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So much bad advice out there...

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 5:02pm

I recently read on a Steparenting website that Stepmothers need to love more and give more. That it is selfish to want something in return for love...such as appreciation etc. What a joke. This made me mad.

These supposed 'Step parenting experts' are just adding to the guilt that stepmoms already feel. From what I know, stepmoms give so much and get nothing in return. They experience all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. No mother's day cards, no birthday phone calls, and after a day of loving this beautiful family... we sit alone at the one end of the couch while the kids and DH cuddle on the other. Or is that just me...

I think everyone wants something in return for love. Even BM's want a cuddle from time to time, or an 'I love you' right? Why do stepmoms have to feel selfish for wishing they could get the same kind of response? Its human nature and natural to want to experience love in return. Grrr...

Comments

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 5:21pm

I LOVE your honesty! So many stepmoms run into the ground physically and emotionally Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 9:17am

you should tell that therapist that you know a woman who is not the mother of some random kids, but she takes them shopping, makes sure they have clothes, food, haircuts, is more concerned than the actual parents of these kids and see what she says.

She would say something like "what a freak! Why would someone do such things for kids who aren't even theirs? And, where are those kids' parents?"

Bazinga, bitch. Bazinga!

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 6:13pm

I agree with the "love more but expect nothing" IF the child is younger than 2 years old. Otherwise - just utter BS.

The Tyrant's picture

Submitted by The Tyrant on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 6:59pm

I agree, its the same for step dads too! I raise hell all the time that step parents are expected to have all of the responsibility and accountability of a parent but none of the good things that come with being one. I feel step parents deserve MORE recognition and appreciation but we really dont have to do whatever we do. Also, we dont get the respect that the child gives the bio parents. They look at us as that guy or girl who does whatever the bio ask them to do for me and whatever they ask me to do i can completely disregard because he or she isnt my parent. They may as well change the title from stepparent to concierge!

The Tyrant's picture

Submitted by The Tyrant on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 7:07pm

I'm in a silent war right now with the wife because I have asked her keep me out doing anything for him and to call his dad for assistance because although I may get a "thanks" or a pat on the head when i do something for ss14 when bio-dad ask her do something or he changes his plans at the last minute she cant tell him "too bad, your problem..." she just does whatever he needs and it falls back on me and time and plans are never considered! So because i cant get the same consideration, dont aske me to do anything. Ss14 has an early morning school club meeting on Saturday and she has a work meeting or something... better call his dad!

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 5:31pm

Actually, I feel like i too am in a silent war with my DH. I love this family so much, but i can't love them anymore at the expense of myself. So i have begun to 'ignore' alot of what is going on and suddenly i'm 'busy' when he needs me. They say ' i don't expect you to do anything' and make us feel like being there was our choice, therefore our stresses is our own fault. But all of a sudden hubby has to take the kids with him to golf and on short runs to the shop, and hubby has to nag and nag and nag to get the kids to the dinner table now. Where i used to have the responsibility but was never appreciated by DH for it and just resented by the skids for it all, Ive now backed away. Its so tough on us but Im standing my ground.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Submitted by HappilySelfish679 on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 7:41pm

They sure didn't interview ME for that book Lol - I do shit for skids and DH is my Slave ! Stop giving without getting in return . Just because you are a SM, doesn't mean you have to be Mother Teresa .

The Tyrant's picture

Submitted by The Tyrant on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 7:56pm

Agreed. I stopped giving and noticed they learned to get done what was needed without me. They are good and now I am too. When ppl dont appreciate what you do it isnt because they are bad people, its because they are actually strong enough people to do it themselves and who am I to take that away from them by trying to it for them?!?!? LOL!

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 5:35pm

Exactly! I am definitely not giving anymore at the expense of my own needs. And its good for kids to know they should be grateful in life anyway. Say thanks for dinner and clean up after yourself are two skills will be useful for them. Giving more and lovng more was the worst advice i ever heard, i hope the stepoms reading it just ignored it..

WTF...REALLY's picture

Submitted by WTF...REALLY on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 7:56pm

I had to stop giving too much. I went above and beyond the last couple of years to no avail. At the end of the day it seems like kids will just crawl back up their mothers ass no matter how crappy of a parent they are.

I just don't really care anymore. Kinda lost it for her. I don't care if she likes me or not anymore. Leave me alone and go call your mom. Smile

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 5:36pm

exactly!

The Tyrant's picture

Submitted by The Tyrant on Wed, 01/20/2016 - 8:00pm

Abso-freaking-lutely! I've learned that the less the skid likes me, the less he ask me for stuff or to do stuff for him, and the less he hangs around outside his room.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 8:29am

"do not take it personal when they call you a whore...." :jawdrop: Of course you shouldn't take it personally *eye roll.*

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 5:39pm

lol! "Expecting step children to treat you well because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you're a vegetarian." Best advice EVER!!! HA HA ...FUNNY BUT TRUE!

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 6:31am

I tried reaching out to people about how to work on SD's behavior problems. She was 4 1/2 at the time and had been living with us full time for 2 years. I was called every name in the book and told I need to be understanding because "poor poor SD" is trying to cope with the fact that her parents split up and she no longer lives with her mother and she is acting out because she can't cope with it.

Ummmm......at that point SD had been living with us for 2 years and her parents split when she was like 3 months old. She doesn't know what it's like to have her parents living together. And at what point is it acceptable to expect her to stop acting like a feral animal? At some point "she is trying to cope with the changes in her life that she doesn't understand" is no longer a valid excuse. Two months after her mother gave her up? Sure. 2 years? Hell, no. She needs to get with the program.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 6:38am

There are times where you just have to remind yourself that a lot of people are idiots. It can be a lonely world, but it's less frustrating than trying to have converations with bricks.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 8:34am

ss30 still acts like a "feral animal," this is post 10 years after his parents divorce. People are still making excuses for him. Societal expectations have swung from one extreme to another. The fact that it's ok for a grown man to be coddled for over a decade now because his parents got a divorce is disturbing.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 9:29am

Same here, Learning. When DH got custody, the skids were 8, 10 and 12. They are now 13, 15 and 17. For the last 4 years, all I have heard is that I need to give then time to adjust. Uh - NOPE!!!

a couple months, okay, sure. But four freaking years?? Nuh-uh. No way.

i am a stepmother's picture

Submitted by i am a stepmother on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 5:44pm

So true! The concept that sometimes kids have behavourial problems that AREN'T linked to divorce seems lost on these people.

StepLady's picture

Submitted by StepLady on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 10:21am

It came down to I am the wife not the hired help, you better find someone. I find someone to help me with DD when needed. Not so hard. If I get called to fill in at work I find a sitter and go, I do not ask DH to leave his business and take care of DD. We have stuck to this for over a year now and it is working wonderfully for all of us. I won't parent kids that are not mine when they do not apreciate it or make me uncomfortable. I can pick up here or there if I am so inclined but I have every right to not drop what I am doing and give myself and my time anymore. There is only above and beyond for me when it is comes to my dd, my marriage and my own emotional well being.