Why do names mean so much to some men?
I am very hurt and upset with BF right now.
The meat of it is, he said that he didn't see the point of getting married if I didn't want to change my name (to his). Furthermore, he said that he'd rather not have kids (together) if they didn't have his last name.
This is taken a bit out of context, but I'm just so pissed right now that I don't want to explain the whole conversation. Maybe I'll update it later when I cool down. We've talked about this before, but it's always been in a "well this is off in the future, we'll worry about it when the time comes" sort of way. Last night he drew some pretty harsh lines, and I was just floored.
I hesitate (HESITATE, it's not out of the question, but I have reservations--my opposition is only stronger now that he's making it sound like his way or the highway) to take BF's name for two reasons:
1) The petty reason, I'll come right out and admit, is that I don't want the same last name as BM. I don't want my kids to have the same last name as her. I don't want to feel like I'm part of her family.
2) The more substantial reason is that my family is VERY VERY close, and I associate my name with being part of my family. It's not really something I felt that strongly about until BF confronted me on it. He's just so territorial about his name, and about his family, that I feel like I'd be giving up the part that is me. I mean, he has every right to be proud of his name (it's the name only he and his full-blood brother have, which is the name of their father who died when they were kids, hence his strong feelings). I just feel like he's SO vocally possessive of it that (he'll say things like "we [last name]s" or "it's because he's a [last name]") it makes me feel like I am giving up in a way on my own family pride. I dunno, maybe I'm not explaining it right. I just hate that such a seemingly small thing is suddenly the linchpin in us getting married or having kids.
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Thank you. It's nice to know
Thank you.
It's nice to know I'm not totally crazy here.
I know that the petty reason about BM is something I need to get over; it just is what it is and I need to grow up. To be honest, taking BF's name is not something I am totally against. I've told him that. I just have some issues with it, like I said. It seems like when he hears that though he feels the need to dig in his heels, which in turn makes me want to dig in my heels. I then try to back off a bit and think, "Well if it means that much to him, fine. I think it means more to him than it does to me." But then it upsets me because I feel like I'm giving in just because he's more vocal than I am. It seems that frequently we get into little tiffs where he holds on to his opinion and it's me that compromises. This is a rather large issue though, and I don't want to back down this time. But then I feel silly all over again because, like I said originally, I really could be persuaded to take his name. I dunno. This whole thing just makes me feel like I'm arguing for no reason and I'm being ridiculous.
Thank you. I didn't mean to
I can see your way of
I can see your way of thinking, I also can see why he would be mad too!Why not make both of you happy and Hyphenate your last name?
I suggested this as a
I suggested this as a compromise. I wouldn't mind hyphenating at all, and I wouldn't expect the kids NOT to have his name. This was when we were talking about if we had kids. He then said he'd just rather not have kids at all.
Thank you. Another thing that
Thank you. Another thing that really upset me was when I said I care about my name, too, he told me that wasn't really MY name anyway. He said my name was really my mother's maiden name, not my father's. I think this has to do with his "traditional" thinking that it's the men who have the "ownership" of surnames. I truly think he just doesn't think about what comes out of his mouth sometimes.
Let me translate for you: "I
Let me translate for you:
"I don't want to get married and I don't want to have any more kids after the first BM/ex-wife experience."
The name thing is MOOT; he is especially transparent since he would not agree to a compromise.
In this way he can do a "lost leader."
He knows how you feel about the name so he can APPEAR to want to marry you and have kids with you, but he'll say "well she didn't want to" when really HE doesn't want to.
^^^^this^^^^^^ my Bf is the
^^^^this^^^^^^
my Bf is the same way, even tho he knows I am in NO hurry to get married he makes it sound like he would but I think he is more like the above comment.
I had considered very
I had considered very seriously about not changing my last name to DH's when we got married. I mean, hell.. I was 29. I had been a ____ for my entire almost 30 years on this earth. Why, just because I'm getting married, should I have to change my whole identity? That's what didn't make sense to me. Plus, having to get everything changed (DL, SS Card, work email, etc...) just seemed retarded.
But, after thinking about it, I decided to keep my last name and hyphenate the end with his. First, because SD13's BM dropped off the face of the earth when she was 2, so I function as the FT mom. I didn't realize how judgemental people can be until I had to pick SD up from school and didn't have the same last name as her. Now, don't get me wrong.. it's their job to inquire. It wasn't that. It was the look (small town school secretary bitch) I got when I told her I was DH's fiance. Since we've been married and she's gone to middle school, I have not had one dirty look when I go to pick her up, or to her parent-teacher conferences. So, that was the main reason. Secondly, vindictive as it may seem, I wanted the same last name as SS9's BM. I hate her, and that was my way of letting her know I run the fucking show at my house.
***I will add though, DH was supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my last name.. he didn't really care one way or another. However, we both knew we weren't having any kids together, so maybe that made a difference for him.
