Boundaries aren't just for land
I was on here a while ago when things were really rough with SS and BM, things got better but now it's becoming a little stressful again.
Background info: My DH got custody of SS last year when BM basically decided that she didn't want to parent a child older than 2 yrs. She had every Wednesday over night and EOW but it only lasted a few weeks before it became only EOW then it was progressing to just random and sporadic before we moved 2500 miles away. BM had SS for two months, per the parenting plan, while we got all set up in our new state. It was fabulous! We moved to a state that we had never been to before, didn't know anyone, and it was just a wonderful adventure! BM would call almost every day saying that she couldn't handle him and that she just didn't know what to do with him but I didn't really care because I didn't have to deal with him! Two weeks with BM and then we find out she's basically been pawning him off on anyone that would take him so that she wouldn't have to deal with him though of course wouldn't send him to us early because she 'doesn't want to loose any time with her precious baby' who she knows that she's never going to see again. BM is a fucktard who's completely useless, welfare queen with no education and no life missions. I'm pretty sure she has a narcissistic personality disorder but mostly she's just a bitch.
Anyway, fucktard pawned SS off on MIL and FIL almost EOW. Now MIL had a weird relationship with SS before I ever showed up mostly because fucktard and DH (who used to also be a fucktard) couldn't be bothered to parent their own kid and MIL always felt like she failed DH and SIL. So, I think she sees SS as her way of getting a second chance. Only DH and I are more than capable of parenting our children and we would have a decently running householdand if MIL would back the fuck off. Which brings us to now, SS has been here for about a week so has MIL who insisted on bring SS up so that we wouldn't have to spend the money. Which, we really couldn't afford it, but she didn't even give us the chance before deciding this. On top of that, MIL lied to BM about just taking him half way instead of taking him all the way so whenever BM calls she's sneaking around. DH followed MIL's lead and also lied to BM while the whole time I was like 'fuck that bitch, who's give a shit if she's upset?' Anyway, the whole thing was stupid but I was counting down the days to when MIL and FIL would bow out and we could start our lives in this wonderful place completely on our own... Then DH notices that MIL sleeps close to 16 hours a day and starts worrying about how our moving will affect her. I'm still over here like 'She's a grown ass woman! Let her figure it out!' but of course DH can't let MIL just figure it out herself because his darling mother is 'delicate'.
So, after alot of talking, complaining and whining MIL is applying for a job up in our state and is bullying FIL into applying for one here as well... FIL likes it up here and would be happy up here but the type of jobs open right now is not what he wants though MIL can't stand the idea of 'not being with her baby boys'. They are talking about moving about 1.5 to 2 hours away from us but it still annoys me. We moved here to start over, to actually be able to start our lives instead of the three (Sometimes four) generational parade that it's been since we got together. I want MIL to have a grandmother relationship with SS and BS not this weird mother-grandmother thing. She's one of those people that is passive aggressive and deceptively nice though it's all just manipulation. I mean, she is a nice person but she wants her own version of 'redemption' even if it means weaseling her way into our lives.
When I got with DH I figured once I proved to MIL that I was an okay parent to SS that she would back off... No such luck. I just want to be able to live our own lives WITHOUT interference. I realize that everyone's families are different, DH and I come from very different family structures. I can go a month without talking to anyone on my side without anyone batting an eye but DH can't go more than 3 days without talking to his parents. But this was supposed to be our adventure, our way of creating the family life we always wanted in an absolutely amazing place in the way that we wanted but now MIL is going to get her way and the umbilical cord to DH and SS will never be completely severed.
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Sorry my reply likely won't
Sorry my reply likely won't be of much help, I'd like to share my perspective being I relate to your situation and hope it may be of some help.
You and my DH have been in the same boat with the MIL any her NPD ways and my mom too is BPD bad. As a grown woman to a mother like that, the guilt trips are more then most people could ever imagine. This may sound as if I'm backing your DH up which to a point I am but more so hoping to better help you help him.
Having a mother like that, they built them buttons into their kids early on and once the kids have grown, the mothers are notorious for pushing them to no end. In my case I struggled here until recently with my mom pushing my every button in the name of "getting what she wants" no matter who she hurt in doing so. It is a nasty cycle. It didn't end for me until I couldn't deal with it anymore. DH tried to be strong for me and kind to her for my sake but it took me to cut the cord for once and all. MIL won't do it bc she has him right where she wants him.
I could tell you a life time of horrible things she did however its all about control and getting what she wants. I was forced out of school every 6 months and placed into a new one, never allowed any friends, she broke my first marriage bc my first DH didn't have a backbone with her and he allowed her to put us into $350,000 debt, she tried to get me locked up for starving myself as an adult who missed two days of eating over being hurt from something, lied to my current friends about me, spread rumors about my friends and pinned it on me, and it never ends with people like that until they put an end to it.
Distance is the best bet, read books on boundaries, help educate your DH to what his mom is doing, avoid her at all costs when possible, and remember one thing- anything you say to her will be held over your head or your DH's head. Basically talk about the weather with her.
I know its probably not much help but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and breaking away felt next to impossible for me. It was easier for me in the past to just put up with it bc I didn't see any way out from that tornado my mom would create.
So sorry you are dealing with this, I know how hard it can be. Education and tough love from you towards your DH can go a long ways. She has him blind folded {if she is anything like my own mother is/was} and wrapped around her finger right where she wants him. The Grandkids can be a great weapon for her and she knows it. I best send this before I go on too much...
Best of luck and willing to help if I can. It can be a long road but its worth it to get him to cut that cord with his mother. And people like that will keep trying even after the cord is cut. Likely his self esteem is shot due to his mothers ways.