Update on my Situation

Ok, I've been processing a LOT. I have a counselor I like, we've had one meeting so far, and another for later this week; we'll be meeting weekly for the forseeable future (I'm lucky she's a Zoom user because it's not easy for me to get to the city due to location).

It's been hard. I've been mostly angry, some sadness is starting to set in now though. Anxiety too.

Here's the deal. H left to go on his 5-week "get back to myself I need the time off and also visit family trip". I'm ok with the family part, but this is 5th trip he's taken without me. I've not been able to go on the others (two though I didn't want to go) due to work committments and/or elderly cat care. So I drop him off at the transit site to the airport and lo and behold he's left his phone in my car. No way to get it to him at that point. So he had to get a new one once he arrived since he needed it for 2-FA authentication for work (he's doing some work during his free-time there too).

SO he needed to give me his password to his current phone in order to access his new phone and get his 2-FA stuff updated. He hesitated. I noticed. He's been very secretive with his phone lately and I was red-flagging it all over the place, and yes, to his face but nothing got through. He HAD to give me the code in the end otherwise lose his job. And what do I find in the texts? One string asking for an escort's availability and prices for a night in April - and I know where he was that day/evening but he got home late..I thought he was hanging out with a friend until later. And there was another escort (I Googled the phone numbers) contacting him as well - although the prior string was deleted.

So then I started combing through his phone and Google histories. YEP. I found private apps, and possibly an alternate phone number he was using, as well as numbers to pre-paid phone cards. I found complete text strings between he and three other escorts when he was on his last trip in January. Complete to the point of agreeing on price, location and when he arrived at their place. I found information about a brothel he was interest in and "gentleman's club card" with a date of 2022 (corresponding to another trip he took). I was careful, took pictures, and covered my search tracks and history on his phone. He had a LOT of women by first name only on his contacts list and some of the saved #s (with no name) also tracked back to escorts. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach.

One day he deleted his Snapchat so I couldn't get into it - quite telling there. Then the next day he wiped his phone (he had it linked to his laptop). Very, very incriminating.

I do believe he's a sex addict. I found other information I won't go into here but the pieces all fit together and also explains a lot of his disengagement/anxiety/depression at home lately. I know his ex-wife accused him of that addiction too but he and his younger sister laughed it off. So did I. But I think she was right. And I think now that's what ended that marriage, not his "spending spree on clothing." It explains why he freaked out so badly about his financial information being shared with me and the financial advisor for retirement planning. It explains why he didn't want to go through the will process (but he ended up ok with this likely because no financial info was shared). It explains why he's been so reticent about discussions of the future with me, or moving forward. It makes me worried he's hiding more financial things, i.e. debt.

What's going on since then?

* I am packing up my non-essentials and figuring out where I'm going to put them for the next 6-9 mos.

* I have contacted and met with two relators and will make a decision on which one I'll go with in the next week. Both think the house will sell very fast so likely we'll be out in September.

* I have instructed the estate lawer to cease work on H's wills/POA. Changed my benefactors, executor and POA.

* I have a meeting with the financial advisor tomorrow morning.

* I changed all my life insurance to my sister/neice.

* I have a meeting with a lawyer (hoping for a "collaborative divorce") at the end of this month.

* Working on a TON of house things to get updated/finished/cleaned before a house inspection.

* I have two places to stay if I don't find a short term rental in September.

* I have a medical procedure two days after he gets back. A friend is helping me instead.

* I am worried about my cat who is not doing great - he's not going to do well with a move at all. Worried and crying I may have to put him down before I move out.

* My manager knows some of this and what I'm dealing with and has been very good in allowing me huge flexibility with time and time off. Thank goodness I'm in my slow period of the year now.

* I had a doc appointment last week and we added a STD panel (should have results any day; he was going to call me if there was anything concerning but no call so far).

* I've not said anything to H. He's contacting me off and on via FB messenger but no real affection or love exchanges. He called me once last week, I fully believe trying to feel me out to see what I know; I was very short and told him I was too busy at work to talk. He wiped his phone after that convo. If H pushes it I'll give him the option of talking right then or when he gets back, his choice.

* When he gets back we will for sure have the discussion. I will have the house sale contract ready, information on the divorce, a list of questions for him (not that he'll answer I'm sure). He will be asked to move out ASAP.

* I am worried he will try and kill himself because of his anxiety and depression and he's thought about it before in a serious way. I'm working with my counselor on this and reminding myself it's not my fault. None of this is my fault.

