Your daughter shouldn't necessarily get the "best of him"... I mean, you can't ignore or erase the fact that he has a daughter already.  You can't tell him that it's wrong for him to feel sadness and regret for the fact that he wasn't able to have the kind of relationship that he thinks he wanted with her.  But, he should be the best dad he can be.

Nothing you say he said gives any indication that he is reluctant or afraid to have a relationship with your daughter.  It's entirely possible for him to be thrilled about your child and excited to be a dad.. while still regretting the choices and circumstances made around his first daughter.

I think my concern might be that even now.. when he still has access to his daughter.. he isn't a great dad. Doesn't spend time with her etc.. He is likely to do the same with your child to an extent.  It's not unusual for people to somewhat rewrite history or to adjust facts to fit the narrative they want to believe.  He obviously carries some guilt in part, because he likely could have done more in the past and didn't... perhaps he wants to be a better parent.. but perhaps that isn't something he is really capable of doing?

It's like me wanting a neater house and making all sorts of excuses why my house isn't but at the root of it.. even when I had less going on.. I was still messy...lol

I have 2 SKids from DH.  We haven't seen SS16 for 3 years, he has since dropped out of school and is supposedly living with " a friend" and doesn't live with BM anymore either.  I disengaged a long time ago and basically so has DH.  SD12 lives with us full time and only sees her BM EOWE.  It is same BM for both kids. SS went to live with her for a while and realized it wasn't the paradise he thought it was. My DH and I have 4 year old son together and honestly I think it is "his second chance" too.  He had very toxic relationship with BM and was in the military for most of their marriage.  He got out, tried to have a normal family with SD12, but divorced when she was 2. BM likes to party and be a bar fly and has no times to be a real mom.  Fast forward 2 years and we started to date and I think one of the things he loves about me the most is how much I care about my family and am a hands on mother.  He is a super amazing dad and goes above and beyond.  It's a big change for me b/c my older kids BF worked all the time and when he wasn't working he was at the bar or hunting/fishing.  Let him be excited b/c it is a new chance, but I would definately put my foot down when when comparisons start.  Every kid is different and certainly your family dynamic is way different then the one he had with the BM and your SD.

Saying this in the most gentle way...

I think you're being a little hard on him. A new baby is an exciting time when it's your first, but he still has the reality of another daughter with whom he doesn't have an ideal relationship. I imagine this pregnancy does bring up a lot of unhappy memories for your husband. His first relationship FAILED, which resulted in him being marginalized as a parent. And he still has SD in his life, but it's not the relationship he'd like it to be because he can't go back in time. This might be the one time him feeling guilty and regretful about that should be tolerated and maybe even supported.

Given what you wrote, it doesn't sound as if he was comparing the two kids or experiences as much as wishing things had been different, and who doesn't do that? For those of us without kids, it's a lot easier to move on from a failed marriage -- the separation is cleaner, permanent and without strings. But your husband and mine have constant reminders that their failed marriage affected a third person and how can't that be difficult?

By talking about how he's feeling, he's giving you a chance to set the tone and expectation for how you want him to experience this pregnancy and baby. Harness that. Tell him it will be different this time, better, and it might even bring all of you closer, including SD, if you and he handle it right.

My guess is he was just thinking outloud and probably didn't think what he said would draw from your excitement. Don't let it draw from your excitement, but let him express what he's feeling. It's better than keeping it bottled up, so don't shut him down. Use what he's saying to stoke his excitement and assure him this is an opportunity for everyone.

We women express ourselves endlessly and we complain that men don't. So be glad he's talking.

And as great as this is for you, it's unfair to expect him not to have some memories of what was surely a painful experience with his first relationship and child. Be there for him. Soon the new baby will be here and those negative memories will be back where they belong -- in the past.

Maybe comparing wasn't the word she meant to use. 

What I got out of it is when she tried to be excited about THEIR baby, he kept bringing up SD and associated regrets.

OP wants to enjoy HER pregnancy, baby and being a 1st time mom without always hearing things about SD (probably negative or positive). 

OP - I get it. And you SHOULD be able to talk about baby without ALWAYS hearing about SD (especially the negative and/or intimate details of the pregnancy).

I think you should address it, as gentle as possible, when it happens again. 

Stop. This isn't a competition. You certainly can't expect "solidarity" with him on loving or caring about nor parenting your little bundle over his first daughter. 

Sure this is your first. You're excited. You already know you do not love SD really except in the 'wanting what's best for her in life' sort of way. But what "solidarity" are you wanting? That he'll love within his heart your baby over the older child? Or that he'll somehow think the birth of your child is somehow more 'special' than the birth of his first child? Or that, what? He won't look back over the years and miss the little girl his oldest use to be? 

You brought the subject up. The last time SD will hold his hand or blah blah. Then got mad at him when you set him off reminiscing. 

Sure your baby is a second chance to do better as a parent and spend more time with the baby than he got to with SD. It is a second chance. He was like twenty-ish when he had SD. He was working as a chain restaurant whatever, doing perhaps minium wage and drinking and drugs. 

He's not the same as he was then. He's hopefully smarter, has more finances, and isn't the young dope he was the first time around. 

Doesn't mean he 'loves' this new child best. Simply means he is more mature. He's something like 10 years older than you are. If you're still having babies at mid-thirty something, trust me, you will not be the exact same parent to yet another baby then as you will be to this first one. But nothing in your heart will love baby # 2 or 3 or 4 any less or more than baby #1. 

I think you are experiencing one of the hardest parts of being a stepmom and second/third/fourth wife.  To me, the most disappointing thing about being a stepmom was how my DH was so blase about my pregnancies.  He had two kids (one boy, one girl) before we married and while he ADORES our children, there was no magic left in the pregnancy phase.  Even when I expressed that I NEEDED him to fake it, he just flat out couldn't/wouldn't.  

I want to say that, while it was hard at the time, and still makes my heart twinge for how I felt at the time, my husband is an amazing father to his children. He adores them and there is no "second class" station for them as his "second family."  He just loves them and cherishes the time he has with them.  That is what is most important to me.

Remember, this baby is his, too. This is also his experience, and your experiences are going to be very different because this is your first and his second. Your feelings aren't any more valid just because they are your first and happy. His sadness about what he missed the first time is just as valid as your happiness.

If You expect him to act like this is his first, you're going to set yourself up for disappointment. You can't make him not talk about SD when you bring up the topic of kids because he has 2.

I was pregnant with our daughter, DH said he will never love another child like he loves SD11... that hurt so much!  Especially since our baby is actually his 3rd daughter.... he doesn’t have a relationship with his 23yo daughter... in fact after 3 years I finally met her last weekend.... I also have a 5yo son.  He really did take away from my pregnancy joy in many ways! But I will say, now that she is here? She is 16mo he is obsessed with her and such a great daddy to her and there is no question with how much he loves her.  He is home with her during the day and he actually has more time with her than he ever did SD...

please try to enjoy your pregnant and know when baby gets here he will love and care for her and since he has more time with her, he will probably be closer to her than SD