"Secondly, vindictive as it
"Secondly, vindictive as it may seem, I wanted the same last name as SS9's BM. I hate her, and that was my way of letting her know I run the fucking show at my house."
Haha that is certainly a more inspiring way to look at it! I will have to keep that in mind...
You are not alone. My BF is
You are not alone. My BF is the same way, though he doesn't demand it he pouts and begs me to use his last name. But I like my last name and I don't care for his at all. But I do think that his kids should have his last name just like I got my dad's last name so I told him that I would hyphenate just so that people know they are my kids too! And with hyphenation you can socially go by either name.
But the main thing it it's YOUR choice what you do not his and if he really loves you he will understand.
If he is willing to throw
If he is willing to throw away a life with you and having children with you over something that is ultimately so petty, my honest advice is to run out the door as fast as you can. He sounds like a selfish immature child.
Well, like I said, I think
Well, like I said, I think these statements taken out of context sound harsher than they came out. Truth be told though, my knee-jerk reaction was a bit like what you said. I think part of why he said it so crassly was because he was hurt to think that I wouldn't want his name. In his mind I don't think it was selfish, but giving (as in his wanted to give me something and I rejected it). But yes, if you'd spoken to me last night in the heat of it, I would have called him quite stubbornly selfish.
If I get married again I am
If I get married again I am not changing my last name. Already did that once and don't feel like doing it again.
This is a societal history
This is a societal history thing. Traditionally (for hundreds if not thousands of years) women take the last name of their husband.
I appreciate that my wife took my name though I did tell her she did not have to and that I was good if she kept her maiden name or hyphenated when we got married. She wanted my last name, she took it and she has added to the quality and honor associated with our last name.
If we had children together I would have insisted on them having the last name that I have. Not for any other reasons than that is what people do in western society and that I would want my children to have my name.
My XW took my name though when she divorced me she petitioned the court to return to her maiden name. When the judge granted her request she replied in a disrespectful manner with "THANK GOD!" the judge climbed her ass for getting snarky and threatened to force her to keep my name until she had an amnio proving she was not pregnant. I guess he figured a giant needle through the belly for an amnio Vs. peeing on a stick would make a bigger impression on her.
My XW’s snarky comment about my name actually hurt since my family was nothing but accepting and supportive of her. But, I was glad that I had no children with her and that she has no association with the name that my parents, brother, my wife and myself have worked hard to make a name of honor. My XW has not earned the name so .... good riddance. I would not want her adulterous skanky ass associated with my family.
So, why are guys so wrapped around the axle about names.... it is a pride thing I guess. It shows the world that our wives are not available to other men, our children are ours and that we provide for them and that we can protect and care for our families.
The wife of one of my BFFs did not change her name but goes my Mrs. HIS LAST NAME socially and by her maiden name professionally. Their children have his last name but her maiden name as their middle names.
I would not change my name to my DWs name and I am proud that she took my name ..... however, I don't think I would have called off the wedding if she had decided to keep her maiden name.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Thanks for a male
Thanks for a male perspective.
BF also referred to the historical/societal tradition, which isn't a reference that really sits well with me, but I understand what you mean.
It's quite a good thing that you never had children with your ex-wife; she may have been more reluctant to change her name if that had been the case. I'm quite certain that the only reason BF's ex keeps his last name is because the kids have it, and it would be a cold day in hell before he would ever give her permission to change their last names. His reaction to this is quite amusing though; he believes that there MUST be a way for the courts to order her to relinquish HIS last name. He gets rather up in arms about this, despite the obvious fact that this is not the way the law works.
I think you're quite right about it being a pride thing. And truly, I am touched that he would offer me his last name when he clearly cares so much about it. It was simply the way he said those things--that such a singular thing could make such final decisions--that caused me to get so upset about all this. And truly, I don't know if he meant all that to sound so final. Hell, when I was pissed about it last night he asked me what was wrong, as though he didn't realize how upset his statements had made me. I don't if he really saw it as a serious matter, and the more I tried to make him see why I was upset, the more I felt like an over-dramatic female. As of yet, there's no wedding in the works to call off, so I suppose that may be why he doesn't consider this such a serious topic.
I don't know. I'm less upset now that it's all out.
Did you ever consider
Did you ever consider changing your name to match the name of your wife and children/potential children? Does the idea seem absolutely absurd to you?
Welcome to being a woman.
I am sad that I gave my daughter my XH's name. I wish I hadn't done that and I am glad I didn't do it to myself.
Nope, I would not consider
Nope, I would not consider changing my last name to match my wife's. But I see your point.
Though I am proud that my incredible bride has made my family name her own, with her own accomplishments and contributions to the name.
Maybe she was not so sensitive to this issue since her BioDad was killed in a car accident before her mom knew that she was pregnant with my wife, she was raised with a name that was different from the rest of her family's, her paternal relatives did not even have her maiden name as her uncle and aunt were adopted by her GMs 5th husband, and her BioDad's last name was a major source of childhood teasing (her maiden name is "Gay").
