Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. 

It sounds as though DH is going to fight me on the home, so I may be having to find a rental soon. I've been caring for my bios and our home full time since the start of the pandemic, and working part time. I want to throttle DH. Even before the pandemic, I did the bulk of the household work and childcare while working full time.

He's a special kind of ahole.

Hi All - I thought I'd log back in for an update. I left my ex three years ago and counting. It was a brutal divorce, and I've been dragged back into court several times. I was given primary custody and my bio kids go EOWE to see their Dad. He has continued to be an absolutely difficult, manipulative coparent, although no surprise there. My former stepkids are grown, my ex continues to be his daughter's party buddy and narcissistic supply. The benefits of leaving: 

• I don't have to deal with my ex on a day to day basis and my kids do not have to deal with him outside visitation.
• My ex cannot pick fights with me, berate me, or obsessively follow me around the minute he walks through the door or wakes up in the morning.  Getting away from him was the right decision.
• The only way my ex can get to me is through email or a lawyer. I can leave the emails until the end of the day or week unless its something urgent regard the kids. 
• I have my own home that is fully alarmed that my ex cannot enter, although I have permitted him to do some on special occasions for the kids with other family present.
• My time with my children is mine, and not subject to their father's behaviors. 
• My children's time with their Dad is fixed and they know they always come home at the end of a weekend. They have issues with him for the aformentioned reasons, although I do think he is a better parent (althought not a great one) than spouse. Both kids are in therapy to deal with their father, and the issues of having two households. 

The negatives of leaving: 

• Ex will play every game he can despite our court order (allow mother to speak to children daily; do not disparage other parent). This upsets the kids and I have threatened court, or had my lawyer send a letter, when he doesn't quit it. 
• We split holidays, so I do miss seeing the kids on those occasions - this has been hard all around. 
• Not being able to parent during my ex's time is tough and the transition days require patience. As the kids get older, we have been able to talk through this and what they need on those days. 
• While I didn't have a reliable partner when I was with my ex, I could get him to help with errands or fixes in the house on occasion. Since I don't have that, I've found a trusted handyman, and my family helps with my kids. I also found a remote position.
• Legal fees are expensive. Holy cow!
• Dealing with a narcisstic in court was awful, because he came off as the victim and can be very charming/convincing. 

Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely, I would leave, and if anything, I see now I should have left far sooner. It is what it is.  I am grateful that I documented everything and kept it organized as that helped a lot for court, especially things like the timeline of major events linked to emails/texts/pictures.  If I were to do it over again, I would have ignored the emails from my ex that were filled with threats, accusations, etc because they were inconsequential - no need to respond to those. I would have kept it to just the facts/planning/negotiated topics. I also would not have emailed my lawyer so much, but instead summarized anything urgent or significant. The little things that are irrelevant to divorce and custody just rack up a large bill. 

All the best!