Keeping nice clothes??
Well, I haven’t posted in a long time. I suppose that means things are going well. But my FMIL is driving me a wee bit crazy lately, and I wanted to know if I am overreacting. I have tried extremely hard lately to not be irritated with FMIL. She is the Marie Barone bane of my existence sometimes, but I tell myself that she does indeed mean well, and that she is trying.
She used to watch SD6 all the time. At first it was a matter of convenience. My SO moved in with his mother after his late wife died. He needed help in caring for his young child during this transitional period. She got very used to having her all the time, and loved it. Approximately a year and a half ago they were no longer living with her (thank goodness!), and I moved in a year ago. SD6 still saw FMIL a lot for a while, and would spend the night on a weekly basis while SO was out of town. Slowly, this was transitioned, and she did not see her a ton this summer except now and then, and only a couple overnights. Now, we are at the point where she has her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 4:00PM-6:00PM, and that’s it. She may get her for an overnight, but this is no more than a once a month thing.
That’s the backstory. My issue is with her feeling the need to keep some of SD6’s clothing there. If she feels the need to have clothing, fine. So be it. Keep old shirts, or buy some of your own. But my problem is when she keeps nice shirts that I JUST bought for her, and I don’t see them again. I hadn’t really noticed it before, but I’ve started noticing it now, and it makes me so angry. There are a couple shirts I used to love that I haven’t seen in ages. Then a couple months ago she returned an adorable dress for her that I bought a long time ago and haven’t seen in about a year that no longer fits and is broken. A month ago, we sent her over to spend the night, and she never returned the cute pjs that I loved that I had bought not that long ago.
But I didn’t say anything. It’s not a big deal right? But then yesterday, she had her from 4-6pm, and she gave her a bath (why?) and returned her in some old clothes. She had been wearing a brand new super cute outfit that I had just bought her for school that she has only worn that one time. And some part of me thinks that she had her take a bath and change just so she could keep that outfit at her house, and I’ll never see it again. Of course my SO thinks it’s no big deal and that she will wash them and return them. But I don’t think she will.
I guess I’m just wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing, or if I should say something. I would like to message her on Facebook (she messages me often) and simply ask if she could return the outfit. I just don’t know how to say it without starting something, which I don’t want to do. I’d like to avoid conflict if possible, but at the same time, get the clothes that I bought back to our house!
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Use a silly excuse about how
Use a silly excuse about how you want to take pictures of SD in this or that outfit
Perhaps you can buy some
Perhaps you can buy some "cute-ish" outfits/PJ's and drop them off at FMIL's house. It can be Goodwill/Wal-Mart/garage sale items which you loan her "just in case." Consider them gone.
Do ask for the missing outfits because "SD was wanting to wear that pink shirt to school" or whatever ...
I did that with my mother. It helped her to feel involved, engaged and part of my son's life. Life changed and the toddler who loved to visit my mom & dad grew up ... and Mom's dysfunction became more profound as my father became more ill. BS-13 will never have another sleepover at her house, but she keeps a set of PJ's "just in case." I leave some clothes at her house "just in case" he gets wet/cold/muddy etc.
I think that the behaviors by
I think that the behaviors by FMIL are totally normal. I'll bet that SO let his mother act as the mother to his daughter for quite a long time. She stepped up. FMIL definitely feels the weaning away by SD. She probably feels the distance and loss. Keeping some outfits, giving SD a bath are FMIL's way of trying to recreate a previous closeness and to feel connected.
It's not about you. It's about FMIL's feeling of loss.
Ok this is a big deal because
Ok this is a big deal because it is your money being washed down the tubes. You pay for the clothes and you want to enjoy them. I see no problem with you asking for the clothes back but don't do it over Facebook. The next time you drop sd off with fmil, ask politely for the clothes back. If she says they are dirty, reply with a smile and say no big deal, I am going to do laundry today anyways this will give fmil no choice but to give you the clothes back. Then stop sending ad in nice clothes to grandma's house. Send her in play clothes that you don't really care if you get back.
