Needing advice
Really not sure where to begin. 3 years ago I met my husband and his daughter was 6 at the time. Daughters mom has full custody and him and his family obsess over this. Before I realized what I had gotten myself into I found out I was pregnant and of course I then got married thinking it was what I wanted at the time. My step daughter has always been very attention seeking, my husband, mother-in-law and father-in-law have her believing the world revolves solely around her. She is all they talk about (I get it, it's their kid/grandkid) but 9 months later, I have a child who is now almost 2. They all don't put near the effort into having a relationship with her as they do my step daughter. My husband acts completely different like night and day when she is here. He only cares to spend quality time together when she's here. We can't ever do anything fun or exciting cause she will be missing out. When she isn't here and we are all home together all he does is sit on his phone or when she FaceTimes him when she is at her moms the phone calls are lasting 45 min to an hour. He still spends more quality time with her than he does with our own daughter who is here all the time. I have built up so much resentment and anger that I am constantly annoyed when they are together. It's nothing but chaos and there's no responsibilities when she is here. I have tried bringing this up and I always get the blame for something. This has ruined my marriage and the only reason I stay is the simple fact that I don't want him trying to fight me for my child, or if he does I am worried he would get 50/50 even though I am the one taking care of her the entire week. I just need help and advice. I've tried therapy and it didn't work. I have tried talking to him about it and it doesn't work. Idk what to do. I can't live this way. I keep thinking that this is just a phase and they will all grow out of it. But it isn't. She is going to be 10 next year...
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Let me just say the
Let me just say the Disneyland dad I dealt with was the exact same way.
These Disney dudes are not ready for relationships because they have not healed from their past. But despite their unhealed past trauma they will move forward/rope unsuspecting women into their web of heavy duty baggage that's very difficult to escape from after they've "Locked you in" (with babies and marriage and joint loans)
They feel unhealthy amounts of guilt about creating a new family that they over compensate by giving more resources to the kid from previous relationship (even risking destroying the new family / relationship)
Imo ... if you've had multiple conversations and been met with defensiveness/gaslighting/arguing/refusing therapy then this might be separation worthy because your husband is not putting your marriage as a priority and he's being unmanly by creating chaos in the home.
And he probably won't change unless drastic measure are taken.
BTW why would you think he would try to get 50/50 custody when he can't even get half custody of the oldest one?!? Most men cannot hack it as single parents and they have a defeatist attitude in family court (they mentally give up before court proceedings even start) so unless he's paying off judges and lawyers then it would not be that hard to get 60% or more custody from the average man in the average family court.
If he gets 50/50
He will have to take care of her more then he does now. He doesn't want to spend time with her when SD is not there. There is something radical wrong with DH. He needs professional help.
A few thoughts...
This is a common story in Step Life. A big piece of advise it read around on here. Some terms to look up:
1. Mini Wife syndrome
2. Disney Dad syndrome.
Its not uncommon for the fathers to feel guilty for the family breaking up and over compensating, but his behavior is on the extreme side of things. "obsession" is a strong word.
From what you mentioned, this has even extended to your husbands family.
This will NOT get better because he is not willing to work on it with you. This will become a "them vs you" scenario.
You will have to draw some hard lines and explain that he will be having to pay spousal support as well as child support if he doesnt start acting like a dad to your bio.
How are your finances? Are you a SAHM?
No, I work as a nurse full
I work as a nurse full time. I am to the point where I don't even want his child support, just for him to let me have our daughter majority of the time. Sometimes I think he would fight me just because he can and he has taken the other mother to court multiple times. I know he couldn't handle 50/50 but this is where I know he will have his parents step in (who never see our daughter either unless SD is over). Its a sucky situation and I wish I didn't feel stuck. I get he doesn't get to see SD as much..sees her every other weekend and on Thursdays but summertime is 50/50 and it is miserable. I am doing all the responsible things and taking care of our daughter while him and SD are constantly playing. He always is yelling out her name if she isn't in the same room as him or if she is doing something else. She never plays alone. If he leaves she is constantly asking where he went. It's unhealthy. She relies on him too much. And I can't wait it anymore.
