Ready to run away
I am chilling in the living room and SD asks when we are "getting" breakfast. I tell her we have yogurt, apples, oatmeal with brown sugar, toaster strudel, and boxed mac n cheese with bacon- this was after 11am. I already ate leftover chili from my sister's dinner last night. Oh, she also brought home 3 sopapillas from dinner.
She decides on mac n cheese after yogurt and asks me to help her. Sure. I show her how to light the stove, tell her to fill the pot, add some salt, add pasta after boiling, turn heat down, stir every few minutes to keep pasta from sticking, drain, return to pan, mix, enjoy. She did do this all herself minus lighting the stove.
She puts the entire thing into a bowl to eat. I wouldn't eat any, but she didn't offer me any, by the way. I tell her to clean the pot and rinse the scrubber to remove the cheese. I go in the kitchen about an hour later and what do I see?
You guessed it! The scrubber with bacon bits and cheese soaking into it and a cheese crusted pot. I almost had a meltdown. Cheese was also all over the counter from where she mixed it. In anger, I grab the scrubber, rinse it, scrub the counter and stove of the nasty cheese, rinse the cheese out of the pot with scalding water and gather myself.
I knock on her door about 5 minutes later, enter, and tell her that she did not do what was asked of her. But, oh, she "tried". Well, sweetheart, you didn't try hard enough. I calmy explain to her that when she makes a mess, she is to clean up ALL of it and to leave things the way she found them. She is going to be in high school soon, then college, and she needs to be a little more attentive to detail as to be courteous to the people she lives with. How does she respond? Blank stare. I remained calm and closed her door after telling her that she knows her rooms needs to be tidied, her trash taken out, and bathed so she is ready to go to BM for the week. I had DH tell her too because she is just that lazy and will listen to him if he reinforces what I say.
I am FUMING and am going to give myself an ulcer or aneurysm or something that isn't good for my health like 5 gallons of alcohol! Hubby says again that she needs a "chore list" and to understand why she needs to be considerate of others.
I just want her to go home. I heard BM's annoying voice on speaker before this whole incident and asked SD what the plan is after the call ended. "Oh she didn't say when she wants me home". Remember all, no CO, just verbal exchanges right now. BM has to work tomorrow so I think SD is trying to stay until BM gets off tomorrow. I just want a night alone with hubby. I don't know if I even want to be around him, though. I can't take another day of her airheadedness and dismissive attitude toward me. We used to get along really well!
Oh yeah, tomorrow is Mother's Day and I just get a big F U for trying to make her into a responsible adult and human being in general. No one I know in real life knows or would care about SM's day. I don't know if I even care about recognition any more. She is not my kid, but we definitely have a problem. I need a nap.
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What I would have done (I’ve
What I would have done (I’ve been through teen years with a bio):
* Upon seeing the state of the kitchen after she cooked, and finished eating, I would have knocked on her bedroom door, guided her to the kitchen, and delegated step-by-step how she is going to clean up the dishes and scrubber, while I stood there. Maybe dad should enroll her in cooking 101 classes?
* CO or not, in all reality a child really **should** be with her mom on Mother’s Day, and not at dad’s. Generally, COs put this in there to the effect of child with dad on Father’s Day Sunday, child with mother on Mother’s Day Sunday, etc... etc. Who freaking cares that BM has to work? This could be an excuse for all you guys know. If I was her dad, I’d tell the BM to plan accordingly then. To arrange childcare (or not - and this is NOT to include him) and that BM can spend either the beginning or the end of her work day on Sunday with skid. At this point, BM is wiggling her way out of the next 24 hours, locking you and your DH down with SD, when in all actuality BM should be with her on either side of her work schedule. Let me guess, is BM going to want SD home an hour or two before her bedtime on Sunday?
This is one of those times where your DH needs to dig his heels in the sand and enforce SD to be with her mom, or rather vice versa.
I was already in a weird mood
I was already in a weird mood this morning so her mess just made me react and freak out. Messes that are easily avoidable drive me insane and my control freak self just acted. I am sick of DH and BM getting unconditional love, but lately, I don't get more than 2 words from SD unless she wants something. I AM the evil SM now.
And DH will never stand up to BM. She picked SD up 2 weeks ago and no one told DH. He didn't say a word to BM about not informing him. He will never make SD do anything she doesn't want to and this nonsense with BM will surely continue until SD ages out. I have entered Step Hell and I am regretting sticking it out this long. The stress will go down when she ages out, right?
Most likely not. It will just
Most likely not. It will just turn into the ridiculous BS you read of in the “adult stepchildren” forum. That is, unless your DH finds his voice and spine between now and then.
DH needs to get
A CO and a spine. I remember those "on the fly" days...yuck!!!
What momjeans suggested OR,
What momjeans suggested OR, DH cleans it up, OR, SD can no longer cook anything that's such a mess to clean up.
If you want things to change,
If you want things to change, you have to change. Where was DAD when she wanted food? Next time and every time she needs help, send her to DAD. He needs to be aware of and deal with how damn helpless she acts. Next time and every time she leaves a mess, tell DAD. "SD made a mess in the _____. Please take care of it."
You enable his shit parenting every time you do things like this and it only makes you angry.
You have mentioned that your dad never made you do chores and such...do you think that ever made your SM a tad resentful? Are you seeing things differently regarding that yet?
I never said that I never did
I never said that I never did chores? My SM delegrated PLENTY of chores while ssis barely lifted a finger. I also worked 30+hours a week and got good grades. Ssis lost her license at 16 until she was 18 for wrecking SM's car while super stoned.
Sorry. I must have confused
Sorry. I must have confused you with another poster.
My take
So DH and BM act like a couple while raising their daughter. They allow each other and trust each other to do whatever they want because they want to do it this way. So why are they not still together? That is how I would put it to DH. "You live with me not her. If you want to not discuss who is coming and going in our home, which would be a common courtesy, with more than 24 hrs notice then I am making alternative plans. Your daughter is not growing into a responsible adult. She is helpless which makes her a drain on society and a PITA to live with. YOU parent her. YOU cook her meals and clean up after her. YOU fail to communicate to your WIFE what is going on and YOU continue to run scared of BM because she must be a damned sight more scary than me, the woman you profess to love and sleep with and washes your dirty underwear and socks. Not attractive at all. Thank God you aren't my knight in shining armour because the way BM p/sses all over you you would be rusty and unable to protect me from maurauding hoardes!"
Do not clean up after her,
Do not clean up after her, ever. I know this is hard. My SD14 was exactly the same. Read my blogs. I used to march her upstairs and stand there while she cleaned. In fact, I had to teach her how to clean dishes in the first place because BM and DH did it all for her!
Now if she leaves them I leave them for DH because I'm just done. She also hardly ever shows up, so yay me! The last thing she did was leave all the mac n cheese trash all over the counter because she didn't want to put the trash liner in the trash bin. So I left it all for DH.
You just have to leave it. I know it's mentally painful. Or, what I have also done is clean the stuff then put it away so it is out of use. If no one else cleans it then no one else uses it then. If it's left out for 24 hrs or more it gets put in the donation bin because no one must need it. DH has replaced glasses, bowls and forks due to this. It's working...less issues, but then again it could be because SD14 is not here...
Rule One of behavior
Rule One of behavior modification: change the way you respond to their behavior.
SD got what she wanted: you cleaning up after her. Next time either leave the mess, or get her and have her clean it again and again until you are satisfied, and then tack on another chore for her wasting your time. Cleaning dishes isn't rocket science, she can and should figure it out if she has to.