How do you deal with RAGE??!
I've been in therapy for over a year now but my rage is still there. In fact it is getting worse.....I don't act on it or scream or yell but I feel it inside.
Most mornings when I open my eyes I am pissed. Pissed that the last 2 years I have been the sole caretaker of DH through leukemia and post transplant . Pissed that while my bios have missed out on many things with me due to devoting my time and energy to caring for their stepfather. I'm pissed that time has stolen from me with my bios due to nursing DH back to health, while his KIDS never missed a beat. Their lies haven't been interrupted in the least. I'm pissed that BM is constantly taking us back to court for more CS and which we have won every freaking time, we still have to pay an attorney and it is just stressful.
I'm pissed that I was married three fucking weeks before DH was dx with leukemia and it seems just out and out not right. I'm pissed I have paid the price, paid my dues, and yet I still get talked about horribly by his kids and BM.
I'm really pissed that they always go running around quoting the bible and claim they are big time Christians , while calling me a devil, satanist, and witch ( which by the way dumb asses, if you don't believe in God, you don't believe in the devil) So I'm an atheist , so freaking what???? There wonderful Christian beliefs didn't allow them to visit their dad one time when he was sick for 9 months and couldn't so much as go to the bathroom himself, it was ME the atheists bitch who cared for him, cleaned up his vomit and shit off the bed because his bowels stop working from all the chemo . It was me who took him back and forth from the hospital for over a year several times a week which was 45 min each way. It was me who financially supported him while he couldn't work and gave those loser skids money too.
I'm pissed because rather then drag me through the mud with their lies and hate , they should ALL be kissing my ass and putting me on a pedestal because not many human beings would be ok with being married 3 weeks and then spend the next years taking care of someone as if he was an 80 year old man!!!
All in all, I'm just pissed that this is what my life has amounted too. It just hurts and I hate it. I hate it for my bios who shouldn't have to live this way either......
I'm sorry , I know I have been totally inappropriate but I'm just tired of it all and wish it would go away.
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Comments
OMG...I can't imagine
OMG...I can't imagine enduring that, it HAS to be tough-it's no wonder you are full of rage, I think it's NORMAL and expected!
The caretaker of someone who is very ill always has it very tough as well as the one who is ill-people forget that and dismiss what they do. It's sad. I'm so sorry they didn't step up and that this is the lot you got dealt in life
I don't have any advice because it's likely I'd feel the same I would guess. I just hope things get better for you.
Thank you for your kind
Thank you for your kind response. My therapist tells me it's about them and not me. Although analytically I accept that, emotionally it is much harder. He also told me I should tell DH how I feel, which I had been putting off because I don't want to cause him any stress, when he already has so much to deal with.
This afternoon though when DH called me to tell me he was leaving work and on his way home , I guess I didn't sound like my usual self.....he immediately asked what was wrong....I told him I'd talk to him when he got home.
I ended up telling him how I felt about everything!!! He was so sweet and appreciative. He said he totally understood why I feel the way about BM and skids and told me he think they are horrible too. ( he hasn't spoken to them in months)
He told me he knows I got the short end of the stick, but it really showed my strength of character and integrity to always be able to hold it all together so well. He isn't one to express his feelings but he got quite emotional and said he would never be able to show his gratitude and love for my taking care of him the way I did.
He told me that I will always come first and that he is totally at peace if he was never to speak to 3 of the 4 kids again. They have treated him too bad and he was nothing more then a " checkbook"
He apologized for all the hurt and chaos they brought to me and my bios.
I feel better about it, even though I never blamed DH, he has always been good to me and my kids, I just hate the way the skids and BM have treated us.
I hope I can work past my hatred for them, because I know it only hurts me.
Thanks for all the support
I can relate to your
I can relate to your feelings. My first DH was diagnosed with a brain tumor when our oldest child was 2, and I was pregnant with our second child. I did not have skids or a BM to deal with at that point, but I had inlaws, which can sometimes be just as evil. I had a MIL who felt the best way to deal with her son's illness was to avoid it, in turn avoiding him. She took it upon herself to decide SHE must be the one to raise my children, because I was busy taking care of her son. When I physically needed help with him (he was 6'2, 200+ lbs and couldn't walk on his own, move himself from wheelchair to toilet by himself, etc) they were no where to be found. I dealt with it all and never said a word to them except "I gave birth to these children, I will care for them." I only asked for their help with their son once and I was denied. I never asked again. But that didn't mean I wasn't angry... angry at the cards that had been dealt, angry that everyone else could just turn around and walk away from it, I couldn't. Angry that their own inability to deal with the situation was hurting their son. And I even heard my MIL point to someone at my husband's funeral that I (meaning me, the wife) couldn't be hurting inside because I wasn't crying. Honey, I'd had 4 long years to cry, you just didn't see me because you were never around.
I had to get to the point that I did what I needed to do for the one I had pledged my life to. When I made the vow "til death do us part" I didn't know it would come so quickly. I had to push everyone else and their behaviors away for my sanity and that of my husband. To this day I still wonder what my husband thought of his parents in absentia at a time when he really wanted them, and the rest of his family, around the most.
I feel for you, from a point of kind of having been there. Hugs is all I can say.