I have a step daughter 11 whom lives with us. I WAS stupid! I used to have her bathed, fed, paid for her school uniforms and clothes, corrected her behaviour etc etc etc until one day I realised that actually this kid was just one big pain in butt that I was totally responsible for! She was onto a winner I was onto a loser. Funnily enough she wouldn't do as she was told for me, constantly lying and manipulating and getting me more and more pissed off. I don't like her, I don't want to be her mother. She has one.
She also has a father whom is into a winner, he doesn't have to pay for her food, or cook for her . Daddy can sit back and relax whilst I deal with his brat and get more and more unhappy and fed up.
I then found out about Disengagement !!
I now have very little to do with her.
I am no longer in a position that she can manipulate me, she has no power over this home anymore.
Her father is completely responsible for her.
He cooks her meals, he does her washing. If she doesn't bath or wash her hair it's not my problem. If she leaves her mess around I put it on the stairs to go into her room on way to bed. If she doesn't take it up it will be put In the bin.... "Even my iPhone?" She said. I replied that was the end of the conversation. I wasn't going to get Into her manipulative conversation where she wants to fill her head with how bad I would be for doing that to her. Just take your stuff to your room.
One thing I have learned is you have to drop your standards and remember it's up to him how he wishes to bring his child up.
Every holiday we have been on in our camper she has been a total nightmare. Sulking, not joining in, being greedy, sarcastic despite me warning her of consequences (I hadn't disengaged correctly then) I have told my OH I will not be going on holiday with her next year. I might manage overnight or the weekend at a push. We will go away when she visits her mother.i have no guilt about this as she clearly does not enjoy our holidays to act like that!
It seems like when we are together she gets worse. I really feeling better and am getting g very strong now, guilt used to take over. This kid doesn't need another parent, she has 2. I feel much less stressed and in a better place to have the mental space for my own little one.
She can't make me shout or get me pissed off she has no power to upset me, I make no decisions about her and I am free of her and her problems.
Funnily enough her father is now seeing her for what she has become and her game plan of playing her dad and getting away with everything with him is getting tiresome for him. She is now being parented by the correct person.