I'm sad, disgusted, humiliated, feel cheated out of what I thought was a good partnership that had drifted a bit b/c of the SDs and his unresolved family issues. Now that is all gone. I am sad to remember what we had, who I thought he was, that memory is just the worst.

So there you are. It's a sh*t show.

Cover1W's blog
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I'm so, so sorry, Cover. And

I'm so, so sorry, Cover. And admire how you're handling your business.

I feel like this time is my

I feel like this time is my "separation" period. It's given me the ability to do all this. To get my head straight. His trip ended up being a good thing for me in that it brought everything out and is allowing me to process and plan.

I agree. Things would be much

I agree. Things would be much more difficult, both practically and emotionally, if he were home.

I’m sorry! Sounds like you

I’m sorry! Sounds like you have gotten pretty much everything together and worked out on your end. Keep taking care of yourself, and I hope your poor kitty can survive just a little longer for that move.

Sorry to hear this

I'm so sorry. Cover, I want you to be safe. My ex, the wittiest, most easygoing person in the world, became extremely dangerous. He pointed a gun at me, stalked me, kidnapped my son, and made my life hell. People do crazy things. Don't take any chances at all. Good luck and please keep us posted, we care.

THIS!!!

Watch your back, Cover! Stay safe!!!! Good for you to make those changes. Check please! And get that house sold stat before prices start going down.

I'm sorry you are going

I'm sorry you are going through this! No one should live in a state of limbo and it sounds like you were... the unknown...Now you know. Take care of yourself and kitty! That's all that matters right now. Don't ever blame yourself!

That's just terrible.. If you

That's just terrible.. If you don't want to be with someone.. fine.. but cut the relationship off.. then go do your thing.

He may have some impulse issues.. but in the end.. he made the choices he made...

That Disguesting Effer!

I'm both so angry for you & proud of you at the same time Cover! Praying for you, glad you're finally exterminating the "relationship" with that nasty parasite.

This is an epic StapTalk update - whoah. If God hadn't promised "Vengence is Mine," I'd be organizing a posse right about now & would show up with all the ST regulars to bleach his nasty aura with some Clorox, for starters. He needs to be on the seggs* offender registry under the Ultimate Rabid Maggot category.

*Hat-tip to Lilly

In other news, I cannot WAIT to hear happy FREEDOM & serenity healthy lifestyle updates from you in the near future Cover. You are MIGHTY, and we're here for you!

I'm still up for the posse

I'm still up for the posse though.

Sorry to hear of this, it's

Sorry to hear of this, it's crap what he put you though. However I'm glad you're giving him the boot. He deserves it. Business time on your end now to cut him loose. It sickens me to know how he treated you and you are amazing and awesome.

Hugs and best wishes

What a gut punch.

I had assumed he had been running up debt or hiding resources in light of his uneasiness about talking with a financial planner, which would have been bad enough - but this is shameful behavior on his part.

No woman should ever have to put up with this from a man. I'm glad you're moving forward in such a positive way. You're showing amazing strength.

WOW!!!!

Im sosososo sorry you are going through this and glad that you are getting away quickly and with all the "ducks" in a row.

I am also looking forward to more updates in how you are MIGHTY.

Check out the book "leave a cheater, gain a life"

and chumplady.com

https://www.chumplady.com/he-sees-prostitutes-shes-stuck-in-a-fog/

https://www.chumplady.com/dear-chump-lady-my-husband-was-using-prostitutes/

The comments are GOLD. You are not alone, and sometimes a bit of snark helps.

Ugh that's awful. I'm so

Ugh that's awful. I'm so sorry. Make sure you have all your ducks lined up before you talk to him.

Oh darlin. Words fail me. I

Oh darlin. Words fail me. I am so incredibly sorry that you've experienced this level of betrayal. We will all be here for you.

This group has helped me through two relationships ending. I couldn't have made it through so well without the posters here. ((hugs))

what a piece of crap he is. I

what a piece of crap he is. I'll breathe easy whenhe's out of your life.

So sorry to hear all this -

So sorry to hear all this - well done for handling it all - it is enough to devastate anyone.

I'm So Sorry

my heart breaks for you, reading this update. I am proud of you, though, and how you are so clearly thinking in the midst of this horrific event. Kudos to you.

As for his mental state, that has ZERO TO DO WITH YOU. That is HIS issue and HIS ALONE.

Please keep us updated and vent here as often as you need. Big hugs.

(((HUGS))))

WOW

I am sorry for the pain and sadness you may feel. Also, I am very happy the truth came out. Like others have said, I am also proud of you. You are focused.

