Feels good to find a site where I am able to anonymously blog exactly what I am thinking, without the guilt of hurting my family, or feeling like a my friends will think I am a terrible person. I often think that I am the only one who dislikes their SC and that I am a terrible person for even contemplating the fact I almost despise him.
But the fact is I am tired of playing happy families. We have our SS every other weekend. When he is here I find difficult to even get out of bed. I am trapped there, its uncomfortable with him in the house. I can hear him and my DH talking and going about there normal weekend breakfast chats, and I start feeling alienated already, then I am stuck there for the rest of the day. I already know that when I get up the talking will stop, the egg shells will start cracking under my feet and I will get a solemn "morning" from my SS. DH husband is oblivious to any changes and tells me I am imagining things when I try to explain how I feel, "of course he loves you, its all ok". Some days I have the energy to pretend that he doesn't get to me and play happy families, that usually will make him worse, then he will start the glare stares at me, or ignoring me completely. So I feel its easier to just shut down and retreat in my room. He always seems happier the more uncomfortable or upset I am. I guess it because he can have his father to himself, no compition. I never wanted to fight for attention. I never wanted to come between my DH and his son. I still don't. I am sure there are other SP out there with harder situations than this, or worse abusive situations. I try to make that make me feel grateful, but I cant seem to hold it for long.
I read information about SP'ing before getting married, my husband and I fought lots. He is loving kind man and will give anything and everything to anyone. He feels constant guilt for leaving BM when his child was only one year old. BM has since had 4 more children with her current partner. They are not the nicest people around, and I would never have chosen to be their friends if I met them in a different situation, but she loves her son, and to me that is the main thing. DH tried to made it up by being the most lenient father I have ever meet. He is better now through reading step parenting books and trying to make us both happy. I really thought things where better and that we were really going to be a happy family. I had all these unobtainable visions in my head of the three of us happily doing family stuff together, I still have them occasionally. But I know the reality is this will never happen. SS is so passive aggressive when I am around he makes sure I don't forget. They are the family, I just happen to be there.
I rock between wanting a child of our own, and not having children at all. I feel like crying when I see Mums with there little babies, and can no longer walk down the baby isle in the supermarket, I really just want my own family, not just the third wheel on one. But I am afraid that if we have a child now, SS will resent him more than he does me, I just don't think I could trust him in the same house as my own child. Then I hate myself for thinking this of a child! What happens if we have a child and I hate them too?