bf his kids and future
Ok, I"ve been reading this blog for a couple weeks now. Finally decided to tell my story.
After 2 years of giving everything to the relationship I'm so tired of attitudes of my BF SS12 and SS14.
He is always on their side no matter what the issue is. Lately they have been ignoring me, you know what I'm talking about, not saying hello and talking to their dad like I'm not even around. I always trying to understand them. I have no children of my own. But I like kids.
However, I personally don't agree with they way those kids are raised and priorities that they have. But seems like I don't have any voice even when they come to our house. My BF always tells me to leave them alone. I'm getting feed up. I'm having difficulties with finding jobs around here and want to move 50-60 miles away since there are better opportunities in a bigger town. Well this is not even a question for BF. So I'm wondering if our relationship will revolve around his kids. I want us to have our own family but I can see how jealous SS12 is. I can't imagine having my own kids in the current conditions. BF has a joint custody. I feel that I'm way too young to deal with all this bs....
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BF told me that this is
BF told me that this is their house too when I said Im not going to tolerate this.
I'm about to go on with my life.
It's about respect...
He is teaching his sons that it's ok not only to disrespect YOU, but to disrespect ALL their elders. And I have to disagree w/ your BF...it is NOT their house. It is YOUR house and your BF's house. My bio- and skids live with us FULL time (100%) and our house is NOT their house. What I mean by this is that they have chores they must do to EARN their right to have things and by living there, they are expected to pull their weight in the family. SD8 MUST respect me and my biokids and my biokids MUST respect FH and SD8. When SD8 DOES ignore me (it happens) she gets reprimanded by FH, because it IS disrespectful.
I'm quiet tired of
I'm quiet tired of discussing the same things with him and SKids.
we have been together for 2 years and lived together for over a year. I tried different approaches. IT hasn't been working. Nobody appreciates me worrying about their education and lifestyles. Well, of course, this is part of being SP. Who cares.
My BF has no idea how to be consistent in his education and discipline. If he enforces something today, tomorrow he might just let it be the way it was. I feel he is empowering his kids to behave this way.
On my comment about SS not greeting me, he said that I have to stop being a princess.
If you're wondering
whether your relationship will always revolve around the kids, it's your gut telling you what you already know: YES.
My advice? (You can skip this if I'm outta line.) Sit your BF down, talk to him about the job situation and your desire to move closer to something that will be good for YOU, and also talk to him about your concerns that your life and your relationship will always revolve around the kids. Tell him (this is my mantra) that you are 50% of the relationship. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that you get less of a say in your adult relationship. Tell him that you like kids, and you'd like to like his, but... (and here, explain your issues with the way they are with you). Tell him your expectations for the relationship:
1) That his kids don't need to like you, but they do need to treat you with respect, and he is the only one who can make that happen.
2) That you expect to be 50% of the relationship, which means that things that are good for YOU also need to be considered in your future, as well as what's good for him and his kids.
If you meet with a lot of anger, defensiveness, and resistance from him, I would calmly restate that the relationship needs to work for you as well as for him, and that you'll give him a few days to think about all this. Then I'd bring it up a few days later, and if he's still completely resistant and angry, then girl, I think you need to do yourself a favor and walk away, because it will ALWAYS be this way. Any moves forward with the relationship (moving in with him, getting engaged, etc.) will just give him the message that you'll go along with whatever and not expect to be respected or heard. It will only get harder, not easier, if you don't completely nip this in the bud right now.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
On the comment number one: I
On the comment number one: I address this issue already with exactly the same argument. He said its my responsibility to get through them (skids). That means he is just observing and I have to talk to the skids and so forth...
In terms of second comment he said that he already have kids b4 he met me and they are going to be his priority number 1. (He also commented if "I wanted to be number 1 and them number 2?!").
I don't know what to do. I love him and I know he loves me. But I don't feel that I can do it any more. I'm in my 20ies and I left everything to move with him. I'm working crazy hours to stay independent and feel pretty bumped. There is no employm. opportunities for me here.
Insight
God, I can't imagine what reason there would be for you to stay with him.
1) He flat out told you he won't do anything to make sure you are respected by HIS children in YOUR home.
2) He flat out told you that his kids are more important to him than you
3) You left everything to be with him and he can't even be bothered to make some changes that would make your life better??!?!!?
You say you know he loves you... but you know what? He loves you only as a girlfriend he can just drop into a neat little slot in his already-made life. Not as a partner who deserves 50% of the respect and the decision-making power in your household. Not as an equal human being whose life is as important as his. He loves you as long as you will agree to cram yourself into the little tiny space he's giving you in his world. That's not really love. That's, I think you're pretty and I like having sex with you and I enjoy your company when you're not busting my hump about YOUR needs and YOUR desires.
You are in your 20s. You have 60 more years of this sh*t if you stay with him. And the longer you're with him, the worse it will probably be. God, girl, ditch him and find someone better -- someone who knows what you're really worth and who's willing to do everything he can to make you happy.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
BB you rock
I am currently making a list of plus and minuses about my now dead relationship and I just cut and pasted your second paragraph in there. So true my dear, so very very true.
I agree with Cru!
It MAY be their house too, but does that mean that they don't have to respect you, or anybody else that's in it?
They don't really have a
They don't really have a good example in their lives to learn from.
Most of my friends are very surprised how introverted they are.
BB
I agree exactly with what BB had to see but it sounds like you already tried this approach. If this relationship is not giving you what you need and you want you need to make some decisions if you want to continue to put up with it or not because you can talk yourself blue in the face and if your BF has his mind set things will not change. You are only in your 20's - you should be having the time of your life right now. i know you love your BF and it's hard but life is about comprise and he does not want to make the relationship better he just wants you to accept the way things are and shutup about it. Do you love your BF or do you love yourself more? I just got out of an almost 4 yr relationship and I am 40 and I had problems with the BM (not kid) and even after 9mths of counseling and trying to work through all the problems nothing changed - and this was for a man I wasn't even married to. Do you want to spend hours in counseling and waste years of your life with someone that doesn't want to change? I'm sure you are a beautiful young woman and there are a lot of of men (w/out kids) that you could be happy with. As my wise friend here Sasha always says "sometimes love is not enough" I wish you the best of luck. HUGS!