You Exist to Serve Us
I’ve really pulled back and disengaged, but some things still get under my skin. One of them is the obligatory “Happy Holidays” or “Happy Birthday” messages. Of course, I don’t have to send them, but guilt creeps in. And if I don’t, you know there will be backlash. It’s happened before in my decade-plus of being a stepmom—the punishment didn’t fit the crime.
All my stepkids are adults, so this isn’t about little ones. But here I am, sending a birthday message to the grown-up “big boy,” and… nothing. No “thank you,” no “appreciate it,” not even a thumbs-up. Just silence. I find it incredibly dismissive. What’s even wilder is that no one—not even DH—acknowledges how rude this is. It’s fully expected that I reach out (or else), yet there’s zero reciprocation.
It’s not that this one instance ruins my day, but it speaks volumes. It’s a reminder that in this so-called “family unit,” I’m not really seen, heard, or valued. I’d love to hear your stories about these imbalances—when the expectations are there for you, but the respect and acknowledgment are not. And what are your thoughts on getting zero response? To me, it sends a clear message: You’re disposable. You exist to serve us.
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Why can't your husband send a
Why can't your husband send a card "signed" by both of you..?
Or is it your DH how would impart the backlash? They are his kids.. I would let the chips fall where they may.
You are all adults, you have never ackknowledged my birthday.. you never acknowledge my birthday greetings.. I figured you didn't care... how would I know differently.. I'm cutting back on clutter in my life.. those are the kind of tasks that I'm letting go.
Love this and agree ESMOD- no
Love this and agree ESMOD- no backlash from DH, the SKIDs get really upset and complain to DH. One time I didn't remeber one of the SKID's spouses bday and you would have thought I committed a war crime for not acknowledging the blushing bride.
What I get frustrated about is how much time and energy is spent waiting for me to "mess up" but when I do acknowledge there's not even a finger lifted. It's this weird cycle of behavior over and over again.
And yes, that's probably the attitude I will take moving forward.
I find this to be a microcosm of the behavior, treatment and view of me - over and over again. Expectations for me and entitlement from the SKIDs.
My SD's are both adults.. mid
My SD's are both adults.. mid 20's and 30'ish. The younger one is better about doing birthday greetings.. the older one.. not so much.. and the older one is more expecting that presents are "one way" from parent to child and not the reverse..haha
I have a similar situation
I have a similar situation except its the younger SKID that is slightly more reciprocal. Thanks for your insight ESMOD.
It's an unwinnable situation
It's an unwinnable situation when you're the evil SM, aka the family scapegoat. Whatever you do, it will be wrong, so why play at all??
Tell me, do these skids remember YOUR birthday? Send gifts/greetings? If not, it's high time you assumed a little of that victim status and let your DH see how HURT and DISAPPOINTED you are; that you TRY SO HARD to be kind to his kids, but they just don't CARE or RECIPROCATE; you've done X, Y and Z, but they keep REJECTING you so you're going to leave it up to him going forward.
Remove yourself from the toxic equation. Your DH is A, his kids are B, and you're seeing yourself out of their mess.
!
"Tell me, do these skids remember YOUR birthday? Send gifts/greetings? If not, it's high time you assumed a little of that victim status and let your DH see how HURT and DISAPPOINTED you are; that you TRY SO HARD to be kind to his kids, but they just don't CARE or RECIPROCATE; you've done X, Y and Z, but they keep REJECTING you so you're going to leave it up to him going forward."
I can see how this may be important. I look at it as being proactive rather than reactive. Thank you, I believe I may employ this strategy.
I haven't wished SS21 happy
I haven't wished SS21 happy birthday in two years and I live with him. I DID help set up a little party we had for him last year (SOs family) but... I only did that for SO because he had to work the day before. I happened to be off.
He has never taken any initiative on birthday or holidays... him and I don't get along because I won't take the disrespect and ungratefulness for what has been done for him through me....
Cut the cord. Be done.
I agree MissK03- cutting the
I agree MissK03- cutting the cord. This adult SKID lives in a state of victimhood, he has since I've known him. It's never been fun, never been easy.
Birthdays
I'm a "card person" and was sending bday cards and cash to our 5 kids, 3 in-laws, 9 gkids and 5 gkids. I did this for 3 reasons: 1) in remembrance of my beloved grandmother who did it, 2) to help a little financially, and 3) to maintain relationships. I sometimes got a thanks, sometimes not. I also sent cards to my parents and siblings, sometimes got a thanks, sometimes not. I didn't really care since I was doing it for my own reasons.
As I aged, it's gotten too much so I stopped last year and send texts instead. To my surprise, I get more response from that than the cards. So, I'm achieving more of what I wanted; better relations with my family.
I understand your aggravation of you don't have a personal reason for doing it and your DH expects it for his kids.
Good for you JRI however my
Good for you JRI however my head is aching just thinking of having to do the card thing for ALL those people- glad you switched over to text! Way less effort for you. Yep, it's just been a one way street with one SKID in particular and this is just another example. Again I am not super upset that he didn't even acknowledge the text - what bothers me is if I had not "done my part" in sending it - the world would have burned down. Whereas he does nothing in return and it's no big deal. It's a wildly imbalanced situation. If we both were allowed to ignore each other than I'd consider it fine and fair, just isn't allowed on my end.
Yes!
It is awesome that you were doing this for your own reasons, it sounds like you enjoyed it! I can also see how it would be 'a lot'. I am so happy to hear that the texts have been received well! The world we live in is constantly changing; sadly 'snail mail' has is becoming a thing of the past so we, too, must constantly adapt.
