Behavioral contract in the house? Anyone?
Discussing the option of a 'behavioral contract' in the house for SGD-13. Has anyone tried the "sit-down-delineate-agree-sign" behavior contract in the home situation? How did it work?
Edit: SGD=13 raised by SO/late wife til age 8. Still has visitation over the weekends currently Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. Longer on holidays. Current issues: no sense of boundaries/personal space. Still running with the "what's mine, is mine .. what's yours is mine ... what I see, is mine ... " theory of mind.
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SGD-13 has turned feral once
SGD-13 has turned feral once more after emerging from 7-day inpatient and her biodad/SM moving her 60 miles away. SO has sucky parenting skills, very passive, "roadkill parenting" which does not help.
SO's upset since his house is overrun -- SGD-13 using gas stove/oven when folks are sleeping without permission ... "cooking" with no skill or ability but fantasy "Ratatouilli" mindset. Wastes food right and left when not overeating due to emotional eating disorder. She can find food that we hide better than any bloodhound. Food and kitchen are huge issues.
Leaves used tampons on the tile floor ... hides knives in her bedroom ... cannot stay out of BS's room, steals his pillow ...
She skinned my 22 lb roast turkey. Ate all of the skin off the wings/legs/breast ... looked like locusts descended.
SO is frustrated with his inability to enforce consequences. He holds the grandparent role of "responsibility but no authority." While he is scared that he will not see SGD since he has no court-ordered rights, merely continuity of visitation or some such. He threatened asking her not to visit since he is 'done.'
I suggested a behavior contract to clearly state expectations of behavior...
Will only work if the one
Will only work if the one with the parenting responsibilities will present it and enforce it. BTDT. Fail.
Enforcement? Ah, ... SO pulls
Enforcement? Ah, ... SO pulls his absent-minded architect thing and dodges applying consequences for behavior. SGD-13 returned to biodad/SM and SO spent an hour+ cleaning up after her. He didn't 'mind' what she was doing while she was here under his watch, well, he gets to clean it up. Which led to much grousing.
A behavioral contract won't
A behavioral contract won't work until your SO starts to parent. The whole time he is opting out of parenting which lets face it is with the absent minded is.
He doesn't want too, so he won't and there is nothing you ca do to force him to.
The only way a contract works
The only way a contract works is if everyone is on board with it - meaning the adults in the house. It has to have clear precise rules with even clearer and definite consequences for not following said rules. This has to range from first offence to complete disregard of contract by child.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART -said adults have to be able to follow through with the consequences.
no contract is going to work
no contract is going to work Indi, unless you have one with DH -
yes good idea give DH a contract, if SD behaves you will do this or that for him, if she does not he will be punished and not in the Sally/Aniki way
But if that does not help, simply lock the grand skip in her room comes night... I will never take on a grand kid, could not even raise my own lol...
We have tried something
We have tried something similar to this with SD (15), but it hasn't worked. Both sides need to be in agreement. My DH is very big on trying to find anything that will motivate SD. She has significant mental health challenges, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and developmental delays.
Two years ago, SD wanted a cell phone. My DH set-up a list of requirements for her to get a cell phone - grades, chores, simple behavior requirements. Fast forward two years, she hasn't even come close to doing anything to get the cell phone.
She has a list of personal hygiene tasks she has to do in the morning (brush teesh, comb hair, etc) and simple tasks my 3.5 year old can do (make bed, pick up in bathroom, put clothes in hamper). She refuses to do any of this.
We're out of things that can be taken away. She's so stubborn that she's go without before actually trying to do something she's told. Food is the new battleground and she's refusing to eat or even come downstairs for meals.
Her therapist has told us to work with her one very small tasks and building trust. My DH isn't happy about this. He's from a very different culture where kids do as they are told, so we really haven't tried it to see if it will work.
What the therapist wants us to do is tell her things like "we're having pancakes for breakfast, go wash your hands and come downstairs" rather than giving her a long list of things she needs to do.
Kids gain power over their parents when they can refuse to do things. They might figure out that if they want something, they have to do what their parents say. But if they decide the power struggle is more important, then it can descend into the mess we're having. Odds are in the next 2 months, SD will be hospitalized again, and we're adding an eating disorder and malnutrition to her list of problems.