We had this same situation with bm. We would send ss to school on nice school shoes, which are not cheap. Ss would return to our house a week later and the shoes were destroyed or she had kept them! Dh asked ss why his brand new shoes were ruined and ss said that bm wanted ss to wear these shoes whenever he went out to play with his friends in the dirt. She didn't want "her" shoes ruined. Dh asked bm to split the cost of the shoes. She flipped out. So now on bm's week, we send a cheap, outdoor pair of shoes that we could care less about getting back. If bm complains, we tell her to supply her own damn shoes!
Thanks for the responses. I
Thanks for the responses.
I have no problem with FMIL keeping some clothes and/or pjs at her house. It's just the ones that she specifically decides to keep. It is typically something brand new that I have just purchased that I really like and wanted to get for SD6.
HA!! You have good taste in
HA!! You have good taste in clothing and FMIL is demonstrating that she likes your clothing picks for SD. It's a massive compliment. (snort)
How does SD come back to you?
How does SD come back to you? Do you pick her up, does DH, or does FMIL drop her off?
If you pick her up, just take a moment to ask for her clothes before you go. "FMIL, can you grab SD's outfit so I can take it with me?" Leave it to her to explain why you shouldn't take clothes you bought for a child you're caring for with you...
Otherwise, the days she goes to FMIL, she wears old clothes. Or, just once, send her to visit MIL wearing that old, broken, no-longer-fitting dress.
why not just be straight up
why not just be straight up with her next time you see her? "FMIL, i'm gonna need back xyz outfit and abc pj's next week mmmmkay? thaaaaanks!!"
I would be aggravated as
I would be aggravated as well. I agree with the advice you were given by others and ask her in person when you are at her house for the clothes back. That way there are no excuses. My MIL is the opposite, she buys SD5 all sorts of clothes and every time we go over there she's giving us stuff to take home!
This is really neither here
This is really neither here nor there on what you've actually posted for, but my 2cents anyway...
" Now, we are at the point where she has her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 4:00PM-6:00PM, and that’s it. She may get her for an overnight, but this is no more than a once a month thing."
I wouldn't like this schedule at all as a grandmother. What an awkward time. Two lousy hours three days a week after-school. Typical homework time and while I'd normally be trying to prepare the evening meal in the kitchen. A meal, by the way, the kid wouldn't even be able to stay and enjoy with me as she's whisked away at 6pm. If I couldn't have the kid for a couple Friday overnights or afternoon and overnight on Saturday so child and I could do fun things together, meh, keep your kid. I'm not around to be the after-school babysitter and tutor .
Like I said, just my two cents that jumped out at me while reading what you wrote.
As to the kept clothing? Simply ask for the outfit. When Dad or you pick her up nd see clothes are switched as in the latest incident, ask for them right then. 'MIL, I'll need the outfit kid wore to school to take home now, I want to get it in the wash'.
I agree Grandma had an active
I agree
Grandma had an active Hans in helping her son raise his child. Now she's nothing more than a part time sitter.
My mom has a ton of my nieces and nephews clothes at her house. If my sister notices something is missing, she will call our mom and ask if it's there.
Grandma may have the kid change because she's afraid you will get angry if she gets dirty.
If y'all have a set schedule
If y'all have a set schedule for when she goes to Grandma's then on those days dress her in cheap decent clothes. We had this issue with BM; on the days she picks him up for her weekend he goes in hand-me-downs or the 5$ plain tshirts from target. During August when it was still 50/50 and she picked him up from school I dressed him in simple Target clothes; when I send him to school now that pick him up everyday he goes in his usual Oshkosh, old navy and Gap clothes. I understand your frustration though, I've lost countless dollars during the winter with jackets, hoodies, nice sweaters and jeans. Now the only thing she keeps are socks so we buy basic white socks now too and when I can't find a match I just tell myself "its not like BM is wearing them! SS is and if my contribution makes him look less like a bum at the end of the day then that's okay."