Even after 6 years his children still treat me badly
He is a good man but his children still never acknowlege my birthday or my son's. I have went out of my way to be good to these well they are adults now not children. Ever since we have been together I have tried hard to be patient. when we married my son was 14, his son and daughter were 19 and 20. I can handle myself but it was my son i worried about. He was already having issues due to my job relocation. When my husband and I got married we moved to his home. This is when it seemed his kids really took charge. They were used to getting their way. their mother died in a tragic car wreck when they were 9 and 10. He pretty much let them do as they wanted and spoiled them. His home was in need of a lot of repair. We had discussed everything before we got married. We both worked for one of the major auto makers and held good jobs. I told him it will be fun to make this house a home together. We discussed the issues we might come up agianst trying to get the kids all on the same page but it has not worked out like that. He lost his mom when he was just one year old. His daughter is very mildly autistic. Smart as a whip. She was jealous of me and my son and constantly talked of her mother. One day I said" your mom will always be with you, but we are all here together and we need to try to be a family." That angered her to a point where she called her brother and told him my son hit her. Naturally he was going to come over and teach my son a lesson or so he thought. Luckily we came home in time. I sat my son down and talked with him. He told me he never touched her. He did tell me she badgered him and he told her to shut up and closed his bedroom door. My husband talked to his daughter and she started crying and admitted she lied. And as always started talking about her mom. She uses this as a control on my husband and I could use some advice. I am at wits end. The children are all out of the house now. My son went into the air force and is doing very well.He was always a good boy I raised him that way. He likes my husband and will help him do things when he needs help. His own son won't even help his father. His daughter and I do not even speak. I could not idly sit by and allow her to do things she should'nt. She had a habit of taking bad pictures with her phone and sending them out to boys. I had a data block put on her phone. One day she came to me and told me she felt stressed. I was flattered she trusted me. HA!!! Was I a fool. She wanted an appointment set up with a therapist so I did it. I took her in and helped her fill out the paperwork and told her seeing a therapist is'nt a bad thing. He put her on a mood stabilizer which he explained that people with her condition it's usually a standard procedure because they have bad mood swings. She told her sisters and brother that I tricked her and well it all broke loose. His son even threatened to put me in a body bag. I told him"I've been up against bigger and badder than you, If you think you're scaring me you're not" My husband and I are funally alone on our own. His daughter is living in her own apartment, still tries to pry the wedge in but none the less no longer here. we both see a councilor but we still have issues from time to time. We are trying to hold it together. I think about all the nice plans we made for when we are retired. Here we are and well none came true.
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I would stop dreaming for the
I would stop dreaming for the perfect family because you will never get this. His kids will always miss their mother and do not want a 'mother replacement'. Once you understand this you will be able to accept it and move on.
On this site you will run across DHs who will say "If you love me you will love my kids" or "what is wrong with you that you cannot love my kids like your own." The same thing applies here. How can you force someone to love you? If this was the case I would have been Mrs Donny Osmond when I was 14 yrs old.
As you said their father spoilt them through guilt that he survives and their mother is dead. Tragically ripped form their lives but still dead. So you come in and they didn't want you around. They were happy the way they were. Sadly if you tried tyo force the 'family-ness' on them it would only blow up in your face. They had a family ... their father and them. You and your son were interlopers who interrupted their sad little lives.
If I were you I would never expect ANYTHING from them. Nothing. No gifts, no cards, nothing. This is a failing on their fathers part as well because he allowed to mistreatment to continue.
Your son is on a good career path if he chooses to stick with it. He did OK. As for the older boy threatening you I would have definitely called the cops and reported him for threatening you and your son. But you didn't and it was a few years ago now.
You and your DH are free to do what you want to without the kids being around. However if your DH enables his kids to remain dependent on him then you should get your own hobbies to take up your time. You are his wife and not their stepmother. And there is nothing worng with that.
Thank you, I have started
Thank you, I have started learning to assert myself. I have a great councilor. I am starting to believe when she tells me I need to do what feels good for me. I guess I should have asserted myself sooner. I was married to a very abusive man for 28 years. I was so used to taking abuse but I am learning to stand up for myself in a positive way. When I started taking an active roll in the finances and looking and balancing the check book is when I noticed a big change.
The kids are gone, your major
The kids are gone, your major problems should be over. I know kids don't disappear just because they've moved out, I am going through that. But, you no longer have to deal with them on a daily basis, relax and enjoy your husband now, both of you. Let him deal with the kids, he can see them, go over and visit them, take them out to dinner. You don't even have to go if you don't want to. I see my daughter every Friday, we have lunch together, and talk almost daily, but my SO doesn't see her very often, she's busy with her family, occasionally he and I both get together with them. His kids on the other hand are 18 and 23, very needy. He sees them whenever he wants to, sometimes together, sometimes he goes alone. I don't care what he does with them. Now if he were spending 'our' money on his grown kids, that would be another thing, if it's 'our' money, that would have to be discussed prior to spending anything, and likewise for me. But time, let them have all the time they want. You enjoy him when he comes home from his visit with them. There will obviously be 'family' events that you shouldn't avoied, graduations, weddings, such as that, then you go, smile and know when you get home it will be just you and him again. Enjoy your lives, you've earned itl
Oh I agree, we are in the
Oh I agree, we are in the process of trying to mend our marriage through counciling but when i said they treated me and my son mean I meant she actually tried to get her brother to do bodily harm to us by lieing. She told so many lies she actually told on herself if you know what i mean. It was a nightmare yes, when she lived at home as soon as my husband would leave she started slamming doors. I almost moved out. Her brother should have known to come to his father and ask before acting. You know my philosophy on the term forgive and forget is we can't forget our brains are designed to remember. We can forgive, or as I rather put it overlook, but I also feel that people should try to at least try to show they are a little sorry and worthy of forgiveness. She is only 88 lbs. but has the ability to manipulate situations like no one i've ever met. We do not speak and my therapist says it's ok cause I need space. We give her rides occasionally, our eyes don't meet she holds her face to the window. I never had a daughter and at first I really enjoyed it. we would go shopping ,eat and do stuff together. But once I started looking into the finances is when she turned sour. She also wanted no rules set. I said as long as you live with your dad he has the right to know where you are and who you're with in case something happens. He is such a jellyfish and would not even back me up on that. So now I am at a point to trust or not to trust. We'll see I'm not a quiter. He is a good person hopefully with counciling he will be able to deal with some of these issues.
All I want is to feel I'm on
All I want is to feel I'm on the same level on the pyramid of people. He talks with his sister and i hear her say" My kids come first". One day he asked me if you and SD were hanging from a cliff who should I save? I was like what? He Looked at me and said" You should feel the same about your children as I do". I was like so confused. I told him first of all we will never be hanging from a cliff and second of all you have two arms. Sarcastically of course.I told him I deserve the same consideration as your children and like wise you with mine. That is the way I taught my children, respect is important. I would never take sides against him in front of the kids. It shows allegiance in my mind. And it shows the children we act as a team. I never ask to be so to speak" numero uno" but he has allowed me to be in situations where he should have defended me.