Need Advice
I was married at the age of 23 with really not alot of relationship experience. My husband already had 2 kids and was divorced. I had never been married and still have no bio kids. His ex was always crazy, but basically went off the deep end and abandoned the kids about a year after we were married.
Ive never "loved" these kids, though Ive tried. I feel like my husband walks on eggshells around them and won't discipline them like he should. Things were not as bad when they were younger. Now that they are both teens, the SD has really started acting out. She goes around telling everyone shes depressed and is into goth stuff. We set up counseling for her, and she locked us out of her room. She leaves nasty hateful notes in her room for us to find. She argues with everything we say and thinks she knows everything. My husband wouldn't talk to her about her mom even though I told him to for over a year. He finally talked to her when she started secretly messaging her teacher about it.
About a year ago, when all this started, I just started dissociating. I do SO much better mentally when I am not around them much or I dont have to deal with them as much. I found that when I have no say though, I start getting really negatively affected.
My husband is just like so many of yours. He just doesn't understand why I dont want to be around them all the time and I don't want to take family trips. To me, they are a constant reminder of his past relationship and the source of so much stress and drama.
i need help, obviously. Any advice appreciated. Also any coping strategies appreciated.
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Comments
Get a life
What helped/helps me, is that I have a good solid tribe of good solid people. I got a life apart from the skids and DH.
I read and post here.
I take time for myself. Time that I used to focus on others is now on me. I do not have bios, only fur kids.
- Are you planning on having your own children someday? Thats a great outlet, but sadly not open to all.
Disnegagement is fabulous, but you still require respectful behavior. If skids are disrespectful and your partner doesnt disipline them and allows it, you stop doing anything for them. Stop cooking and cleaning and spending your money on them. Im assuming that you are working outside the home. If not, get work outside the home and then its up to your husband to drive them around.
Its too bad that the bio mother isnt in the picture - she might show up suddenly and then be on a pedastal. Its ok, to not like them. They are not your kids. I do not ascribe to the whole "bonus" thing, so to me, stepmother is its own niche. Different. Society tells us steppers that we must "love them like our own". We can treat them like our own (or not) but there is no "love requirement" thats just hooey.
Welcome! Feel free to post as much as you need.
This is great advice. I do
This is great advice. I do have a job outside my home but I dont love the job, so its hard to consider it an escape.
Im actually not planning on having my own kids. I have nothing against it, I just feel like I invested so much time in the skids and would have to start over. Im 32, and the oldest has 2.5 years until college. Ive been wanting to travel and cant do that with the kids involved currently.
I started an account here because I feel like it will help to vent. Its nice to see so many people feel the same as I do. None of my family understands because none of them are in this position. I know I did it to myself, but in my defense, when I got married, I never expected to have the kids full time.
I do have a fur baby also who I love. And my sister lives about 2 hours away, so I think that socializing more outside the home is a good way to cope.
thanks for your response and the welcome!
Welcome to this site and I
Welcome to this site and I agree with Clove 100%. It's time to step away from your role and start focusing on yourself. Take classes to find a career that you would enjoy more. Enjoy activities with friends. Take dance or art lessons. Do whatever your heart desires.
You will be a much happier person when you start focusing on self care and invest in your relationship with DH versus your role as an SM.
Also I got a lot out of the book Step monster. It helped give me a whole new perspective on things.
I think my husband doesn't
I think my husband doesn't understand because I used to be more involved with then when they were little. I picked them up from school almost every day, I did alot for them. The past 2 years my mental health started suffering because of all the SD drama and serious issues (depression, writing about suicide) she has been into. My husband wasn't taking it as seriously as I was. (i am a nurse, her BM has serious mental health issues, and her BM's mom committed suicide.) So I started creeping away slowly because I could not handle the stress of this SD and issues not being addressed. He walks on eggshells around her and she basically gets what she wants no matter what.
He put her in counseling after I yelled at him and guess what the counselor says is the solution to our problems? MORE family time. I almost lost my mind when I heard that. So now he is fixated on family trips. We have been married for almost 10 years and never gone anywhere except for our honeymoon. I know there are alot of issues here, but I am just getting really fed up.
I have told him everything too btw. I said I dont want to have more"family time." We are with the kids all the time. I know that sounds bitchy but i was being honest.
Gads, MORE family time?! That
Gads, MORE family time?! That's not a solution to suicidal ideation. Addressing triggers, medication, safety plans, therapy, proper parenting - THOSE are solutions. But pizza and Monopoly night isn't going to fix anything. Neither is a trip to Disney World.
But you know this and I know this. Your DH, though, probably doesn't want to know this because "more family time" is easy. The other stuff is hard.
My best advice? Find your own life in all of this. Find friends and activities. Want to travel? Go with friends! If your DH wants family trips, he can plan them and invite you, then you can say yay or nay. HE is the parent, and if HE wants family things to happen, HE needs to plan and execute them, whether you're involved or not.
If this is taking a toll on your mental health, then you need to keep stepping back and focus on that. Even if you wanted to help SD, you can't while trying to keep yourself from falling apart. My YSS's mental health issues finally pushed me into therapy because I NEEDED to get my brain right in order to help him. Even if I wasn't helping him, I needed to get my brain right. If you have access to an EAP through work, I highly recommend using it.
Thank you. It is so nice to
Thank you. It is so nice to have reinforcement in my own thinking when sometimes I actually think Im going crazy because noone agrees with me.
I had never had any mental health issues (depression, anxiety, insomnia) until all of this happened. It really does sound like I should continue to step back and find a way to socialize with other people and enjoy things on my own. You all are right, and I appreciate the advice!