Most of all, you see things for what they are. You are NOT thinking that maybe, MAYBE. what I see is not what is real. Maybe it is something else...... Bravo !!!!

WOW, just wow.

(((HUGS))))

Yup, I was sure that your

Yup, I was sure that your soon-to-be-ex asshole was cheating; it's happened to me more than once and I've had to face the humiliation of legs up for STI tests. Like you, I was a faithful as an old dog, married to a shithead who never saw a woman (or young teen, for that matter) that he wouldn't pursue.

Damn, but it's painful, Cover! Shocking, gut-wrenching and so painful. It's almost a good thing, that Cheaterman is faulty in so many other areas; makes leaving a tad easier. I can truly relate to your suffering and wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.

Oh, Friend, what a blow. You

Oh, Friend, what a blow. You're not falling apart though and you will be ok. Better than ok.

Uncovering those lies while he is gone is the best gift he's given you. Make a new life for yourself and don't look back.

You like to think all the

You like to think all the step BS is worth it because you have your relationship, then they show themselves to be worthless doiche bags. I'm so sorry.

Yep

Its so not worth it!

This is going to sound odd-

This is going to sound odd- but congratulations on taking control of your life and for actively taking steps toward a better future. I'm divorced and I can tell you that while this time absolutely sucks- just focus on getting your ducks in a row (it sounds like your doing that) and really making yourself the priority. If you get overwhelmed, just take things one 'thing' at a time. Congratulations on putting an end to a toxic situation and for a you-focused future.

i feel for you

i went through something similar. I was seven months pregnant with daughter number three and my now ex husband had left his email up . i just clicked on one be it was describing a hotel hookup. He has something called a humiliation fetish and was meeting strangers off the internet . He had one long term mistress though . there is nothing like getting Aids and STD tested while pregnant. That baby I was pregnant with is now 15 but i remember the feeling like it was yesterday. The life I had worked so hard to build was over through no fault of my own. I think i have built a nice little life for myself. i don't think I have ever found "the one" but I don't need to. i am content with me and don't obsessively long for finding the love of my life like I did in my twenties. i turn 49 next week. I think you will do more than survive. You will thrive . He is an idiot for having lost you

I'm so sorry for you to be in

I'm so sorry for you to be in this situation. My first thought was "how fortunate that the legal stuff wasn't finished and could change easily." That's the universe looking out for you. I'm sure there must be other good things coming your way. Life is funny that way, when you get rid of the toxic , the good has room to show up. Hugs.

My heart aches for you. I am

My heart aches for you. I am so, so sorry. Everything you're describing sounds so much like my story with XH that it made me sick to my stomach to read. There were no escorts in our case, but countless affairs while traveling for work (for the business we own together) and ultimately the realization and diagnosis that he is a sex addict. I also discovered everything when he was away on a longer trip.

You are handling yourself and the situation SO WELL. Truly, I'm in awe of how methodical you're being. I know you must be a mess on the inside, but you're taking care of business and yourself in a way that is really commendable. I'm glad you have a good therapist and a plan.

I hope you'll keep us updated here as you're able. And please feel free to pm me if you just need someone to talk to. I didn't tell anyone in real life about XH for over 18 months after I found out. I know how lonely it can be. Sending you all the positive thoughts for strength and wisdom.

My stomach dropped reading

My stomach dropped reading this. I'm so sorry! I am also in awe of you re: taking care of business! You are responsible for you. You are not responsible for him and his reactions/actions. You will plow through this crisis. I look forward to hearing about your new life!

Also...

"I am worried he will try and kill himself because of his anxiety and depression and he's thought about it before in a serious way."

Possible part of his (its?) B.S. drama gaslighting used to throw you off & keep himself in your sympathy. I believe in creation over evolution, but could get on board with this lying, manipulative, world-class SLEAZE BAG taking out the trash (God forgive me!). However, I'd bet my next five paychecks that loser is too selfish to give it any effort.

Oooh I'm so disguested he did this to you!

Absolutely, StepUltimate!

Absolutely, StepUltimate! Cheaters, by necessity, have to keep a lot of balls in the air to conceal their covert activities. Pity parties and that much-used adolescent threat, "I'll KILL myself," are well-worn manipulative tactics of dedicated double-dealers. Since Mr. Asshole has always been a veiled bully in the Cover/Asshole relationship, he’s bound to play victim as his first gambit, then move on to the bullying and threats outlined in The Cheater’s Playbook (with which I’m intimately acquainted).

Cover, you’ve organized your departure like a true champ and I’ve got the feeling that Mr. A will be no match for you. Just stay angry; the best defence is a good offence!