This really is not a huge deal for me personally and I would be fine if either of my wife's had kept their maiden name though I am ecstatic that my XW no longer sullies my name. However, any kids would have my name. I would have insisted on it.
Best regards,
GOSH this topic is a BIG pet
GOSH this topic is a BIG pet peeve of mine...just another indication that women are less/inferior to men...they NEVER have to deal with the stupid name change shit women do.
If you marry you get slack if you do or don't take the name, everybody has an opinion, if you have a divorce society (men and women) have an opinion on whether you should keep the last name or change it, on and on, it doesn't end, it's just a topic I can't even talk about anymore w/out it rising my blood pressure.
Do what YOU want, fuck the rest of the world and your guys opinion.
If every woman did this we MIGHT get rid of the idiotic notion that somebody else should have a SAYSO in what we do with OUR damn names.
Hahaha awesome girl. Yes,
Hahaha awesome girl. Yes, this issue definitely hit that sore-spot. He also has a horrible tendency to say some misogynistic-sounding things when he's talking about this subject, and it all really boiled over.
Thank you tough cookie.
I wasn't sure about giving up
I wasn't sure about giving up my maiden name when I married DH. But I did want us to have a "family name" if we were going to have kids together. So I ended up changing my middle name to my maiden name and took DH's last name. This way I feel like I didn't have to give up my identity. You can also consider giving your maiden name to your future child - either first or middle - to carry on the family name. But I do share the same concern as others that your DH considers this a deal-breaker. Doesn't a rose by any other name smell just as sweet?
Haha that phrase came to mind
Haha that phrase came to mind earlier. Unfortunately, I don't think he's very familiar with Shakespeare.
Trust me, the deal-breaker thing pissed me off to no end last night. In the clarity of the morning I have to say, I'm not sure if he's serious or not. He might have just been saying that because he was hurt (and probably tired; he's been working like crazy and we were talking late in the evening) and didn't really think before he spoke. Like I said, his name means a lot to him, so he takes it pretty hard that I'd look that gift horse in the mouth.
I completely understand the
I completely understand the frustration of the last name argument. I did not change my last name. It's not even because BM has his last name; she got remarried and changed it. I didn't change it simply because I didn't want to do it. It's a PITA, and I want the same last name as DD15. My stance is the same now as it was 6 years ago: if DH wants me to have the same last name as his, then we can ALL change it to my maiden name. Everyone shares the chore. I'm willing, but he's not, LOL!!!
I too have the same dilemma.
I too have the same dilemma. FDH basically said "what's the point of getting married if you're not going to take my name"?
I have been married twice, and changed my name back to my maiden name twice now. I'm not really fussy on doing it again.
Also, his last name, while I don't have a problem with it, seems to make adults laugh like fifth graders. So every time I mention it to friends at work etc., they all laugh and tee hee like school children. I don't really want to have to live with that for the rest of my life.
I've got a couple of months to make my decision though. I may go with using his name socially, and my maiden name professionally. I really do like that idea.
Maybe i'm snarky right now,
Maybe i'm snarky right now, but my response would be "what's the point of getting married if you aren't going to hand me your paycheck?"
I haven't read all the
I haven't read all the responses, but I am with you. I didn't change my name when I got married. I just wanted my name. I was proud of my great grandfather and he was my saving grace growing up. I had an awful father. Never had my father's last name, he wouldn't marry my mother and he was a drunk. I wanted to carry on my great grandfather's name. My husband at the time had no problem. He was understanding.
Here's the only solution I can see if you want to compromise and continue with your FDH. Use his last name socially and don't make any legal changes.
Not sure its the best solution, but its the best I can think of right now.
I did take DH's last name,
I did take DH's last name, but I thought about keeping my maiden name, especially since my father was the only son without any sons. Hyphenating wans't very realistic at 18 letters without the hyphen.
My DH felt I was rejecting him and our relationship wasn't as important to me because I was thinking about not taking his name. I think the issue goes deeper with your SO then just names. Talk to him about why it bothers him.
I took my stbx H's last name.
I took my stbx H's last name. and now that we are getting divorce, Im still going to keep his last name. I do not like my maiden name at all. It is my mother's ex's husband name. Why she didnt let my brother and I have my dads last name I do not know, mom and dad were together 12 years! My brother recently changed his last name to our dad's actually. Even though I dont really wanna keep my ex H's last name, I would rather have that then my maiden name. and plus its too much of a hassle to change names! I thought about changing my last name to my dad's last name too, if I did that I would, if I got married again either hyphenate last name, or just keep my dad's last name. I think it would be good if you hyphenated it, if possible, if you were set on not having your bf's last name.
Honestly. Names mean alot to
Honestly. Names mean alot to me. I took my husbands name but I DESPISE the fact that his x and I share the same last name. I know that he can't force the hag to change it, but I do feel that he should have told her to.
She chose to leave him for her coworker so she should not be associated with the family name. It makes me want to change my name back to my maiden name and they can share his 'family name' without me. It's just disgusting. :sick: