Eeek what to do
So SD 11 saw the caller id when BM called a few weeks ago which just happens to read "Whore". I'm not sure but i think she knows what that is/means. So today when BM picked up the kids one of them "accidentally" brought the phone. So BM comes to the door around 1 (i was at work but BF was home). BF answers the door and SD says "SS13 accidentally brought the phone" and she runs off, then BM hands the phone to BF and says "i don't care if you have that in your cell phone but take it off there i don't want the kids to see it". NOW... I know that it is inappropriate and that the kids shouldn't have to see that, so before you all start chewing me out let me explain. First, i want to know why the skids were not in school. Second, SD should have come to us and talked to us about it. Third, the skids are not supposed/allowed to use the phones without our supervision. We have two phones, if we want them to make a phone call we give them the one that doesn't have that programmed. Fourth, it is not her business what is in our phone. I know some will say it is because it is badmouthing her and that would be true if it were not a rule that they don't touch the phones. That's like if BF or I kept a journal about all of the friends that BM cheated on BF with and the skids read our journal, how is that our fault. Anyway, if the skids are touching the phone they aren't supposed to touch they are just as likely to touch the cell phone that they are not supposed to touch. Not to mention she does stuff like tell the skids to lie to BF. Now i know that just because she does slimebag stuff doesn't mean that us sinking to her level is right, but we aren't, it's not payback and we aren't trying to get back at her through the skids. It was a pure accident. If we wanted the skids to think badly of her we could, trust me. Plus it was in there since they originally got divorced 4 years ago and they haven't seen it until now. I hate that she saw it because it must make her feel horrible, especially because she doesn't know the history.
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It will be ok
I think you and DH should tell your SD and SS, that they are young and there are things that they are too young to understand and that are private matters for adults only.
When they are older if they have any questions about the relationship/divorce between DH and BM, you will be glad to discuss it with them then, but for now it is an adult matter that is personal to DH and furthermore an adult matter that is not for children to concern themselves with, i.e. 'none of your business' if you get pressed - sorry, it is true. There is plenty of time for them to learn about life later but for now they just need to worry about school and being a kid, because they have you two to cover the adult matters.
As to when to discuss I would say 18 unless they go wild sooner and demand information. If they do, I would give it to them and not protect BM, but not just bash her. I would only protect her if she never badmouths DH to your kids, I am not familiar with your situation. But she is behind this and like you say, if they followed the rules in the first place, they would never have been exposed to this. Also it would be interesting to know why they weren't in school, etc.
One thing I would not do is fall all over yourself apologizing, etc. unless it is an unfair name and from what you said it isn't. To me apologizing to kids and begging forgiveness etc. when you are innocent (or look for some aspect to apologize to them on because they are mad) only weakens their perception of your role as the leader they need in their lives and the above should be sufficient. I would follow the standard, 'least said, soonest mended'.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Honey
And take that off of your phone. The kids are older now. I understand it's an accident, but no matter how you justify it, it's something the kids COULD see / hear. If the shoe were on the other foot... if BM had a phone and the kids accidently saw your number and the word WHORE come up and they asked DH about it... Just exactly how would you feel? You wouldn't give one lick about the "whys" , you'd care that step children were not exposed to it.
BM is programmed in my cell phone as
Satan. Of course, SD never uses my phone. And your SK's weren't supposed to be on yours. It's like them picking the lock on your bedroom door and coming in and catching you and your DH in the act. I think that is a fair comparison! They weren't supposed to be in the phone anyways.....it wasn't like you were saying, hey I think your mom is a whore. No, if they would have done what they were told then they wouldn't have seen it. JMO.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
well....my 2 cents....
was it yurs and DH's right to have that on yur phone?....sure....was it hurtful for yur stepkids to see?....of course....as a child of an alcoholic father, I know how hurtful it is to hear bad things about a parent.....even if they are true....and TRUST ME...they will hold that against u and DH until they get much older and let it go........I did........I think u have to remember that regardless of yurs or DH's feelings, this woman is still their mother, and u have to know there was a chance they would see that in the phone....my skids definately know who their mother is as a person, they don't need me to add salt to their wounds....JMO, of course....
"there are three sides to every story....your side, my side and the truth :)"
I would never put BM in my
I would never put BM in my phone, but DH has her as "BM" in his phone. I'd like to put "the felon" or "whore" too...but he wouldn't like those words in his phone, he doesn't talk like that.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I wouldn't sweat over it too much.
The next time the kids are over, just tell them that it was programed in a long time ago when you and DH were angry about something, and you had "forgotten" all about it. If they tell you that they were hurt over it, I'd apoligize (try not to smile!).
I would also let SD13 know (and yes - she is old enoough) that what happens at your house stays at your house. If she has any questions or concerns, she should come to you or DH. Her taking the phone outside to show her mother tells me that she has no respect for you or DH. All she succeeded in showing her BM the phone was #1- making you and DH look 'bad' to her mother, and #2-'hurting' her BM's feelings.
Now excuse me while I think up a good name for our BM to program into the phone! Thanks for the idea!
Lol
I thank you all for your responses. Lastnerve that's exactly what BF pointed out that she doesn't know her boundaries if she thinks it's okay to walk out of our house to "tattle" on us. And then i thought about what was she trying to accomplish by it. I don't know what she could be trying to get out of "getting us in trouble" i mean what is she gonna do? and in addition to that what else is she getting? Hurting/bothering/upsetting BM? (not possible of course) Yes she is very deserving of the name (and not just because i hate her) and I don't plan on telling them until they are 18. I do realize that she is still their mom and we did know that they may someday see it i suppose we just didn't think far ahead enough to think about how to address it. Oh and LOL i just re read my original post and i meant i hate that SD11 saw it because it must make HER feel horrible, not BM. I WISH it made her feel horrible.
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege"
I'm sure she will get
rewarded by BM for "tattling" on you. That's usually how it works. BM will now do/give something that SD wants. It's to encourage SD to continue telling BM what is going on in your home and in your lives.
You and DH need to reinforce to SD that what happens in your house STAYS in your house, or this will be a never ending cycle. I would definately NOT let this slide with SD.
We have....
We have our cell phone programed to play IM FAT by Weird Al, and comes up psychobitch.
All thought the kids dont use our cell phones and have no idea what they say. We still get a great chuckle at her expense everytime she calls