DH is a card sender. He spends a lot; he had an extensive list and buys expensive cards...not sure he knows how to look at the back to see the price?! I asked and found out that many people did not even respond and very few reciprocated. I asked that maybe he pare his list down? I also suggested less expensive cards, because what is important is the effort and the personal message. After reading your post, I am going to suggest texts instead.
I agree with ESMOD - let your
I agree with ESMOD - let your husband handle it.
In the beginning, I used to remind Mr Aniki about birthdays. Then the poo hit the fan and I stopped. Darn near bit my tongue bloody when he'd forget the date and miss a skid birthday, but I stayed silent. Now that we all get along well, I'm back to reminding him because he's so engrossed in work, he honestly does not realize the date.
That's a great way to handle
That's a great way to handle it Aniki- you plug in when ti makes sense and plug out when things are entitled, expectant or generally SKIDs are acting a muck. I too have a hard time holding my tongue when a bday is coming up but it's up to Mr. ImperfectlyPerfect to lead the way. I used ot bring this stuff up ahead of time to get us ready and prepared now I don't. DH usually figures it out day off and makes a spontaneous plan- fine by me!
My daughter-in-law says that
My daughter-in-law says that card sending is my love language and she's right but if they didn't appreciate it it would stop. And the lack of stamps I buy would cause a deficit beyond belief.
The key to my little story is "appreciate". They don't call me gushing thanks or anything, every card they get but when I was sick a couple years back and went w/out sending for a few biirthdays and holidays and all three boys (mine, mine, SS) and their women folk actually told me they missed getting them and felt sad when there was no card.
In all honesty, if they didn't show appreciation... I'd have stopped long ago.
That's wonderful @AgedOut- I
That's wonderful @AgedOut- I am glad they appreciate you. In fact I think the bar is so very very low with these young adult SKIDs- I would have been satisfied with an emoji response, a thumbs up or "thx." That would have been teh extent. It seems that most of this generation of SKIDs don't even accomplish the low hanging fruit but OH ARE THEY EXPECTANT AND DEMANDING if they don't feel you are doing what they think you should. Long time ago I used to recieve a verbal sometimes written bulleted list from one SKID and his blushing bride about things I need to "correct." It took every once in my body to just sit there and grayrock the situation. Boy oh boy....
I gave up buying/sending
I gave up buying/sending gifts over 5 years ago for the same (and other) reason(s). I stopped signing holiday or birthday cards shortly thereafter. Being married to their father in no way obligates me to get them gifts or send good wishes, especially when all they've done for 20 years is play nasty games or ignore me. I only wish I had either stopped earlier or, better yet, never started.
Yep, I am quickly entering
Yep, I am quickly entering this similar emotional state. It's wild - I am such a kind and caring individual but dealing with SKID behavior has turned me practical, matter-of-fact and neutral in so many many ways. It's probably not a bad thing - but I agree, why even sign the card or send the text message?
This!
ImperfectlyPerfect, this speaks to me too! I, too, am kind and giving yet my response to step life is much like yours. I still struggle with it though, because it is not how I am. I remind myself that there is a reason why I have reacted this way and those who are genuine and reciprocal still experience the 'real' me.
Yes...
...I feel this in the depths of my soul, Mia.
Or else what? I would make poking that slug my fondest hobby.
Dare them to bring it on. Then, chew them up and spit them out.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
No guilt. Just pure joy in baring toxic asses, rubbing their noses in the stench they leave on life's carpet, and giving them a swirly in the noxious shallow puddle of their toxic gene pool, while giving them a wedgie to keep their heads dunked in their life's cesspool.
Have fun!
Ugh....
"It’s not that this one instance ruins my day, but it speaks volumes. It’s a reminder that in this so-called “family unit,” I’m not really seen, heard, or valued. I’d love to hear your stories about these imbalances—when the expectations are there for you, but the respect and acknowledgment are not. And what are your thoughts on getting zero response? To me, it sends a clear message: You’re disposable. You exist to serve us."
You have no idea how this resonates with me! This has been on my mind..a lot...the past couple of weeks. In our case the "family unit" includes extended family, not just the Skids. I was welcomed with open arms...until I said "No" to OSD's abuse. Any healthy person would have said "No". Any healthy person would also understand why someone would say "No", but because I did I was scapegoated. What is laughable is their air of superiority, yet they do not have the skill set to address things face to face. We are talking about adults! They choose to stab me in the back by going to my DH. Thankfully he defends me, but he shouldn't have to. I am kind, articulate, and able to communicate independently, face to face. I have urged DH to tell them to come to me. He has done this. Yet, they still choose to stab me in the back. I believe they avoid me because they fear what I have to say is valid and they can't handle it. I believe they can not face their dysfunction and my response to it has shined a glaring light on it. The 'why' doesn't actually matter. I will never win with these people, so I have stopped trying. There is relief, but also a sadness that DH is seeing a different side of his family...he is seeing them for who they are when they don't get their way. One's response, when one doesn't get their way, says SO MUCH about a person! I am the bad guy...to them. In actuality I am a cycle breaker...I am paving the way for those who come after me to live a healthier life. Yes, I am disposable...to them. In actuality I am loved by many and they feel the warmth of my love in return.
I always try to remember: 1. I didn't cause the dysfunction. 2. I do not enable the dysfunction. 3. It is not my job to fix the dysfunction. My job is to take care of me and my marriage. In that, I am triumphant!
One last thing, holiday greetings or recognition.... DH will tend to remind me about such things..."It's ABC's birthday today."...which is his way of asking me to send a text. I do, because I love him. However, I just had a major life event and was totally ignored by his sister. I didn't mention it for about a week. When I casually brought it up, I knew that he knew she had ignored it. Once again, he is seeing who she is. And, more importantly, how she sees me. She is not helping their relationship. Not my problem....