If he can call aroudn for sex

If he can call around for sex- he can call around for a hospital bed for himself.

If he can call around for sex

If he can call around for sex- he can call around for a hospital bed for himself.

Yes!!!! He can apply all the effort he put into being a POS to getting his shit together and going as far away from Cover as possible, wherever that may be.

He will be TOLD to move out

He will be TOLD to move out ASAP.

Oh, Cover, I wish I could meet your stbxH at the airport and take him for a drive. You are beautiful inside and out and deserve so much better than this. Prayers for you and many hugs. XOXO

Thank you so much for the update, I have been thinking about you

Thank you so much for the update, I have been thinking about you. I am so sorry about your situation. I also found out my ex was cheating via electronics - it is such a horrible feeling when you start reading and so many things start to match up and make sense. I so admire how you are handling everything! Keep checking off those boxes and you will get through this in the best way possible. Please know that we are all here for you.

I am very sorry. How awful

I admire how you are handling it. Swift, logical and with a ton of self respect. Stay strong. Today is a new day of your new life.

sending hugs and much support.

Cover, I am so ANGRY for you.

Cover, I am so ANGRY for you. Not only was he doing all this crap but he also imagined that you wouldn't find our, moron that he is.

I highly recommend you talk to a forensic accountant to find out ( if possible) how much of your household finances he flushed down the drain and how much credit card debt he has racked up. The point is to reduce any share he has in your joint belongings proportionally and to ensure that you cannot be held responsible for his debt.

Be kind to yourself and take care.

I am so sorry

I am so sorry this shit is happening Cover. You do not deserve any of this.

((HUGS))

Cover,

You need to be stealth! Pretend like everything is okay toward him so that he doesn't suspect anything then POW ninja him!

THIS!!!

I wouldn't let him know sh*t ... just like how he withheld very important information for years

Even when he knew it was a possibility he'd be busted when he had to give you his password (he could have come clean at that time but didn't because he thought you were too dumb to figure out his secret life)

......Leverage!!!

If you do confront him with the truth ... catch him all the way off guard ... https://youtu.be/kiCp_QERGn8?feature=shared

I strongly agree. Do not show

I strongly agree. Do not show your hand. Catch him off guard completely when he arrives with hopefully divorce papers and him out of the home.

Sorry Clover

it's a Big kick in the gut. Take your time. You have time. To decide what you are going to do. Good you are getting help.
'Best of luck on your life, You kinda knew fishey stuff was going on. I would never let my SO go on a five week vacation with out me

I'm so sorry for you....its so hard when you find out.

Honestly, I have thought alot about what will happen if MA decides to get another wild hair up his butt and contact other women. I will NOT give another chance.

Instead asking to move out ASAP...I would pack his stuff and have it on the porch when he arrives home. The locks will be changed before they even get home.

I'm sorry as this is such a blow to anyone really..it sucks. None of this is your fault....and whatever actions your DH (d*ckhead) decides to take that IS ON HIM. You didn't force him to do anything....these are all his CHOICES. They are not MISTAKES..they are CHOICES.

Chump lady is great and I found an online support group that has helped me...(but its for those of us that chose to stay). I'm sure you can find a support group....

I'm so sorry. You deserve so

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than him. I'm glad that you are taking charge and kicking him to the curb. If he tries that manipulative line of threatening to kill himself, know that he is trying to get you to back down. Even if he did, you are not responsible for his actions. You are not doing anything wrong, he is doing everything wrong.

I am worried he will try and

I am worried he will try and kill himself because of his anxiety and depression and he's thought about it before in a serious way.

Spread some mental health resources for him on the kitchen table and leave it at that

As long as you e done your part, you're not responsible for his emotional health. You're not his therapist. If he's really concerned about offing himself he needs to take initiative and contact his psychiatrist.

Threatening to hurt himself because you don't want to participate in his one sided open marriage is a manipulation tactic to keep you from leaving, waste your time, trick you into catering to him as a "victim"

Good thing you're taking care of yourself now and making sure your legacy looks exactly how you want it

I am so very sorry.

So am I.

And not to sound harsh, but if he threatens to kill himself tell him yeah go right ahead mate.

Your counsellor is right - this is NOT your fault so work on trying not to feel worried or anxious about what he might or might not do. He doesn't deserve your concern.

Sounds like you're on track with the planning to wind everything up. I think I'd just communicate with him via email from now on - rather than sitting down with him to talk it all out. You know he'll just lie, cry, threaten suicide etc.

He's a waste of space - so don't give him any space.

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