kids and grandson, taking them on first-class vacations), they may follow the principle of spending it rather than saving to pass on. DH says they were constantly short of money when he was connected. (BM's mom's parents have died since then and left her money.)
DH and I are fortunate in that we could also be looking to inherit a decent amount of money in the future. But we are not counting on that. Things happen. Our financial planning does not take inheritance into account at all. It's solely based on our earnings and investments. We both work hard and are careful to save and invest.
Also, our trust is set up where SS will only get a portion of our estate (animal-rescue charities are getting a chunk) and won't be able to access any of it until he's 55. We're planning on spending a lot of it, though, as we love traveling.
Maybe he'll be fine. Maybe he'll actually start applying himself and do well. Maybe he'll inherit enough he won't have to worry. But if those things don't pan out, he could end up with a rude awakening.
Yes they choose which path to
Yes they choose which path to follow.
DH encourages hard work, doing what's right, making good choices and fixing your mistakes.
BM encourages gaming the system, doing the bare minimum, lying to get what you want, and keeping up a fake facade to save face.
Guess which path Little Idiot is following?