DH always has to be Mr. Nice Guy and nice doesn't always get you respect
Had SD6 Saturday and most of Sunday; was our off weekend but the hag agreed to let her stay with us after he called and kissed her ass in order to appease her latest fit; I asked her 10yo son if he had keys to their house and could run in to get SD'S antibiotics out of the fridge since Bitch BM (BBM? Haha) was in the hospital having an appendectomy. BM had no problem with me speaking to her son when DH and I first got together and she used him as a babysitter but alas, DH is always trying to "keep the peace" so the hag takes advantage of him. All. The. Time.
So DH has a job to finish up Saturday and I go along to help leaving SD6 with SD12, BS13 and SS14. The three of them are good kids so we don't worry about leaving her here with them, not to mention SD6 usually enjoys playing with them. Well, we get home and find out SD6 has been a nightmare; took 3 1/2 to pick up her room (which she inevitably half assed), screamed and threw a fit because SS14 bought a stuffed animal for his GF which she demanded he give to her, took SD12's lollipop and licked it repeatedly; just all kinds of obnoxious bratty bullshit and to top it off she threw a hardcover book at SD12's face leaving a nasty scratch and bruise. I was appalled and told her she was going to eat her dinner at the table instead of upstairs with us and then right to bed.
While we're sitting upstairs eating, DH says 'Do you think we're being too hard on her? We were gone for quite a while and to a kid, that's like weeks.' I seriously couldn't believe my ears-He was making excuses for her! I told him we absolutely weren't being too hard on her and that making excuses for her wasn't going to help her make good choices. She's 6 1/2 and knows damn well that it's not okay to act that way.
Unfortunately SD6 has learned that dear ol' dad is all about being Mr. Nice Guy. She told SD12 that she could act anyway that she wants because she's only 6 or at least that's what DH will say. DH and I have very different parenting styles and sometimes that's okay but I wish he'd step up when it comes to SD6. He has no problem when it comes to the boys or even to SD12 but when it comes to BM and SD6 his balls go MIA.
SD6 has terrible social skills, no manners and the etiquette of a toddler. At dinner time she announces 'I'm thirsty!' and expects someone to get her a drink, DH picked her up a new bike at the thrift store and she started throwing a fit that she didn't get a gumball on the way out. I'll correct her and say things like 'I'm sure what you meant to say was thank you for the bike, Daddy.' I know that it's not her fault that she wasn't taught the importance of manners and gratitude so I try to teach her the right way to handle things instead of getting angry with her but I wish I didn't feel like I was the only one doing it. I mentioned this to DH and he agreed that it's important that she learn these things but is more interested in making excuses for why she hasn't done so already than he is in actually taking part in teaching her.
The biggest problem with having a traditional marriage where we play our gender role is that I'm not SD6'S mother or only motherly influence unlike SD12, BS13 and SS14 so there's no consistency. SD6 has no friends, no social interaction outside of school and treats both adults and peers without respect, consideration or kindness. I've found tons of classes she can take; gymnastics, cheerleading, karate etc where she can learn some discipline and maybe make some friends but BM won't take SD to anything that requires her to drive for more than 5 minutes.
I'm patient and really putting forth that effort now but if she's still got that attitude and mentality, if she still has no manners, doesn't appreciate anything and treats people this way next year or the year after, I'm not going to adapt DH'S outlook. I guess I can only hope that he changes his way of seeing things and preferably, his way of dealing with them.
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Comments
He won't change on his own.
He won't change on his own. You have to work with him as his partner to open his eyes. He needs to understand this is not in his daughter's best interest to let her act like this. It is not in anybody else in the family's best interest, either.
I believe my stepdaughter was very much like that at 6. I didn't know her then but at 12 when I met her she was an utterly feral child. DH and I went the rounds on this. Now, at 15, she's verging on dropping out because she has no shame, the rules don't apply to her, she can easily snow both parents with her eyes closed and her hands tied behind her back. She will fall very far short of her potential.
DH made some changes by working with me and those changes have made SD a more tolerable person. But he did not fully embrace or comprehend what I was telling him until it was too late. Now that he really can't ignore the results anymore, it's too late. A 15 year old will not take direction the way a 6 year old will.
Tell your dh you're the "mom" in the house, no matter whose children are there. In order to do your job properly to ALL the kids, you need full authority over the little one. Ask him to just back you up. You don't want a defiant teen dropout on your hands and that is what you are on track for right now.
I have a 6 year old and...
I have a 6 year old and... whhooooooo boy! Here's the good news - you're both right. Yep, 6 can suck ass at times. They're old enough that they do know how they're supposed to behave. But they're young enough that they don't always get there. Sometimes they miss the mark by A LOT. (Especially if they're tired or hungry. GOD HELP me if my 6 year old goes too long without eating. It ain't pretty.)
In any case, sure, "being 6" is the reason. BUT (and here's where YOU are right) it's the parents' job to TEACH them, to correct them, to reinforce what they do know about how to behave. Early bedtime is NOT "being too hard on her", by any stretch of the imagination.
Have your DH talk to her pediatrician. The doc will tell him the same. The behavior is normal - so act like a normal parent and dish out consequences for poor behavior. Otherwise he's failing her.
Ugh, the doctor issue! BM
Ugh, the doctor issue! BM hadn't taken SD to the pediatrician since May of 2013; no well child checks, nothing. She did take her to a family practitioner last year to try to get her ADHD meds after her pediatrician refused. The second doc refused as well . I brought her into urgent care last week for a sinus infection and to the pediatrician for a follow up. He was absolutely terrible and had made his mind up before speaking to me. I don't know if it's because I'm her stepmom (the receptionist gave me a hard time about it in the waiting room) or what but he was completely dismissive of my concerns. He said if anyone smokes then she'll have sinus infections and respiratory problems her whole life and that's that.
He also completely dismissed her bedwetting issue despite the issues it causes SD at school because it hurts to use the bathroom and fact that she gets bad diaper rash from BM not bathing her after she wets the bed. So I've been tasked with the job of finding her a new pediatrician, which has been quite difficult because we live in a state where there are next to no private practices and the docs in these hospital based corporate offices just don't seem to care.
BM works at a daycare where SD attended up until this year. Unfortunately, this made SD feel as though she was above the rules there as well. Her 5K teacher has had problems with her all year. I think the biggest thing is is for her to learn that the rules apply to her as well, not just to the other kids. DH seems to think we'll be able to get full custody because BM will eventually decide it's more convenient and that will solve everything. I know that there's a certain amount of acting out that's to be expected at this age but the lack of positive relationships that SD has is concerning. I've never known a 6 year old girl who didn't have friends, didn't get invited to birthday parties or play dates and DH doesn't bring that up to BM because she just gets defensive. It's really apparent to anyone who looks at the situation objectively, including teachers but BM doesn't care and DH seems to just avoid looking at the reality of it.