You ladies were right and Im sorry for being a naive asshole...
I am not looking forward to the next 16 years...not at all. It could just be the PMS talking but I feel like I am losing my effing mind!
Before I moved in to this house it was a MESS! As in strictly bachelor pad zone, beer bottles, 2 inches of built up grease on the stove that took THREE steel wools and a bottle of cleaner to take care of, drunk friends passed out on couches because they would come over and party all night ect ect.
Then SD was born, SO tried to clean up the house, painted her room...but he still had roomates and on the days he didnt have SD there would still be drunk assholes passed out on the couches. ok.
I understood, I was 20, he was 24...ok. Then BM started with the crazy, she found out we were dating and took SD away from him....FMIL and I convinced him that he needed to take her to court (he is very non confrontational) and establish a custody order so she couldnt just withhold SD from him when she was "mad".
I was fairly familiar with the system and how custody and all that worked and what would happen once the process started. I also knew that he didnt have a chance in hell at winning if he didnt have help.
So I moved in. I spent a week scrubbing the house from top to bottom, I bought groceries, I started recording EVERYTHING BM did, I went to lawyer meetings with him, I met SD and formed a bond.
Fast forward 2 years and he is useless.
And I am an asshole for enabling him. No really, I feel like an utter asshole. I am 22 and he is 26, I spent my taxs on a brand new kitchen, Ive had yard sales to rid this place of the junk and bought new furniture...this house looks like a home and it is MY doing.
Im not complaining per se, because I am super OCD and I LIKE living in a clean neat home, and I do my best to keep it that way....except Ive been sick the past 2 days so I havent been doing much. I look around, there is a sink FULL of dishes, so many that they wont even all fit in the washer. Laundry hasnt been kept up on...I couldnt take a shower because there are no clean towels, even though I just did an entire load of towels 4 days ago..apparently you need a new towel every time you bathe, not one new one but 5. ridiculous.
I tried to take a nap earlier and the puppy is sitting outside my bedroom window braking non stop for 10 minutes before I screamed at him to let her in. I let him take care of SD this morning because I just wanted to sit and relax and all I hear is
"Is this outfit ok sweetie????"
"no!"
"what do you want for breakfast?????"
"no!"
"ooh my sweet little baby is getting sleepy is it nappy time??? do you want some milkey??"
"NOOOOOOO!!!!! screaming and scrying because she can act like a brat when daddies around because he is useless."
I finally intervened and said she is TWO. you put her in clothes so that she looks presentable and that is it! no need for discussion. Do you want her to be 16 and all "daaaaaady can I wear this postage stamp as a skirt to school???"
"sure my little baby princess daddy looooves you!"
I picked her up and set her in her bed and said firmly it is nap time go to sleep...and lo and behold she layed down and went to bed.
Im just sick of ALWAYS being the one to take care of everything, I finally got up a little bit ago and did the dishes because I was sick of it...whats he doing right now? Playing his video game. He just asked me something and I snapped at him and I get a "don't be mad at me, I didnt do anything.."
yeah, thats why Im mad.
- IAmALady77's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Well, how are you going to
Well, how are you going to change things? Honey, you did what a lot of us did/do. We step in, roll up our sleeves and sort the crap out while the MOTH (man of the house) sits back with his finger up his arse saying "What? What did I do?" And when you answer "NOthing! That is just IT!" He thinks "See, I know it wasn't my fault..." DUH!
Time to talk about job sharing. Give him a couple of jobs a week he HAS to do. Taking out garbage in XYZ day. This is a naggable offence if he fogets. He can also Do the dishes and clean the kitchen on Mondays and Fridays. Then you will need to give him a list of what needs to be done. Another naggable offence.
As for his daughter, he has no idea how to be a parent. My GDs father is just as bad. He let a 3 yr old choose her clothes when they were shopping. As long as it sparkled, had someing princessy or pink or glittery it worked for her. Consequently her good winter coat (for Nebraska) was a gold Hannah Montana puffer coat which made her look like A grade trailer trash. Now my daughter buys clothes form a consignment store and we picked up a Columbia winter coat for $12... which was half the price of the puffer monstrosity.
Obviously he needs direction and trianing. I would start with the garbage. And remind him that the next time he is sick he is on his own. He owes you, BIG time! Or you can tell his mother ... works for me!
gah direction and training!
gah direction and training! men! I totally support giving chores to children and making a list but a grown ass man?!! I get what your saying though, they can't all be as perfect as Ryan Gosling
I learned my lesson a long
I learned my lesson a long time ago, we teach people how to treat us. You've taught him you will take care of EVERYTHING, so he doesn't have to, he doesn't know he has to. You came in and fixed up everything worked your butt off, and he takes it for granted. Why? Because he never had to do it himself. I did the same in my marriage I handled the "shit" so to speak, and got treated like garbage, and I let it go on for years and when I couldn't take anymore my ex was suprised because it's how it had always been.
I refuse to handle my SO's crap, though he lives with me he has to do his share of the work (sometimes he does more, sometimes I do) but it balances. He wants his kids more than eowe, so when they are here I don't do his parenting duties. I don't get up early because they are up and want breakfast (if I'm up already I'll fix it for them) I don't discipline them if he's present, I don't bath them, and I won't dress them (they can dress themselves) now if I'm doing it for my own kids at the moment (usually meals) well yeah they get fed too, But my kids are older and he needs to see what raising his kids will be like if I #1 decide I'm done with our relationship, #2 BM drops dead, #3 I drop dead.
Women are prone to making the same mistake you have, now you have to work on holding him responsible for his life. He has to choose to be a partner and a good dad, you can't make him but you can explain to him your frustrations, your mistake and your expectations of him. If he can't or won't step up then you have to ask yourself "is this a deal breaker or am I good with this as the rest of my life?"
Its not a deal breaker yet,
Its not a deal breaker yet, but things definitely need to change :/ I just read everyones stories and I think "I will kill myself if it ever gets that bad" but then I think that its already begginning I'm just stupid and my rose colored shades on ya know? Im trying to nip it in the butt now while SD is so young and while WE are both young...I don't want to be 40 with an asshole teen and a lazy husband...even though thats probably what Im going to end up with lol
I feel like a control freak!
I feel like a control freak! And I feel for you and your life :/ I just don't want to reach that point, I want to do my best to raise this family with as little disfunction as possible..but a little help would be nice. I saw your post about apologizing for your SS's behavior, I laughed lol sounds like something I would do if the occasion ever arose