Mini wife
Yeah, look it up. Also look up enmeshment and emotional incest.
It doesnt get better over time, and he doesnt want this dynamic to change.
SO, you work and make your own money.
Get your finances separated. It could be that he "trapped you" for financial reasons. Also as bed warmer while he and his mini wife go do "important stuff". Nursing pays well with great bennies, so if his finances suck, glomming onto you and yours is beneficial to him. You are a great appliance to be used, so he can impress mini wife.
Get your finances separated if they are not already. Before you assume that he will in fact GET that 50/50, document what you have posted on here, do some research and document things. How he doesnt spend time with his youngest, etc. Dont mention anything, stop bringing anything up. Disengage from SD mini wife, and focus on your bio and YOU. This is stressing you out so its stressing out your kiddo too.
Next, consult with a few lawyers, get recs and try out a lot, so there is a conflict of interest and he cannot use any that have consulted with you first. Is there a pre/post nup? You can try for that. So you dont end up paying HIM. It all depends on your state and who makes what.
Get your tribe together. You need people on your side, and this will help in documentation - if they see what you see, they are witnesses in your case potentially.
Take care of YOU. Disengage from THEM.
I appreciate this. It's very
I appreciate this. It's very helpful. I have consulted with a few lawyers but it was when my little one was under a year old. Thinking it would get better and also fearing the unknown, I didn't follow through with anything. He makes more money than I so I don't fear I would be paying him anything but I do have a separate bank account that I kept for my personal use.
I have a log of dates of multiple times he has had days off and she has went to daycare instead of him keeping her home with him. But when it's summer and he has days off and has my SD then he will keep our daughter. It's very messed up to me. I also have documented times he has been home and only cares to spend minimal time with her. But I wasn't sure how the court system would view this, or if they would take it even in consideration. I don't want them thinking I am being spiteful or trying to keep her from him. I also know some states hit hard on 50/50 but I am not sure about Indiana. I know it is time to pull the trigger and go, but I want to have all my ducks in a row before. Because this is not going to change. And I know I eventually will want another baby and have been told unless he gets more time with SD that he isn't having anymore.
im so glad I found this group. I am glad I am not "crazy" for feeling this way. I have tried looking at things through his perspective but it just isn't ok for me to be constantly feeling this way. I don't want to dread going home. I want to enjoy and soak every minute I have with my daughter and not feel like I am anxious or irritated 75% of the time.
I'd also be looking for ways
I'd also be looking for ways to illustrate that he will systematically send your dd to his parents rather than take care of her on his time because that is NOT what visitation is for.
Just researched what
Just researched what enmeshment was and that is him to a T. Wow.
Clove and Winterglow have
Clove and Winterglow have done a terrific job of outlining the steps that you need to take in order to escape from your miserable existence. All I have to add is empathy since I know, full well, how it feels to live with a man that you no longer love and, in fact, have begun to actively dislike. A relationship like the one you’ve described becomes a contest between two combatants instead of a marriage.
I stayed far too long with my first husband (the psychopath) because I had two small children, no job and no means of support. When I caught him in the driveway of our home, in flagrante delicto with my best friend (while I was baby-sitting her young daughters!), I’d finally reached my limit. No kidding, ‘eh?
Hon, I suspect that your husband is far too enmeshed with his older daughter to get overly involved in a lengthy court battle over his younger child. He’ll be too traumatized over divorce costs, child support and other realities to squabble much. Furthermore, you’ve done well to have kept scrupulous records of the man’s neglect and glaring preference; that will be a big help in determining custody issues. Indiana generally supports 50/50 custody but ‘evidence that the child or children have been or are being cared for by someone else primarily while in a parent’s custody’ can be considered as neglectful.
So sorry that you’re in this fix; it’s no damned fun!
I don't have much to add to
I don't have much to add to what's been said already. Except that I feel your pain from reading this. How your partner is acting is despicable to say the least. He's putting his first family first and top priority while shunning his wife and new child. I do hope you get the best lawyer in town, get some advice from them in order to bring him down and gain full custody. The way he treats your child is sad. I would fight for full custody. Please update us how it all goes.